Beginning

Well, it's been a bit... oh like 3 years ago? since I have updated this. I remember how well it helped me cope, so I want to start writing again.

Ken told me around Christmas, that for my Christmas present, he wants me to take out my birth control and we can start trying for another baby. I want a 2nd baby. We are finally at an decent financial situation, so having a baby isn't difficult or unreasonable. 

But I am also slightly terrified.

I'm terrified of having to go through the pain and anguish I went through trying to conceive our son. I'm afraid of the process taking almost 3 years again. I'm terrified that my health will/would impact conceiving and my pregnancy. I already know I can't have a healthy pregnancy at my weight. I'm almost 200 lbs at 5 ft even, so my weight is a big deal.
I'm scared of it being too difficult going from 1 to 2 children. I'm terrified of having a similar birth experience. My son was 9 days late, and an emergency c section after his heart rate dropped into the 60s at only 5 cm dilated. I'm nervous about how to balance full time work, 2 kids, a house, a husband, and still maintain myself and not lose "me". My son is my world, and I know he will be a great big brother, once he understands (he would be 4 when we have the baby if there are no complications).
 I would love a baby. I loved being pregnant. But all of the unknowns are making me scared and not sure if it's a good idea.

I haven't really talked my fears through with my husband, and usually I'm the positive one in the relationship. I'm a planner, so all this unknown just about makes me sick. I of course will hope and pray for great sticky baby dust.

But I am so scared. I can't go back to that dark place I was in, the 3 years it took to have Lex. I am so scared for everything. Is it normal to be scared?

5 months

My sweet little boy, you are 5 months old. My, how time flies so quickly! You seem so big, yet still so small. At your last well baby check, you were almost 12 pounds and 25 inches. Tall and lean still. Everyone loves you at school, and you're quite fond of the other babies, especially Vivian, Cooper, and your girlfriend Charlie. I think you have a love affair with Ms Ashley, and you tolerate Ms Devin. You recently started laughing, not all the time, but you did it for the first time after I was gently tossing you in the air on my laugh, the 6th. It made me cry, what a happy little sound. You're a stinker though, and wouldn't laugh for Andy or Daddy. You have mastered rolling over from back to front, and the way you lift your booty in the air to get your arm out from under you makes me laugh every time. You still haven't figured out how to go back and forth rolling over, but that will come. You stand so well while supported, and smiling is still our favorite. You try to eat the cloth I cover you with during bath time. You're obsessed with your special blanket and paci. Daddy time with you is special. I think you're going through another growth spurt, you're eating more frequently, and still going between me and the bottle easily. I love our nursing sessions, it's such a special time together. I will seriously miss it when you wean. You have a great interest in toys now, which is great, and it wears you out so well! You still sleep through the night, and play catch up on the weekends from the sleep you miss at school. I love watching you sleep, wondering what you dream about. I love you so much Lex!

4 months old today

Well, as we can tell, I have been a little too busy to write lately. A lot has gone on since Lex turned 1 month (has it really been that long since I've written?)
Lex is so close to rolling over, we're trying to help him figure out how to move the one arm that gets stuck. He also has a tooth coming through, his top left canine. Oiy, I thought I had more time before teeth! So as of lately he has been a little bit more of a pill, and a little more cranky. His gas has gotten worse too, thank goodness for gas drops and gripe water! He is still a very happy boy most of the time, and I can honestly say he is sleeping through the night. He does very well transitioning back and forth between breast and bottle, which makes my life so much easier! Everyone at work loves him, and he has a girlfriend named Charlie and a best friend named Cooper, it's adorable. He loves cuddling with Ken, and is lifting up his chest and back end at the same time during tummy time. He no longer hates tummy time, which is great. I don't have any height or weight stats, those will be taken next week at his 4 month well baby visit. I think he is over 12 pounds now though, but I have no idea how long he is anymore. He is so social, and loves being around people. Smiling is his favorite! He is getting really good at grabbing for object and grasping at toys, and loves the 2 light up music players he got for Christmas. He is now in 3 month old clothing as well. I swear, he spent so much time in newborn clothing, and was in 0-3 month for like 2 weeks before they were all too small.

Lex, you are a baby, not a newborn now! You hold your head up so well, and I love seeing your big grins when I come into the infant room to get you at the end of the work day. Snuggling at night and weekends are my favorite times, and watching you fall asleep melts my heart. I wish you would stay small for a little longer, you already seem so grown up. I love you more than words can express, and I can't wait to see how much more you grow this month!

