Sunday, April 24, 2011

Post-Op

Ken and I went to the follow up appointment on Friday the 22nd. It was about what I expected; Dr still wants to put me on progesterone supplements as soon as I know I'm pregnant (he even said he'd do a phone in prescription, he doesn't want m to wait for an appointment) and I had blood drawn for tests. His only other theory is that something is wrong with my thyroid. I forgot to ask him if he was doing pathology on the tissue from the D&C and when we could expect results. I guess I need to call to ask. He also said that experts used to say to wait to try to conceive again was 2 months for the physical healing, and 6 months for the emotional healing. He said that quite isn't the case anymore, but he still wants me to wait 2-3 cycles before we start trying again, and since it's so short he doesn't want me to go on birth control (at least hormonal), which I was pleased to hear. Ken told him that I found a support group (which is in 2 weeks) and Dr Jung seemed pleased with that as well. I guess now is the waiting game; trying to live life and heal and wait. I'm thinking it will be maybe 3-6 months before we start trying or know we're pregnant again.
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It's crazy to think that we've been trying since late October and through no loss of hard work on our part, we still don't have a baby or the prospect of one soon. I had to count how many months we've been trying and hoping and yes we suffered 2 losses in that time, but it's hard to say we've been trying for almost 6 months and no baby yet.
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Side note: Ken is reconsidering the Army Reserve. He's plateaued in his weight loss, and another opportunity may have come our way where he won't be away for a year just for training. I'm really hoping he follows through with this, and yes I want him to continue to feel good and lose weight so he's happy, but we had a short conversation on the way back from dinner last night and I think he FINALLY understands where I'm coming from and my side of things with him joining. I'm really hoping and praying this other opportunity works out, please oh please!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Irrational

*Anyone reading this, please understand that yes I know I'm being irrational about this post, but I needed to get it out of my head*

I had a thought on the drive home tonight from work. I'm not going to say I prefer a boy or girl anymore when we have a baby. I'll truly be happy with whatever. Not like I'm going to say I'm not going to find out the sex when the time comes (purely to make baby shopping easier for myself and others... but it's a possibility to wait), but I'm not going to say I prefer one over the other anymore. I had the thought that it's almost like maybe my baby died because God was angry with me and knew in my heart I'd be sad if the baby was a girl. Yes I know this is irrational and I'm sure the baby died from something physically wrong, but I couldn't help the thought. And after this whole ordeal, I'll be happy with a girl. Honestly. I'll be happy with a boy. I'll be happy with a baby period. I've been thinking over the weekend also about the possibility that Ken and I will just never have a baby, how will I feel? I honestly think a major piece of my being, self, life, would be missing without a child of some kind in this house. Whether it's a baby that I carried, or foster, or adoption. I can't imagine my life without a child as a part of my family. Not to say that Ken isn't enough, or my cats or him don't make me happy... but I have so much love, how was I made not to have children in my family? My job is not the same. Nieces and nephews are not the same. Friend's children are not the same.

..............

I have my follow up appointment for my D&C on Friday, and I'm sure I'll be getting a bunch of tests and blood draws done. I want to know when the pathology on the tissue and baby will be done. I need answers, I need to know why, so hopefully that why can be fixed. I need to know it wasn't something I did, wasn't something I could have prevented. I need to know why it happened. I should be at 14 weeks 3 days today. I don't think this has become any easier.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Confliction

I've been feeling conflicting emotions lately. That I'm ready to try again, trying to conceive, and then just as suddenly I don't think I am. I'm fearful of trying again, in case a missed miscarriage happens again. But I want a baby so bad, waiting even the 2-3 months like I've been saying seems way too long, let alone 6 months like my doctor wants. I've been reading up on the stages of grief, and I don't really know where I fit anymore. This is from a cancer survivors website "cancersurvivors.org"


Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
  • Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  • Depression (I don't care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
     
A lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:
  • Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
  • Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss) 
  • Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)
I think I fit more into the Temes version of grief, into the reorganization part. But then I also think I may still be numb to a lot  of things too. I know I've definitely felt the disorganization, as can be seen from a number of my blogs, but as to where I am now, it's weird, I don't know. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out and continue trying to live.

Ken and I did have a great day yesterday, despite me having a headache most of the day. It was our 6 year dating anniversary, the 6 year mark of when we met in person for the first time. I had to call into work my head felt so bad, and I kept having to take Tylenol all day just to feel somewhat normal. We went to the mall to get my phone fixed, look at games for him, and buy me new earrings. Then we went to this new restaurant called The Lobster Shop, which is down on the water of Tacoma. Very pretty place and prices were good, and the food amazing. After dinner we took a short walk in a park next to the restaurant,  then to Blockbuster to get movies and a game. We spent the night watching movies, eating popcorn, reading and playing his game all night until almost 3 am. It was so nice to have a special evening together, despite a headache. I think we both needed a night like that. It was nice to be normal for a even a short while, and just have fun.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Anger

