New Mantra

I'm trying to have a new mantra about this TTC crap and all the weird things I've been feeling lately.

This Will Be Worth It

Trying to keep this in the back of my head all the time. Because having a baby, when it does happen, will be worth it. It will be worth all this pain, struggle, frustration, anger, jealously, depression, sadness, and craziness that this process and journey has been and become. This will be worth it. This WILL be worth it.

My mom is creating a baby blanket for a friend (not sure if I've mentioned this before, can't remember) who is due this month. My mom also decided to make me a baby blanket, slowly, since it's not like she has a timeline or due date to be done by, just because. My mom has a knack for guessing the genders of babies, and has only been wrong once in all her years of guessing. My mom is making a pink baby blanket, she believes whenever I get pregnant again it will be a girl. Well I guess time will only tell. This makes me want to know the genders of my lost babies, I think that would help my grief and process. I wish I knew.

Fake Out

Well, Ken and I did a little happy dance yesterday. I was expecting my period, and if it's coming, it's usually made an appearance by the afternoon. He met me for lunch and by 2 pm there was nothing yet. We tried to contain our excitement, and I said I would wait until today to test, just to make sure. We were so excited, and making mini plans, and also a little nervous (more so me than Ken). So I took a test this morning, and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. A day late and still negative. This is the closest we've been I guess, to having any kind of late periods in the last 6 months since we've been trying, and it was a major letdown this morning to tell Ken my last pregnancy test I had in the house said negative. He's sad yes, but not overly sad, and I'm just disappointed. Severely disappointed. A fake out is so much worse than expecting my period and getting it. UGH.

Nervous

Well unless my fertility tracker is wrong (which I'm assuming it's not) I'll either be late or start my period on friday. I'm kind of nervous for it, if that makes any sense.
I found a therapist (well it's a couple in a practice) that deals with grief and fertility issues, and part of my mom's support is that she's willing to help me receive those appointments, if I think they will help. The practice offers a free 30 minute consultation before they charge, which is awesome, and I just need to schedule a consultation now, when I can get some time off. I'm hoping for some time in February, so maybe then. I really hope it helps. Certainly can't hurt. I know the support group helped, but it was hard to connect to the members since none of them had endured a miscarriage/infant loss, all of their lost children were anywhere from 12-55 years old at the time of their death, plus they (the members) were all a lot older than I am. If it fit into my schedule better, I would continue, but I really didn't feel the connection, which makes it hard to be supportive of someone. So I'm hoping a therapist will be better. I guess we'll see, and I'll update again on Friday, keep your fingers crossed!

Waiting

Nothing new has really changed, it's just the same waiting game, checking and inputting, and waiting. And waiting. And more waiting. A dear friend of mine told me recently, if I ever need it, an overy, eggs, whatever, she will give it to me, if I experience that sort of problem. Very sweet, and I sincerely hope I never have to ask her.
It seems like the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks of infertility, that having my own kids isn't in the cards and I can't help but imagine just a little what life would be like if I wasn't able to have that one special dream. I'm sure it's not healthy, but once the wheel starts turning, it's so hard to stop it. I'm not ready to give up, not by a long shot, but sometimes worry starts to set in.

A new emotion I've been having lately, has been intense jealousy. Well it starts as anger and then I realize I'm angry because I'm jealous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have these emotions in the first place, for a stupid reason, and something so personal as pregnancy loss. I know I need to let my emotions and feelings flow and out as they come, but I hate feeling angry and jealous, it's not my natural state, especially when it's in reference to people close to me.
I just want to be better. I just want a baby. It sucks to have to track, monitor, worry, record, have a fertility tracker in my phone, predict, be disappointed, be jealous, be angry, be sad. Sometimes I wish life came with a magic wand. 

December Update

No baby this month either. My fertility tracker is awesome though, it's right on schedule and correct. It predicted that I would either start my period today or be late, and it was right. It's really nice to be able to have the tracker, it makes it so much easier to remember everything and predict when I could or should take a pregnancy test. It's been 5 months or so since we've started TTC again, so I'm not sure what's going on. Bad timing maybe? I think I'm going to give it until the end of January until I see the doctor. It won't be quite 6 months until then, so I figure 6 months is long enough to maybe try to get some answers.