.............................................................................................................................................
My suspicions are being proved correct. I knew when I was pregnant that having the baby would change my life, specially my social life, and it has. I feel a million miles away from all of my friends, and outside of the loop so much. No one visits, calls, texts, anything. I don't get invited to go any where anymore (unless it's by family, and those that do contact me, I appreciate it!)
It just sucks. I miss my friends, and I miss being social. Just because I had a baby, doesn't mean I don't want to go to Starbucks or hear about what is going on in your life, or that I'm stuck in the house. Invite me, even if you know I'll say no. Text me. Don't seem like you're not there, I miss you guys. Please?

Lonely

So I've been feeling especially lonely lately, the last week or so. With Ken working nights and sleeping all day, and Andy working long days so he's not home until I'm ready for bed... is hard. Really hard. It's just me and the baby all day long it seems, and while I of course love my son to pieces, some adult conversation would be great once in a while. Even someone to hold him and entertain him so I can sit down and eat without him crying would be nice.
I had a kind of break down last weekend about all this. I was frustrated and missing Ken really bad, and working on opposite schedules was making me overly upset, I couldn't help but cry. I already feel left out from my circle of friends, and yet at the same time, I'm not ready to go back to work yet either. I have about a month left, and I'm dreading it.
No one has come to visit since that first week, so it's been about 4 1/2 weeks or so that I've been by myself. This sucks.

1 Month

My sweet son, you are 1 month old tomorrow! And what a month it has been. You have been such a sweet baby, and made this thing called parenting a pretty positive experience so far. 
At one month:
-You're sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches at night is over, but it was so nice in the beginning. You're now waking between every 2-4 hous, but you're great about eating, getting a diaper, then going right back to sleep.
-Your newborn clothes still don't tend to fit you, although this morning, I noticed that your snuggly is, well getting snug! If you stretch your feet out, you hit the end of the snuggly.
-You are an accomplished pooper and tooter. And if you're dirty at all, nothing is right in your world until you're changed. Even if you're starving, you won't latch until I change you first.
-You are such a daddy's boy. Even if you're screaming at me, Ken can just pick you up for a few seconds and you quiet. I think you like looking at him, since you don't see him nearly as much as you do me.
-You recently started to smile, more so than just falling asleep. I have to have you focused though, but it makes my heart light up when you smile at me!
-Tummy time is not your favorite activity, but you are doing great with head control and moving your body. Last tummy time, you didn't mean to, but you picked your back legs up, scooting on the bed, and actually made yourself roll over! My strong boy!
-You are such a good baby. We have worked together to figure out your cues, and really only have a screaming fit if you're really tired.
-No real progress on the paci taking yet, and now you're picking about sucking on my finger too. Which makes me kind of sad, because I love it when you do!
-When you sleep for more than an hour during the day, I start to miss you.

I love you Alexander Leo!!

Your funny one month old face!

