Saturday, December 17, 2011
December Update
No baby this month either. My fertility tracker is awesome though, it's right on schedule and correct. It predicted that I would either start my period today or be late, and it was right. It's really nice to be able to have the tracker, it makes it so much easier to remember everything and predict when I could or should take a pregnancy test. It's been 5 months or so since we've started TTC again, so I'm not sure what's going on. Bad timing maybe? I think I'm going to give it until the end of January until I see the doctor. It won't be quite 6 months until then, so I figure 6 months is long enough to maybe try to get some answers.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Doing Well For A Change
On Thursday, I had the opportunity to work in the infant room (instead of the pretod room, ages 1 year to 2 years, which is my home room) pretty much all day. It was a nice change of pace, and it was one of my easiest days that I've ever had. It was so nice to just focus on playing, bottle feeding, soothing, cooing, and pouring love onto the babies. We had 8 that day, so a full room, and the babies ranged from 2 months to 11 months. I wasn't sure in the morning how I was going to feel about everything, but I enjoyed my day so much, it was such a relief. Being in the baby room melted away a lot of stress for me, and the teachers in the infant room I like a lot.
At one point I was playing with a 4 month old (while holding/cooing to a 2 month old to calm her down), putting a blanket on her face, and taking it away, saying boo, and dangling it on her face so the blanket tickled her cheeks. The 4 month old loved it so much, it was the first time I had heard her laugh. I kept giggling, and thought to myself "this is awesome, I can't wait to do this stuff with my own baby" then stopped for a second, and just for a moment, was intensely proud of myself. I wasn't dwelling on what I didn't have, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset at what could have been. I was just happy, joyful, excited about the future.
I talked about the situation with Ken the next day when we met for lunch, and he kind of had a "ok that's cool" attitude, but I understand, and told him so, that it's sometime difficult for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking regarding baby loss or the future, because we dealt with our losses so differently, obviously. And he understood, and I know he tries, he makes an effort to understand, but it is so different, our points of view. It's become a lot easier to talk to him about things, how I'm feeling, which has made things a little easier.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, that the healing is here and active. It's crazy to think that it's already almost been a year since everything. This month will be a year since my first miscarriage, and in March it will be a year since my second. Wow. I wonder if I should hold some sort of private reflection time or a candle lighting or something for these anniversaries. Something to think about I guess. Please let me know if joining me in whatever I decide to do is something you'd be interested in.
At one point I was playing with a 4 month old (while holding/cooing to a 2 month old to calm her down), putting a blanket on her face, and taking it away, saying boo, and dangling it on her face so the blanket tickled her cheeks. The 4 month old loved it so much, it was the first time I had heard her laugh. I kept giggling, and thought to myself "this is awesome, I can't wait to do this stuff with my own baby" then stopped for a second, and just for a moment, was intensely proud of myself. I wasn't dwelling on what I didn't have, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset at what could have been. I was just happy, joyful, excited about the future.
I talked about the situation with Ken the next day when we met for lunch, and he kind of had a "ok that's cool" attitude, but I understand, and told him so, that it's sometime difficult for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking regarding baby loss or the future, because we dealt with our losses so differently, obviously. And he understood, and I know he tries, he makes an effort to understand, but it is so different, our points of view. It's become a lot easier to talk to him about things, how I'm feeling, which has made things a little easier.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, that the healing is here and active. It's crazy to think that it's already almost been a year since everything. This month will be a year since my first miscarriage, and in March it will be a year since my second. Wow. I wonder if I should hold some sort of private reflection time or a candle lighting or something for these anniversaries. Something to think about I guess. Please let me know if joining me in whatever I decide to do is something you'd be interested in.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Weird
I found a new application for my phone which is helping me track my ovulation, sex days, and period. I had another app on Ken's phone, but I like this one better. Not only is it on my phone, but it also has a lot more detail. It predicts ovulation, and it's set up where if I want (but I'm not doing it) is track my BBT, and CM. After inputting what I had on Ken's phone app into mine, I've discovered that my period has a trend of coming every 3 weeks, and has been consistently like that since June since I've started tracking it. Interesting point to bring up if I need to with the doctor.
I've been feeling weird these last two days. Ken and I went shopping for Christmas stuff yesterday (Saturday) and after some stressful looking at finances and a lot of thinking, we left the store and I had to fight back tears. But I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I had this overwhelming urge to just bawl. I was in a funky, depressed mood after we got home, and it was hard to feel happy. I don't know why I felt that way, yes I was stressed about money, but I usually don't cry at stuff like that. And today I had the same feeling just suddenly, after a great day and when Ken and I were snuggling on the couch. I just all of a sudden got super sad and wanted to cry I don't really understand. I don't think it's PMS since my period just ended on the 24th. If I'm not pregnant, then I should expect my period next week, the week of the 11th sometime. I guess time will tell.
I've been feeling weird these last two days. Ken and I went shopping for Christmas stuff yesterday (Saturday) and after some stressful looking at finances and a lot of thinking, we left the store and I had to fight back tears. But I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I had this overwhelming urge to just bawl. I was in a funky, depressed mood after we got home, and it was hard to feel happy. I don't know why I felt that way, yes I was stressed about money, but I usually don't cry at stuff like that. And today I had the same feeling just suddenly, after a great day and when Ken and I were snuggling on the couch. I just all of a sudden got super sad and wanted to cry I don't really understand. I don't think it's PMS since my period just ended on the 24th. If I'm not pregnant, then I should expect my period next week, the week of the 11th sometime. I guess time will tell.
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