Monday, January 31, 2011

To test ot not to test?

Well, it's been about a month since the miscarriage, and 3 1/2 weeks since the doctor said we could begin trying again. I have not gotten my period yet, and I have one test left in my bathroom cupboard, and it's burning a hole in it. I want to test so bad, since it's been a few weeks, but at the same time I don't want to test too early and either get a negative, or do get a positive and have another miscarriage right after I find out like last time. Ken says I should wait until Valentines Day, but I honestly don't think I can wait another 2 weeks. Who would have thought that this could be such a hard decision? I'm trying to wait, be patient, but it's so difficult!

*Edit*
I did test that night, and it was negative. I can't help but be kind of disappointed and upset, even though I know it's still early.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Optimistic

I had a follow up appointment with the OBGYN on Friday the 14th, to make sure my hCG levels were back down, and to talk about options for TTC again. He said everything was great, my hCG levels were back where they should be, and we're clear for trying again. He said the miscarriage actually meant that I was fertile, which is always good, and he confirmed it was probably coming off the birth control I used that caused it. He said it was a chemical pregnancy, and if I hadn't tested so early (partly because of how sensitive home tests are now) I wouldn't have known and I would have thought it was my normal period. He also gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, but I completely forgot to ask him about my Advair and Albuterol and Singular. I need to get my yearly refill allotment by the end of this month, so maybe I'll just ask my general doctor what she wants to do.

Ken and I are both very optimistic about the future though, and have already started trying again. I'm glad everything happened naturally and I don't have to wait to try again. So I guess we'll see what happens and when I'll get pregnant again. Hopefully soon! Wish me lots of baby dust!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Not This Time

Sorry this has taken so long to update. Well the doctor confirmed it. I did have a miscarriage on New Years Eve. They said my hCG levels were at around 700 on the 29th, then the 31st it was just under 600, and by Monday when I did the blood draw again it was done to 76. I had another vaginal ultrasound and the tech said it happened naturally, everything else would pass on it;s own, and they needed to check my hCG levels to make sure they go into the negative like normal before Ken and I can start trying again. I had to do a another blood draw on Monday the 10th, and I have an appointment for follow up tomorrow (if the snow doesn't stop me from going, we'll see).

To be honest, I'm sad but not completely broken up about it. I was only 5 weeks, and I didn't even feel pregnant yet, so it's like I wasn't so emotionally attached yet you know? yes I was excited and yes I'm sad that it happened, but Ken and I are doing OK. We also figure since the pregnancy happened so quick the first time, it can happen again. We're optimistic about the future, and we're waiting for the OK from the doctor tomorrow to start trying again (although with significantly less stress and obsession this time, for sure). Whatever happens, happens. We've both talked about how we feel about what happened and the future, and we're both doing OK. It's weird to say it to people though, and I'm surprised by the number of people that don't already know.I don't know how I'm supposed to say this to a doctor though... if I get pregnant again is it my first? My second? Do I just preface it with saying I had a miscarriage? I don't know, ugh.

I guess I'll quit writing in this blog until I get pregnant again, since it doesn't  make sense to continue writing when I'm not pregnant. Oh, by the way, Ken and I came to an agreement on names for the first (second?) baby. It will either be Logan Alexander or Abigail Grace. We both love the names which is awesome!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The last five days

I've been meaning to post for a while, but life has been busy and crazy, so I'm finally sitting down to type this. Things are... different. Let me start from the beginning.
Wednesday Afternoon: Ken and I were getting ready for work. I had to make a quick bathroom break, and in the process, found out I was bleeding lightly. I took a hurried search online that said bleeding happens sometimes in the first trimester, that it could be nothing, or something very serious like miscarriage. Every site I looked at said that any bleeding needed an immediate trip to the ER. I battled with myself wondering what I should do, but drove to work anyway. After I clocked in, I went to a close friend of mine, Leslie (she's like my second mom, she's 58 and has a heart of gold, I hold her opinion in high regard) to ask her what to do. She said everything is probably fine, that she had spotting with one of her kids and he's 35 years old now, but better to be safe than sorry and to go clock out and go to the ER. Another coworker said that she had had four miscarriages, and she would go if she was me. I spent 20 minutes at work, and immediately clocked out, told my boss, got my stuff and went. I arrived at St Joseph's around 4 pm, and was seen within 20 minutes of asking for care. The next 4 hours in the ER were nerve racking to say the least. I was asked for a urine sample, blood sample, and was checked for fetal heart tones, although the nurse said not to be discouraged if she couldn't find them, that 9 weeks was still early. 15 minutes of trying and no heart tones. I was trying not to be discouraged, and still uneasy about what was going on. I was then taken to an ultrasound room, and told they were going to check my kidneys, my ovaries and my uterus. If he didn't like what he saw with the over the belly ultrasound method, he had to take a tiny camera vaginally to look at those things. With my luck, I had to take the vaginal ultrasound. After he was done taking pictures of everything, he said I would be given answers and results by the doctor later, and was taken back to my room. At this point, Ken had only known that I was in the ER, and obviously very scared, as was I.