2 1/2 weeks Postpartum

So it has been a little while since Lex made his arrival and I've had major surgery and I wanted to update as to how we are both doing. Lex is growing like a weed, and at his last appointment (1 week old), he had gained 3 ounces in 2 days!! Amazing! My milk has come in strong, since the day after we were discharged, and I've been able to pump every day, as to have a stash for when I go back to work. I think Lex is past the 7 pound mark now, he seems so much heavier. He also looks like a baby now, not a newborn. He is a pro sleeper, and only has the occasional night where he wakes up more than twice. His usual sleeping pattern is once he's down for the night, he will sleep between 4-6 hours straight, then wakes up to get changed, eat, and then he's down again for at least another 2 hours. Then he wakes up, gets changed, eats, and has another major nap, usually 2-3 hours. It's been so nice, for both Ken and I. There have only been a few times since Lex has been born that Ken and I have have been baffled and stressed about his crying. He really is a wonderful, calm baby, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am so in love with my son!
As for myself, I am doing very well. The surgery was scary obviously, and I'm glad we were given an extra day at the hospital. Moving anything at all hurt, and something as simple as turning over in bed was difficult. It made me very upset one night, while Ken was asleep (he had been up for too long and couldn't keep his eyes open), and Lex was in his bassinet, and started to cry. I couldn't get out of bed to answer his cry... I had to rely on the nurse to give him to me so I could comfort him. And it made me so sad, to know that at that moment, I couldn't take care of my own baby.
Since we've been home, I have been much better. I haven't had to take anything stronger than ibuprofen since like day 3 home, and getting around has become much easier. I've been able to not only take care of Lex, but also somewhat take care of my home as well. At my follow up appointment to check my incision, Dr Dickson was very pleased and said I will barely have any scar at all, that I'm healing very well. I do have some nerve damage obviously, so part of my tummy near the incision is numb. The numbness has improved in the last week or so, but it is still a dulled sensation. I hope to get most of it back, but I guess we will see.
I had my mother in law here from California for a week (she arrived right after we were home) , which was a huge help. It was nice not to worry about making dinner, or dishes being done, or the floor being dirty, at least for a little while. We hadn't seen her in 3 years, so it was nice to be able to visit again and hear how Ken's family is doing.
Ken has been also amazing, and is the best daddy to my son I could ever ask for. He goes back to work tomorrow night, and I'm not ready. Granted, he had a lot more time off than we both thought he would, but it will still be hard without him here. And on that note, I am dreading going back to work, only because I know it will be so hard for me to leave him, even if it is on the other side of the wall and with a coworker I trust completely. It will take some getting used to not only getting myself ready but Lex ready as well. It will be ok, just takes practice. Here is one of Lex's first pictures:

Birth Story

Well, Lex is currently napping, so I figured I would take the time to update. Lex is obviously here, and made his grand entrance on Sept 4th. So here goes the story:

Woke up early on the 3rd in order to get to the hospital at 8 am. Was admitted with only a little wait, and had Ken and my mom all set up to wait out my labor with me. By 8:30 or so, Dr Dickson came in and decided the best way to start the induction was to break my water, and moniter my contractions and Lex's heartbeat. Breaking my water hurt a little, but the result was pretty gross, I'm sorry. Feeling like you're peeing your pants every time you move even slightly got old, very quickly. The nurses were great though, and definitely made me feel better about what was going on.
I started to feel contractions soon after, although they were very mild. Lex was still doing great. It was pretty easy until around 6 pm or so, even though I wasn't progressing very fast. I believe at that point, I was still at like a 3cm and Lex was still a -2. Lex was tuned wrong (sunny side up), so there was a lot of back pain when I did have a contraction, and they progressively snaked around to my tummy area. By 6 or so, I was pretty tired, and the contractions, while not overly painful yet, were making me exhausted. I requested some type of pain management, and was given a shot of fentynol, just to take the edge off. We were all able to catch a little bit of sleep, which felt awesome.
Contractions came on very strong and often after the shot wore off. I guess because Lex was turned wrong as well, my contractions came up as a wave pattern, called coupling. I didn't get a break in between each contraction, so I could have 3 or 4 stacked on top of each other. Ken as amazing though, and stayed by my side the entire time, helping me stay focused with breathing and hand squeezing.
Some friends came in around 8:30, to visit (or so I thought). They even brought grapes, crackers, and juice for mom and Ken. It was nice to see them and visit, although it was right in the middle of my strongest contractions, so they really got to see the labor process haha. I thought they had come just to see how I was doing, and would return when Lex was born. But they had decided they were camping out, and not leaving until he was born. I have the best friends! The nurses even let them stay in a postpartum room to hang out and sleep while I was laboring.
The pain was getting very intense, and I asked for a epidural, which was a heaven send. That allowed Ken, myself, and my mom some rest, since it looked like we were in for the long haul. It was coming up on midnight and I was still only at 5 cm, and thankfully Lex had moved to a -1 station. Not a whole lot though for being in labor about 16 hours already.
I drifted in and out of sleep, Ken was sleeping like a log on the daddy bed, and my mom was trying to rest in an armchair, while listening to Lex's heart monitor. Around 2:45ish in the morning (while I'm still half asleep) I hear my mom yell "BABY IS IN DISTRESS!!!" and my room gets flooded with nurses. They have me flip on my side, then try to get on my hands and knees (which was impossible having being numb from the waist down) and then flip on my other side. I guess Lex's heart rate had dropped very suddenly from the 140's into the 60's. Obviously something was wrong.
5 minutes after that, my nurse said that Dr Dickson was calling it, and they were going to prep me for an emergency c-section. The one thing I didn't want to happen, was happening. My mom was crying, which made me cry, and I was trying my best to stay calm to keep Lex from having more trouble. Within 15 minutes or less, I was being wheeled out of my room and into the OR, completely numb from the chest down. I am so thankful that my friends were there camping out, they helped my mom be ok instead of being by herself while I was in surgery.
I said a short prayer as they were getting ready, I had an awful feeling about the surgery and was obviously very scared about myself and about Lex. Ken came in shortly after and held my hand the entire time. I ended up throwing up several times during the surgery, and it was scary as well, because I was so numb, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I know the feeling already from my asthma, but it was 20 times worse. Very scary. I was also so very sleepy, it was so hard to keep focused and keep my eyes open. I'm not sure if it was a reaction from the medication or just the temperature in the OR, but on top of all that, I had uncontrollable shaking.  My jaw and mouth started to hurt from my teeth chattering.
Lex was born at 335 am on the 4th, and hearing his first cry was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Ken kept talking to me about his crying, and I couldn't help but cry. They had Ken go with Lex soon after, and had him change his first diaper and get his weight. 6 pounds, 14 ounces. So small! Stitching me up took longer than I expected, and all I wanted as to see my baby. Ken was able to bring him to me and hold him next to my head, and that made me start crying all over again. He was absolutely beautiful! As soon as I was stitched up, they wheeled me into recovery and I was able to see Lex fully and look at all his little details. They warmed me up and made sure I was ok, then they layed Lex on my chest for skin on skin and first time breastfeeding. Lex took to feeding like a pro, and the nurse was surprised, she made the comment "You could teach other babies to do this!".    
Soon after, around 5:30 or so, we were wheeled into postpartum, where my friends and mom were waiting. My mom was first, and 4 of my friends got to hold Lex within hours of him being born, which was so very special. My mom ended up staying a few more hours after my friends left (around 6:30 am) to let Ken and I sleep, which was a huge blessing. She also got to bond with Lex, which I know is so important to her, although she was up for over 28 hours at that point.
We ended up staying at the hospital until friday night, just to make sure Lex and I were both ok. You never know how much you use your stomach muscles until you can't anymore!
Lex is perfectly healthy, and although his entrance to the world was long and a bit scary, he is here and I am so in love, I can't believe it. He is perfect!

