Monday, October 15, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I can't believe I let this day pass me by without any remembrance almost at all. Has it really been that long? Today is special for 2 reasons. One, it is my due date for my second pregnancy, my missed miscarriage. It has been 2 years since this day was all I could think of. And I didn't even remember until a blog friend posted. I'm really surprised that I forgot this. It seemed all I could focus on a year ago, 2 years ago, that to forget this momentus day is weird for me. I feel guilty that I forgot. Will I remember this day at all, for either meaning, next year? I'm sorry little Baby Dudley, for not remembering your supposed to be birthday. Happy supposed to be birthday little one. I still miss you every day. I still love you ever so fiercely. Daddy does too, although I don't think he remembered today. This day is more for us anyway. Please give Auntie Jennica a kiss for me, and an extra special hug. 
This day is also special because it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. People around the country and world light candles as a remembrance at 7 pm, to honor those who have lost and those who have been lost. Well I obviously missed that time, so I'll light a candle now, for the small amount of time I can.

I swear this has not become any easier. It's been 2 years since my loss, and I still tear up. I still haven't taken my "grieving" bracelet off. I still don't think I'm ready.
Why do my words never convey what I want them to? I can't make the words form right to say what I truly feel and my thoughts on this subject. Maybe it is still too new. All I know is that I want to be happy. A simple thing really. Happy.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Occupied

It seems that lately, the last 2 to 3 weeks, any time I have a moment to sit and think (mostly on the car ride home from work), my mind immediately goes to reliving moments. Moments of the past 2 years, joyful and difficult. The doctor appointment where they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Waking up in recovery from my D&C. Starting this blog, and trying to keep everyone in the loop through it. Telling Ken he would be a daddy, and the whole process of telling our friends and family. I don't know if I'm truly depressed (which only came to light recently that it was even a good possibility, postpartum depression from hormones can develop after even  miscarriage, didn't know that until recently) but I can't help it when my mind drifts to these memories and times. I've been crying more lately, and it is definitely not something I can control. Ken and I are waiting to pay off more medical bills that have accrued from previous tests and appointments before we try to even make an appointment at the Gyft Clinic. At this point, I just feel defeated.