One emotion I'm really trying to wrap my head around right now is the anger I seem to have. I don't typically think of myself as an angry person, pretty much the total opposite, but I keep finding myself angry sometimes. I'm angry this happened, to me, to Ken, to my baby. I'm angry that so many women can have healthy babies with no problems at all. I'm angry that we've had to go through 2 miscarriages. I'm angry that people who weren't hoping or expecting to get pregnant, are. And having normal easy pregnancies. I'm angry that the one thing I thought should go easy has not. At all. I'm angry that people are super insensitive sometimes. I'm angry that I'm even angry at anyone at all.
Some days are better than others, and I think I'm more into the accept and move on stage. I did find a support group of child loss, stillbirth and miscarriage. It actually meets on my day off and at night, which fits perfectly. It is down in Olympia though, only downside. But I think it will help, and once a month isn't bad at all. Ken can't come ever though, but I'm hoping a friend or two might come with sometime, or my mom.
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I talked with Ken today, and he wants to wait until he;s completely done with training to start trying again. And I'm not really ok with that. That seems like a long time to wait. 2 years+ until we have a baby? I don't know if I can wait that long anymore, even after 2 failed pregnancies. Something to keep talking about I guess.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Grief

Under the suggestion of my mom and my OB, I'm trying to find a support group for grief and loss, hopefully specifically to miscarriage and the like. I think it will help, even more so than what the writing here on blog spot can offer, and it's always good to hear other people's stories and get to know women who have been through the same thing. It's hard though because through working at night, most support groups that I'm interested in meet at night, usually once a month. I'm trying to find one as I type, but it's been difficult so far. I'd like to go to counseling, both for this and other emotional issues I have from when I was growing up, but I know counseling is expensive, and our premiums for our insurance just went up. It's frustrating to want help but being unable to get it due to money or time constraints.

I have another post to make, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow, to give ken some time on the computer.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Day After

Well it's Friday and the surgery went well and is complete. I'm so glad my mom was there with me, it was kind of a scary experience. It was a lot of waiting and answering health questions from about 9 am until 1115. Thankfully I was put out completely. All I can remember is I started to shiver in the OR because it was cold, and they gave me extra blankets and then I was waking up in the recovery room. I don't even remember being sleepy! It's ok though, it was good the way it worked out. I guess I lost more blood than expected, and almost needed a transfusion. Close but not quite thankfully. They said I lost about 150cc's which is just over 5 ounces. After about an hour in recovery (after I woke up all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I was exhausted! Which is understandable with the blood loss) they wheeled me back into a room, and unfortunately kind of freaked out my mom out by not coming to get her in a timely manner. I was back in the room for almost an hour before someone finally found her in the waiting room. Dr Jung was really nice and came out to talk her after the surgery, and explained everything to her. But one thing was kind of unexpected:
The baby was actually 10 weeks when he/she died.
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This makes it a little harder. I was pregnant up until around late March, and my baby looked like a little person. I was so close... why did it happen? Dr Jung is running a battery of tests to answer that exact question, and do a lot of bloodwork for me in the coming weeks. I have to see him again in 2 weeks, and I'm hoping he'll have answers for Ken and I then. Although he wants us to wait 6 months to try again. He said more emotionally than anything, if we get pregnant sooner, nothing will be wrong physically, but he says I need time to heal and grieve. I wasn't very happy about that news, and still am not. But I'm trying to see this as the timing Ken and I will need to get this military/baby thing sorted out well enough to form a plan. I kind of don't want to wait that long, but I'm scared to get pregnant right away again. So I don't know. We'll have to see what happens I guess.
I can't say how I'm doing emotionally, I guess kind of numb at the moment, but physically I'm doing really good. All I did yesterday was rest, and today will probably be a resting day too. Not very much pain as of yet, mild cramping every now and then, and I'm on medication to help contract my uterus and help the bleeding stop. My headache from yesterday is gone, and I'm really hoping it doesn't return. I need to go out to buy more cat food today and get out of the house.

10 weeks... the baby actually looks like a baby. I guess that's the hard part about it, the baby had developed so far already, you can even see the ears! Would it be easier if he/she had died at 8 instead of 10? I don't know.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dr and D&C

So tomorrow is finally the day of the D&C. I'm a little nervous, and I probably won't sleep tonight. I'm sure the nerves will really kick in as we're walking into the hospital. Ken decided not to go, as it was a very womanly, personal procedure, but my mom is coming and driving, so I still have support. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mommy! Ken has the day off, so he said he's going to play servant, and make sure the couch is ready for when I get home, and will have movies and snacks handy for me. Everyone has said it will go fine, and it's the recuperation that stinks, I just hope the doctors knock me out completely, I don't want to be awake but aware you know? I just want to get this over with and move on, emotionally and physically. I have been so drained with the weight of this, it's been difficult. And on top of all that, a nurse called on Tuesday to get me registered for the surgery, and she said that our copay for the procedure is going to be $1,000. Out of pocket.