Next time I have some time, I will update about our hospital stay and how my healing is going.

41 weeks

Well, obviously little Lex is not here yet. Currently overdue by a week, and Ken and I have decided that if he doesn't decide to come on his own by Tuesday, we're going ahead with an induction. I wish I could give him more time, but being in FMLA kind of limits the timeline of him getting here and me being able to take as much time as I want and being comfortable going back to work.
I am officially on maternity leave, and it's nice to know that I have dinners in the freezer ready to go, and laundry can wait for a while if I need it to, since neither Ken or I need work uniforms for at least 2 weeks. I've been working on cleaning the house from top to bottom. One, to help me stay active and encourage labor to start, and two, if we do have to induce, I want to come home to a clean house and not stress about dishes or a dirty carpet. Which I know I will unless I do everything now.
I wish we had a few more things for Lex, but honestly they can wait, at least a little longer. I wanted to have a new changing pad and covers (the one I had in the garage is kind of torn up, it will suffice but new would be better, and I have no covers for it), and I wanted to have a hamper in his room too. The hamper can wait though, I know.

My appetite sure have improved this last week though, I can't stop eating! If anyone know me personally at all, they know I can eat 3-4 bites of dinner and be stuffed. Normal for me. So when I get home from work, and can eat a hamburger, an english muffin, strawberries, a small bowl of cereal, a glass of juice, and 3 glasses of water on top of it within 2-3 hour span... yeah. I think Lex is growing!! It's been like this for over a week now, I feel like I'm back in the second trimester.

It's kind of surreal at this point, to know that by Tuesday, for sure, this little boy will be here. Not just here, but like HERE. Out of me and like a real life baby. Oh my GOSH!! It blows my mind! Can't wait!