Wednesday Evening: The ER doctor told me that after looking at the ultrasound, I was closer to 5 weeks instead of 9, and that my blood was Rh negative, meaning I needed a shot, and also a shot of potassium since it was low. He needed to do a pelvic exam to see if I was still bleeding. Apparently I wasn't, so I breathed a sigh of relief. The ER doctor said I needed to follow up with an OBGYN the next day, and gave me the referral information. I was discharged with the diagnosis of possible miscarriage. Which was great timing since when I was paying my copay at the discharge station, a woman was going into labor. Nice. I drove home pretty much crying the whole time, asking God to help me, please save my baby, please let everything be OK. I arrived home, and noticed my bleeding had increased substantially. I spent the time until Ken got home on the couch, trying not to think of what might be happening.

Thursday: The OBGYN apprently didn't see patients on Tuesdays or Thursdays, so my day was wide open. Jared came over to keep me company while I rested since Ken had to go to work. We didn't really do much, besides taking Gus to the vet, watching movies, and playing rock band. It was nice to have someone to spend the day with, and I really tried to numb myself from feeling one way or the other, until I knew what was going on.

Friday: I had an appointment with the OBGYN at 2:30, and after getting a little lost, he asked me questions, looked at my paperwork from the ER, and said I needed a blood draw today, a blood draw again on Monday the 3rd, and to come back for an ultrasound on Tuesday the 4th. He wanted to watch the hGC (the pregnancy hormone) level to see if it was rising as it should (which meant the pregnancy is good and viable) or lowering (which means miscarriage). We made it back home around 4, and I noticed by 5 pm, I had pretty bad cramps in my lower abdomen. I tried my best to slow down, rest, and asked Ken to finish the cleaning of the house. Everyone wondered if I was still having a party for New Years because of my time in the ER, so I spent time calling and texting everyone to say the party was still on. By 5:45, the cramps were substantially worse, and I kept feeling like I needed to sit on the toilet, not to pee but to relieve the pain or something. I kept passing large clots (about half the size of a dollar bill) and large amounts of blood. by 6:15, I couldn't stand, sit up, or lay down to relieve the pain, it was like someone was trying to wring my abdomen in half like a towel, and it was spreading to my back and my sides. It was definitely the worst pain I had ever felt, and I was practically crying in the fetal position it hurt so bad. I had enough and took a 500mg Tylenol to try to ease the pain, and continues to squeeze Ken's arm and cry from the pain. A quick internet search gave me a possible answer: it was probably miscarriage. WebMD said severe cramps, bleeding, and clotting within the bleeding were all signs of miscarriage. One more potty break and more clots, more blood, but the Tylenol finally kicked in and I felt ok, I felt normal again, just in time for people to arrive. I kept taking Tylenol during the night before the 4 hours was up, to make sure things didn't hurt. The party was fun, and I enjoyed it a lot. It was a great way to keep my mind off things. I ended up staying up until 6 am with my friends, and having a good time.

Saturday: I was still bleeding, but the cramps were nearly gone (every once in a while I'd get a twinge but I only needed Tylenol once after about an hour of cramps and me being annoyed. The bleeding had slowed as well, but still required a pad. The ER doctor told me to look for anything within the bleeding that looked like tissue, and I thought I found something but wasn't sure. Ken and I went out to breakfast with Jared, and we spent the day being lazy, and watching movies. I finally caught up on my sleep as well from missing it on New Years. I was more and more convinced that I had a miscarriage, and thought there was no way that my 5 week old unborn baby could survive from all the blood, cramping, and clotting that happened the day before and that day.

Sunday: My bleeding has slowed dramatically, to only a few drops every time I potty. I have another blood draw tomorrow and the ultrasound Tuesday, so I guess I'll finally get some answers then, even though I'm pretty sure what they are. I'm not optimistic at all that I'm still pregnant. After talking with my mom and some friends about my idea, they have all consoled me and said they were sorry, and said they would continue to pray for me. It's like everyone expects me to be huddled on the floor and crying, or being incapable of going on with life for a short time. For me, maybe I'm still numb from the experience, but it's hard for it to seem real, for my pregnancy to seem real. It was only 5 weeks, and yes I was excited for my baby, and loved the baby, but I guess because I didn't feel pregnant yet since it was so early, it's not as big of a deal as I thought it might be. It's a weird feeling. I know this won't affect my chances of conceiving again, and it's so early, and Ken's coworkers said this might happen, that it's not really affecting me I guess. Maybe I just have not gone through the grieving process yet since it all just happened, maybe I'm waiting to hear it from a doctor, I don't know. I wish I could say I felt more, but right now I don't, and I don't know if I ever will. Ken and I talked about this last night too, and I knows he feels similar. I guess it was too soon. I'll write another update when I hear from the doctor.