Saturday, July 30, 2011

Frustrated

Just when I begin to be a little bit hopeful, they get dashed to dust. My period came today. Although I kind of have a suspicion that it could be another early miscarriage. It's only been 3 weeks since my last period, and there have been tiny clots. I don't usually clot, not that I remember anyway. I guess there is no way to know for sure, but this morning the disappointment came swift. All I wanted to do this morning was cry. It's so difficult to have this much disappointment all the time.
My story on the website facesofloss.com finally showed up. I'm about the 5th story down on the page, so you'll have to scroll a little to find it. Any of the stories are great, I've read a lot on the website and while kind of heart wrenching, it helps my healing process knowing that there have been other people who have gone through the same thing. Here is the link:
http://facesofloss.com/

Thursday, July 28, 2011

More Dreams

I had another dream last night, very vivid again, but not about a baby this time. It was kind of complicated, bu the part that's relevant to this blog is that I dreamed I got my period, and I remember the feeling of devastation I felt and sobbing for what seemed like a long time. I haven't gotten it yet, and I think (according to the MyDays app) it will be another week before I can expect a period. I wake up every day with holding my breath, hoping and wishing nothing happened during the night. I have a feeling I'm pregnant, but I'm really trying not to be too optimistic.
I did make an appointment for Dr Graman, for the 9th. Told the receptionist that I wanted to talk to him about my options and what he thinks should be the next course of action given my history, and that I'd like to try to have him be my new baby doctor. I know I need to call Dr Jung and ask them to send me copies of my paperwork so I can bring it to the appointment. I hope it goes well, and I hope things will be ok at the appointment. I guess I'll posting again after the appointment and update on how it goes.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Faces of Loss, Faces Of Hope

There is a friendship group system on the website I found "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope". I looked to see if there was a group that met somewhere around here in Washington, and unfortunately there isn't one in the whole state. I'm thinking of starting a group here in Tacoma, and be a group leader. I like the idea of coming together as women who have suffered through the same thing and helping each other heal and go through our grief. The site says I have to make a commitment to being a leader for 6 months, and I don't even know if I would have a group if I did start one, I can't have a group by myself, and I don't really know anyone else who has suffered through a loss. I'm kind of torn about whether or not I should try to start one. I have bookmarks the application page, and I think I'll consider it for a few more days before I make a decision. It sounds like it could be really cool,  but I don't want it to fail or not even start because of lack of people. Something to think about I guess.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dreams

I had the most vivid dream last night about having a baby. It was a little baby girl, with a flowered onesie shirt, and pink pants. I don't think she had a name at least that I can remember, but I saw her (about 3 months old in the dream), myself, and Ken very clearly. Ken and I had a talk about where she should sleep, in a crib or a playpen, and I remember the weight of holding her in my arms, the softness of her skin. A close friend of mine just told me she had a dream with me having a baby boy recently too, which is really cool I think. I was also slightly sick on Monday, some mild nausea, but I don't know if it means anything or just something bad I ate.
I'm really trying not to get my hopes up in case it doesn't happen this month, and I'm trying not to wish too much or too hard. Getting the "no baby this month" disappointment hurts so much, especially when I've been hopeful in the past. I think I have another 2-3 weeks before I can expect my period, and I need to make an appointment with Dr Graman really bad. I've been waiting until I've been at my new job for a while so the request for some time off isn't denied. I've been there about a month so I need to ask soon so I can make an appointment. I guess we'll see how things go in the coming weeks.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Not Ashamed

I just submitted my loss story to the website "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope", which is kind of a online support group for women who have suffered through a loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc. They say my story will be published on the site within 7 days, and I'll post another link once it's up. Here is the website.

http://facesofloss.com/

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Calling All Angels

After finding a random blog today through this site, I found a family who lost a son at 3 1/2 months, and the mom put up this song. It really touched my heart, so I had to share. The family in the video isn't the same as the one from the blog, but they have also been touched by loss.
Here are the lyrics:

A quiet voice is calling my name
I hear you laughing, but the question remains
Are you playing and dancing above?
Mamma's aching to give you her love

There's a smile I can't wait to see
A lullaby that you'd love to sing
Just to know I'll hold you again
Is the gift I'll hold until then

Chorus
Calling All Angels, I need to feel
Something familiar, something real
Am I just dreaming, I close my eyes
I feel you near, I feel you inside
Just to call you're name
And know that you're still there
Calling All Angels

I know the plan was having you here
Sometimes what's best is so unclear, but
Baby boy put your hand in mine
While I walk through the fire that refines

Repeat Chorus

Father of us all you know the reason that he's gone
He's in my heart, but in your arms

Repeat Chorus

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Baby Names

I've been doing a lot of research over the past few weeks and I've come up with a list of a lot of the names I like and their meanings, meant to be sort of inspirational. These could be first or middles, and  obviously Ken needs to agree, but these are the ones I've liked the most with the right spellings, and I've bolded the ones I really like.

       Girl:                                                                       Boy:
Abigail - Father in rejoicing                           Isaiah - God is salvation
Joanne – God is gracious                              Joshua - God rescues
Joy - Joy; jubilation                                       Nathanael - Gift of god
Elizabeth - My God is a vow                            Samuel - His name is God
Serah – Princess                                              Alexander - Defending men
Victoria - Conqueror; victory                        Ethan - Strong, firm, impetuous
Samantha – Listener                                         Benjamin - Son of my right hand
Grace - Good will                                          Owen (?) - Well born, yew born
Michelle (?) - Who is like God                         Logan – From the Hollow
April (?) – Open                                           
Mae (?)– the fifth month of the year

The question marks are obviously ones I'm really not sure about, and the name Abigail Joanne is really starting to grow on me. I love both the meanings, and Joanne being a family name makes it all the more special. For a boy I still really like Logan Alexander, but Logan Nathanael is starting to grow on me too. I like the meaning of Nathanael, and it's a name Ken has always liked. Might play with the spelling a bit though, the more I look at this spelling, it looks weird.

I told a coworker this week that I've has 2 miscarriages, but I didn't go into any other detail besides that, so I'm pretty sure at least some people at work know now. No one has said anything about it, and I haven't been there long yet, so I don't know if the whole story will come out eventually or not.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Disappointment

Not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed yesterday. My period came yesterday with full vengeance, and my heart sunk a little (a lot) at the sight. No baby this month. I was trying not to be optimistic, that whole saying of Ken's "Expect the worst, hope for the best", but I couldn't help but be a little optimistic and I was excited to test since nothing had happened yet. On Saturday we talked about pregnancy testing at the end of this week... Well that solved itself I guess. This entire process and ordeal over the last almost 8 months is so frustrating! I hate that I feel anger toward this situation and our struggles, but I can't help but be pissed off and hurt that Ken and I do not have a baby yet. Why is this so difficult? Why can't the one thing we want most in life go right? I honestly hate this.