1 day late

Well, my due date came and went on Sunday. Nothing really happened, some slight Braxton Hicks but other than that, pretty uneventful. I have another dr appt tomorrow, and she did offer to sweep my membranes, and Ken would like me to, just to see if it will work to get labor going... but I'm kind of on the fence. I've heard it hurts, a lot, and having to work right afterward probably would not be good. Plus there is no promise it even works.
I'm going to ask tomorrow about how long they will let me go before we schedule an induction. I'm thinking it won't be much longer than this week. And even if it is, I think I'm going to go on maternity leave after this week. I am getting so tired, so quickly, and even the smaller kids are getting really hard to lift. My boss supports that decision as well, which is nice. I did end up turning in my FMLA request paperwork late, so I hope that doesn't screw something up.
Overall, Ken and I (and even Andy) are ready for this baby to be here. The time has come!

39 week Update

How far along: 39 weeks, 1 day

How big is baby: weighs about 7 pounds, and about 20 inches long

I have been feeling: Not too bad, just feeling huge! My stress level is good, just kind of worried about when the big moment will happen! Ready for Lex to be here, not ready for all of what labor will entail.

Total weight gain/loss? A little less than 20 pounds now, I can't remember eactly

Maternity clothes? Love them

Sleep? still not bad, turning over is rather difficult though

Best moment this week? Finally feeling like everything is ready for the baby to get here

Food cravings? Not craving really, but my appetite has been huge in the last week or two. I feel like I want to eat everything!

Food aversions?  none lately

Gender? Boy all the way!

Labor signs? none yet that I can tell, last Dr appt I had, was no dilation, no effacement, and it's just been a lot of Braxton Hicks.

Belly button in or out? Neither? It's not in or out, just kind of flat haha

What I miss? cold deli sandwiches... wearing my wedding rings on my finger... being comfortable in any kind of aspect!

What I'm looking forward to? The call to Ken letting him know I'm actually in labor

I'm worried about: what labor will be like exactly, being induced

Bump? Feeling stretched to capacity right now!

Next appointment: Tomorrow, the 20th. Hoping for some change at all!

38 weeks

Well I started my 38th week on Sunday, and boy is this kiddo getting big! My Dr measured my fundal height today and the first thing she said was "oh wow!". Hope he's not getting too big! There has been no change in either dilation or effacement since the 30th, so I'm guessing he still has some baking to do. He is head down though, and I got to see a quick profile today on an ultrasound, Dr Dickson wanted to confirm he hasn't flipped back up. It was only about 2 seconds, but I love it. Nice to see his face again. I'm really wondering what his features will be, something I think about a lot now.
Ken and I went to the mall to get him a suit jacket for an interview on Saturday, and about halfway though our shopping, my tummy started to hurt a lot! It started in one area, and moved to two different places by the time we got back to the car. It stopped as soon as I would sit or lay down, but for the rest of the night, any time I tried to stand up and move, I got a tightening and soreness feeling all over. Made the night difficult. It went away the following morning, and Dr Dickson confirmed today it was just Braxton Hicks. I had some bad Braxton Hicks again this afternoon, unfortunately at work, coupled with a caffeine headache, made for a miserable afternoon. I'm still going to work as long as I can, but if these continue like that, I may have to go on FMLA sooner than I want. It's pretty impossible to work the way I need to with contractions going on.
My stress level has gone way down since my last post, I was able to help out my brother last Saturday, chores in exchange for some cash, and he really helped knock out my to do list before Lex gets here.
I do have a new slight stress though, but there is nothing I can really do about it. If things work out with this interview Ken had today, he will have a new job in the near future. Which makes me stress a little about insurance. There is always a time period before benefits start, and the timing of the new job and Lex's arrival may be kind of scary. I really don't want to pay for his birth out of pocket!!  Nothing I can do about it, but it makes me nervous. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.
Unfortunately, due to finances and her trying to get a new job, Cyndi (my MIL) will not be able to come up for his first weeks of life. I'm ready and willing to buy her plane ticket, but finances are really tight for Ken's parents, and Cyndi really needs a job, so the timing doesn't work. Hopefully she will get up here sooner rather than later, before he's too old. Ken, Andy and I have talked about taking a road trip down there with Lex though, so there is always that possibility. 
Oh, good news though, we have the car seat installed in the car, and the stroller together and ready to go. Yay! I forgot what the pattern looked like when I bought it a few years ago, and I was surprised, it was different than I thought, but in a good way!

38 week picture!