UM WHAT? She even wanted me to do a phone payment, and I told her there was no way, I'll have to pay the day off. I'm really hoping they can give us a payment plan (and St Joseph's is pretty good about it, but you never know) because otherwise I'll have to take money from the baby fund, nearly half, and that is the last thing I want to do. Ken doesn't know yet. I took the advice from Mama Leslie and will tell him when the payment plan is set up. I hate to keep it from him, but he stresses way too much and really bad about money, and it's hard to live with a stressed out person!

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Ken and I did go to doctor today to get all the information for the surgery and go over paperwork, and I got the nice doctor (Dr Jung) yay! Dr Jung said that I may have to go on hormones when I get pregnant again, that as soon as I know I'm pregnant, we need to start. He doesn't think my body is making enough of the pregnancy hormone called progesterone or something, and that's why we can conceive but I haven't been able to carry for long. He said that the body makes about 50 mg or something, and our intestines absorb a lot of it if it's in pill form, but if he gives me 200 mg twice a day, I'll be getting the dose I'll need to sustain the pregnancy. He said there was a 1 in 36  (or like 3%) chance of this miscarriage happening, and it shouldn't have. If it happened a third time, that's less an 1%. He doesn't want to wait for miscarriage #3 to happen to start hormone therapy, so I'm glad he suggested it. I am going to a new OB though, after this D&C gets taken care of, so it's definitely something I'm mentioning. My sister mentioned how much she loved her OB in Enumclaw, Dr Graman, and anyone is better than Dr Bahgdadi, so I want to meet with him and see if I like him. I'd much rather have a personal reference than trying to find someone on the internet like I was trying to do. One more thing to add to the list, ugh.

.........

There is so much possible change happening lately (long story short, I'm worried about my job, if I'll even have one by 2-3 months) and it's been hard to have that on my mind with this going on as well. It kind of makes me think that while I want this really bad, maybe having a baby is not in the cards right now. But it's like that IFV treatment radio ad... "Part of you is worried about paying your bills, your mortgage, your job. But all of you wants a baby". And that is my feeling EXACTLY. It's funny how much you are willing to sacrifice and give up for that one dream, to have that one hole in your heart filled by a tiny human being.

I've been thinking back over the 8 weeks that I was pregnant before the missed miscarriage, and I think of how I acted... happy, elated, joyful, ecstatic, everything. And I miss being that happy, having so much to hope for, dream about, plan for. I know I haven't been happy, barely at all since this whole thing started, and I want that back. They always say that having a baby changes your life forever, and even though it was only 8 weeks before tragedy, it's encouraging to me to know that life was prefect, even for a short while, because I knew I was going to be a mom. I was pregnant. Ken was going to be a dad. Nothing else seemed to matter, even when something went wrong at work or at home, it was all ok in the end. My baby was on the way. A part of me doesn't want to wait 2-3 months to try again, I want that happiness again. I want the little thrill of knowing that I'm pregnant, of telling Ken and my mom (most definitely going to wait 12 weeks + for anyone else... maybe Jared and Amy but that's it! I mean it this time!!), I want to read my books again and see how the baby is growing, how his or her body is developing.  I want it again. I want to be happy again, somehow, someway.

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Anyway, I'll post again in the next few days to report how I'm feeling and how I think it went.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Depression

With everything that has happened in the last 2 weeks, I honestly think I'm slightly depressed. It has been a horrible past 2 weeks, between baby stuff, the D&C confusion, and crap at work and being stressed out there (I honestly thought it would help take my mind off of things, but it only made it worse), I don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday was by far the worst day. I physically felt the weight of my stress and worries, and no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't get out of my funk. I know that God won't bring me to it if He can't being me through it, but things just seem so bleak right now. Ken and I are both still worried about our finances (him moreso than I, but that's just Ken) and things at work are so stressful. It's hard to even come up with the words of what I'm feeling right now.
I'm still petrified about the D&C (which is now scheduled for this Thursday the 7th) but I'm so petrified of doing the TTC again after a couple months. I'm going to be freaking out probably the entire pregnancy, worried about the heartbeat and whether or not it's a missed miscarriage again. How can I not freak out about it? Everything seemed hunky dory and in a quick 15 minutes at the OB office my dream is gone, ripped out from beneath my feet. It's still so hard to say "Actually, I'm not pregnant". I think that's what hurts the most, having to say those words, not trying to explain what happened, just the fact that I can't say I'm pregnant anymore.
My support during this difficult time has been amazing, and I don't know what I'd do without my mom, Ken, my family, Leslie, Jared, Langley, Mrs. B, and everyone else who has given me comfort, encouragement, and support. Thank you to everyone, it means the world.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. The unknowns of the future freak me out, and scare me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm still trying to live life, which is so weird to me, but life doesn't stop for hardship. I know that I need to grieve, but how can I truly grieve while still having to live life? I think as with a lot of other things, I say or think things in my head, but suppress the emotion and then life gets in the way and I never truly deal with it. I'm trying to grieve and give myself time emotionally, but how? No one tells you these things, it's just you have to stumble through it the best you can and try to come out on the other side healed.