36 weeks

Well I had my 36 week appointment on Tuesday, and Lex is still growing strong. My Dr said that he is getting big, and his heartbeat is still going strong, was in the 150's this time. She also said I'm dilated already (either 1/2 inch or 1 inch, I can't remember what she said now after the fact!), and she doesn't think I'm going to make it to my due date. I know it's more of a guessing game, but maybe the due date was wrong, and that was why Lex seems big? Possible. I need to finish some details with the packing of the hospital bag, but that is pretty much ready too. Kind of freaking out just slightly that he could come at any time... really hoping I don't go into labor at work, that kind of freaks me out.

I'm starting to feel better about getting prepped, there is very little left to get, it's more organizing everything and some extra cleaning, which shouldn't be too bad. Oh and figuring out how to install the car seats. I'm still feeling really good, and my energy is pretty good still as well. My hands and feet are swollen pretty much all of the time now, so I've switched my wedding rings to my necklace.

So overall, things are going much better, and beyond my worry about when and where I will go into labor, I'm feeling pretty positive about everything.

Progress

It may be a little thing, but all of Lex's clothes are officially organized!! Washed, dried, sorted, and organized in his room. I was also able to meal prep 6 meals today, which is a huge relief. Even if I can get 20 meals prepped and ready, I will feel better. I think 20 is a good goal before he gets here in 5ish weeks.
I also made a list of all the things we still really need (which isn't as much as I thought, a lot of stuff would be nice but this list is more of things I'll worry about if we don't get it before he gets here or very soon thereafter), and after this week I'm going to tackle my to do list on the fridge. At least the things i can do myself. I talked to Ken today about how overwhelmed I've been feeling, and he promised to help in the next few weeks. Definitely made me feel better.
Still have a few things to get together for the maternity photo shoot, but that will be easy to prep for. Not quite sure how I'll get a chance to do my hair the way I want it to be after working all day that day, but between my mom, the photographer, and myself, we'll figure it out.
I also started packing the mom and dad bags for the hospital today, and I think I'm about half way there. I need to get some extra toiletries I think, and pack some extra clothing and things for Lex, but after that, I can scratch that off the list too.

I'm definitely starting to feel better, even though it still seems like time is running out! 5 weeks! Unless he's late, but even then, 6 weeks maybe?? Eek! Excited and nervous at the same time!

Terrified

Ok is it normal for a mommy to be so overwhelmed and worried/terrified at this stage in the pregnancy? I feel like there is not enough. Not enough time, too much to do, not enough money, too much to buy still, not enough ready yet, too much to think about. Too much to worry about, as for the hospital, getting ready for labor, how I'm going to get everything prepped in a timely manner, the worries for what happens after my leave is over and I have to go back to work....

AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day, between work, commuting, dinner making, and spending time with my husband for little else regarding to cleaning, organizing, meal prep, or budgeting. 

I still feel like there are a lot of things that little Lex will need before he gets here, or soon thereafter, but trying to figure out how to pay for it is driving me crazy. Ken and I are having a hard enough time budgeting and saving for my leave (trying to cover bills for when I'm not working), that finding extra money for things like a infant bathtub, no scratch mittens, crib sheets, a mobile, an extra diaper bag, etc, is seemingly impossible. Not just that, but finding extra money for extra groceries so I can have freezer meals ready. Yeah, not sure sure how I'm going to do that. I can't expect Cyndi to be able to fill in that gap as far as paying for food when she's here helping... Don't get me started on where the extra money for helping her even GET here to see Lex will come from....

I definitely want to nest but after work I'm so tired, even thinking of cleaning more makes me want to scream. My to do list seems never ending, and while most of it I can do myself, I can't do it all. The nursery is almost ready, but I still have clothes to wash and sort and figure out my storage space for everything.

Ken and I still have to figure out the car seats, which also means cleaning out at least his car. I'd really like the stroller put together and ready before he's here too, in case I need to use it for whatever reason before Ken's 10 days of leave is up. I need to make Andy a small bag for Lex in case of emergencies. 

Thinking about all this makes my head want to explode!! And obviously trying to think about all of this at the same time is more than a little overwhelming. I'm trying to tackle the to do list as an every other week or something pace, so it's not too crazy. And I guess I have to suck it up and do at least something after work every day, since weekends will be nonexistent pretty much until Lex gets here. Oiy......

32 weeks

Late getting to this, but I thought I'd start anyway, at least every time I blog until I deliver.

How far along: 32 weeks, 3 days

How big is baby: weighs 3 3/4 pounds and is about 16.7 inches long

I have been feeling: Stressed and worried. We have nothing set up or ready yet, my house feels messy, and the urge to nest is hard to control. I don't want to nest too much yet since I have nothing ready, which is frustrating. Ken is also looking for a new job, and that coupled with our already strained finances is worrisome. Also super tired! Running out of energy very quickly now.

Total weight gain/loss? about 12ish pounds I think

Maternity clothes? I think I'm set. I have work pants, jeans, and 6 tops. The nylon or whatever on my pants gets annoying after several hours though.

Sleep? Getting better actually, but I still toss and turn a lot. 

Best moment this week? Getting plans ready for my first maternity shoot this weekend

Food cravings? Haven't had any for a while, but overall during the pregnancy it has been fried chicken, chocolate milk, fries, and pretzels.

Food aversions?  mustard and peanut butter

Gender? Boy all the way!

Labor signs? not that I'm aware of. Braxton Hicks jut recently started

Belly button in or out? Still in, but creeping towards an outie now

What I miss? sleeping on my stomach, so much!

What I'm looking forward to? My baby shower on the 13rd

I'm worried about: Finances, getting the nursery ready, all the stuff we have left to do.

Bump? Getting pretty big at this point

Next appointment: This Friday, July 5th.

Week 32!

 

31 weeks

Um, so can I just say how crazy it is that my pregnancy is almost over!? Every time I look at the ticker here on my blog, and the number of days I have until my due date gets lower, it's crazy, almost unbelievable! It seems so close! It's still a little hard to believe that this baby will be here soon and my life will be forever changed, even more so than it has already.

The nursery is still incomplete, and I'm starting to stress about it. Andy promises he will move this Tuesday on his day off, and even if we can just get the crib together, I'll feel better. I feel kind of overwhelmed by all we have left to do! Seems like a never ending list.

Thankfully my mom has taken the reins, and she and one of my sisters is hosting a baby shower for me. Feel better about that aspect, it should be a little crazy though, I think it ill be a pretty large party. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Ken and I have finally registered for a birthing class, in late July. I'm getting nervous about the idea of labor and delivery, but I'm hoping the class will help with that fear. I know it will be ok with Ken and my mom there beside me. I'm also nervous about my job prospect when I get back from maternity leave. I have a feeling that this pregnancy may change how my employer feels about me, and I'm nervous to see what exactly that means. How much my job may change when I come back. There just seems to be so much uncertainty in the air, very overwhelming... between the next 2 months and getting stuff prepared, my job, the changes that will happen between Ken and I... I think the next 6 months will definitely be a crazy whirlwind of stuff, and it's hard to keep all in my head. I'm hoping the next few weeks will be ok and go smoothly, hopefully then it will make the rest of the next 6 months or so be ok too.

Grieving

I had to post. I've kind of had an epiphany. As some of you may remember, after my second miscarriage, I joined a support group. During one of my last meetings, another member passed out livestrong type bracelets, but were black and said grieving on them. To serve as a public statement to the world that I have been hurt, that I lost something, something so dear to me. I only took it off maybe a handful of times, and any time I did for whatever reason, I felt naked, that I had to rush home and put it back on. That my grieving process was not over, not even close, and I needed the bracelet to help keep me in check.
Well, Ken and I went to a work function of his, a casino night, which meant we dressed up a little. I took off my bracelet since it really didn't go with my nice dress. And I haven't felt the need since I've come home and changed to put it back on again. I honestly don't think I need it. It is in my jewelry box, just in case, but I love the fact that that part of my life, may be over.
Don't get me wrong, I'll never be completely over what happened and the loss of my two babies, but it doesn't feel so raw, so real, so awful any more. I'm not sure if baby Lex has something major to do with this, or time, or both. All I know is that this is a good feeling, and it has definitely been quite the journey to reach this point. God is so good, and I can't thank Him enough for the blessings He has given Ken and I.

The 3rd Trimester!!

I can't believe we are in the last stretch of this pregnancy. Do I really only have 12 weeks left (give or take)? I keep wondering what my son will look like, how it will be when he is here. Will he look more like Ken or me? Both? Will he have dark hair or the platinum blonde Ken and I were both born with? I'm really curious to see him at last! Ken mentioned the other day "This baby needs to be here now!". I'm glad he is so excited, but this baby can cook as long as he needs to! Longer is better!

The nursery is finally ready to be put together (after we move Andy into the other bedroom, which should happen soon), and I'm hoping to get the main components up and ready before the end June. I wish I could repaint but I don't think there is enough time unfortunately. I'm really ready to start organizing and going through everything. There have been lots of families at work that have been awesome, and between those families, we now have another car seat with extra base, more clothes, a crib wedge, some decorations, and other random things. A parent at work told me too if we need anything to let her know, she has lots of stuff left over from her son (who is in my class). I figure I'll take her up on anything she's willing to give me, if I have extra or don't want some items, I can always sell it to a consignment shop. Can't hurt right?

I think the registries are pretty much complete, between Babies R Us and Target, I'm pretty confident we have everything we might still need. I think. Having Rachel help me with the Target list was great, she thought of a lot of things I didn't even think about. Definitely feels nice to have that taken care of.

Week 28!

26 weeks

There has been a lot going on. This little boy sure is active, but I love it. It's definitely the highlight of my day, and it is for Ken too. He told me yesterday as I was getting up for work (I was curled up o the couch, still half asleep) "I want to feel my boy kick!" Well ok then, tell me silly!Ken is constantly holding, kissing, and talking to Lex/my belly, and it's simply amazing. The other day I was on the computer and I saw he had taken out "The Expectant Father" book I bought years ago when we first got pregnant, and it warmed my heart to know that he went and got it of his own accord.
I asked Ken what his favorite part of the pregnancy has been so far, and he has two. Feeling Lex move, and beginning to get everything ready. I am so excited for him to be a father!!

I had my glucose test today, and I expected to have the results by the end of the week. Surprisingly, I had a voice mail on my phone after work that said I passed! Yay!! I'm so relieved, I was very nervous about the possibility of having gestational diabetes. Definitely feels positive, and just reaffirms to me that God is so good, and He has given me this baby for a reason. The pregnancy has been relatively easy thus far, and I know God has such great things in store for Ken, I, and Lex.

26 week baby bump

Odd and Ends

Well I know it's a little late in posting, but Ken and I have picked a name for our son. We've agreed on Alexander Leo. Leo is Ken's middle name, and Alexander is a name I've always liked for years. I really wanted to incorporate the name Jonathon somehow, but Ken wanted it as a first name and I didn't. I wanted to have 2 middle names, Jonathon Leo, but Ken didn't like that. The name fits though, I'm glad we came to a middle ground. I find it weird to call the baby by his name, in reference to him, though. Maybe because I'm still pregnant and it's... weird. I don't know, hard to explain. It feels weird to look at my stomach though and say "Alex" or "Lex". I'm sure I'll get over this as the weeks continue.

My friend Rachel gave me a huge box of clothes from her 14 month old son yesterday, which is a huge blessing. A family from work has a list of things from their children they want to give us too, which is awesome. I don't think Ken and I will have to register for much honestly. Little things like pacifiers and crib sheets and first aid stuff. Nothing too bad.

Is it weird that no one has offered to throw me a shower yet? I'm thinking that it will have to wait until July anyway, so that people with more complicated schedules can still attend. I really wish I could begin the set up process for the nursery, but that's a complicated issue. Every time I get inspiration, I have to remind myself to be patient. I really want to get things put together, while Ken and I have time on the weekends and I'm not as big as a house yet. Kind of frustrating at times.

The baby has been super active. Every time I sit down, even for a few minutes, he starts to rock and roll! He can make my whole tummy move now too, it's crazy fascinating. Ken and I went today with the roomies to see Iron Man 3, and pretty much the whole 2 1/2 hour movie, this baby was moving! He's kind of a turkey though, when Ken tries to feel, every time, that's when he stops. The baby cooperated for the most part today, and ken got to feel some of the more powerful kicks, which makes me smile. It's also crazy to say that I'm almost 6 months. Which is confusing by the way. 9 months is only 36 weeks, and to term is 40 weeks? Why do people say pregnancy is for 9 months when I guess technically it's 10? I don't quite get it.

My next Dr appointment, I have to do the glucose test, and I'm kind of nervous. My dad had diabetes, and I know I'm overweight, even before the pregnancy, but the thought of diabetes scares me. Really hoping the first test comes back negative.

I think that's it for now, all that I remember I wanted to write about. Almost 24 weeks!