Doing Well For A Change

On Thursday, I had the opportunity to work in the infant room (instead of the pretod room, ages 1 year to 2 years, which is my home room) pretty much all day. It was a nice change of pace, and it was one of my easiest days that I've ever had. It was so nice to just focus on playing, bottle feeding, soothing, cooing, and pouring love onto the babies. We had 8 that day, so a full room, and the babies ranged from 2 months to 11 months. I wasn't sure in the morning how I was going to feel about everything, but I enjoyed my day so much, it was such a relief. Being in the baby room melted away a lot of stress for me, and the teachers in the infant room I like a lot.
At one point I was playing with a 4 month old (while holding/cooing to a 2 month old to calm her down), putting a blanket on her face, and taking it away, saying boo, and dangling it on her face so the blanket tickled her cheeks. The 4 month old loved it so much, it was the first time I had heard her laugh. I kept giggling, and thought to myself "this is awesome, I can't wait to do this stuff with my own baby" then stopped for a second, and just for a moment, was intensely proud of myself. I wasn't dwelling on what I didn't have, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset at what could have been. I was just happy, joyful, excited about the future.
I talked about the situation with Ken the next day when we met for lunch, and he kind of had a "ok that's cool" attitude, but I understand, and told him so, that it's sometime difficult for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking regarding baby loss or the future, because we dealt with our losses so differently, obviously. And he understood, and I know he tries, he makes an effort to understand, but it is so different, our points of view. It's become a lot easier to talk to him about things, how I'm feeling, which has made things a little easier.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, that the healing is here and active. It's crazy to think that it's already almost been a year since everything. This month will be a year since my first miscarriage, and in March it will be a year since my second. Wow. I wonder if I should hold some sort of private reflection time or a candle lighting or something for these anniversaries. Something to think about I guess. Please let me know if joining me in whatever I decide to do is something you'd be interested in. 

Weird

I found a new application for my phone which is helping me track my ovulation, sex days, and period. I had another app on Ken's phone, but I like this one better. Not only is it on my phone, but it also has a lot more detail. It predicts ovulation, and it's set up where if I want (but I'm not doing it) is track my BBT, and CM. After inputting what I had on Ken's phone app into mine, I've discovered that my period has a trend of coming every 3 weeks, and has been consistently like that since June since I've started tracking it. Interesting point to bring up if I need to with the doctor.

I've been feeling weird these last two days. Ken and I went shopping for Christmas stuff yesterday (Saturday) and after some stressful looking at finances and a lot of thinking, we left the store and I had to fight back tears. But I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I had this overwhelming urge to just bawl. I was in a funky, depressed mood after we got home, and it was hard to feel happy. I don't know why I felt that way, yes I was stressed about money, but I usually don't cry at stuff like that. And today I had the same feeling just suddenly, after a great day and when Ken and I were snuggling on the couch. I just all of a sudden got super sad and wanted to cry I don't really understand. I don't think it's PMS since my period just ended on the 24th. If I'm not pregnant, then I should expect my period next week, the week of the 11th sometime. I guess time will tell.

Grief Work and An Update

Day 27: Share a picture.

This is my pregnancy test from my first pregnancy.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Not quite sure exactly what this means, but I don't think so. I don't think I've ever corrected someone or wished I had.

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
This is kind of a complicated question since my faith has wavered in recent years. I do believe with at least some shred of my inner being, that my children are in heaven, and I will see them again, but at the same time this is hard to believe since they were so young, and what I believe wholeheartedly is complicated. This isn't coming out the way I want it to. 

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
To allow myself what I feel, and begin each new days with hope. 

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your grief?
Yes I really do think it has helped, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to definitely.

Update:

No baby again this month, but I can say I'm not nearly as sad as I have been previously. I am sad, but I haven't cried or anything. I think if nothing happens in December (which will be 6 months of actively trying) I might make an appointment to talk with Dr Graman to talk about what else (if anything I can do and maybe help assuage my fears or maybe rule out problems). I think talking to him will help. I know it take 3-6 months for normal couples, but at the end of 6 months I might be a little more worried or fearful. I guess we'll see what happens next month.

Grief Work

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?
I do, just random ones, or random lyrics in songs that have nothing to do with baby loss. Today, actually, I was listening to "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella, and I couldn't help but think that my dream of babies, having babies, is the wish my heart is making, and I hoped so hard right at the line "It will come true". That's just one instance, I get reminders in songs a lot.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Told people. I wouldn't have told as many people about my second pregnancy so I wouldn't have to retell the pain of how and why I lost that pregnancy. I don't regret the telling of everyone of the first pregnancy, because it was such a joyous occasion, and that feeling was worth it.

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and to be angry, and to be depressed and sad, whatever I felt at the time.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?Again, just allowing myself to feel whatever I need to or do feel at the time. It helps.

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
I'd say a 7 1/2. I'm hopeful, I'm not dwelling, I miss my babies but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. 

Grief Work

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I do when I need to, which hasn't been very often lately. I give myself time to cry, to reflect, to think, to hope and wonder, cry some more, whatever I need. Obviously I can't give myself all the time in the world, but when I need it, I do.

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
This is a weird question, I don't know. I don't know if I can explain my thinking on this either.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Puts me at peace... I don't think so, not yet. Not something where I can think about it, look at it, whatever, and feel ok again. I don't think I'm at that point yet.

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
With my first loss, having my first positive pregnancy test, and telling my family and Ken's that we were expecting. With my second loss, going to the doctor and seeing my baby on the sonogram, knowing everything was going well and that I had a baby, growing and alive, in me.

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
That other people, seemingly everyone, has had easy pregnancies  and so easy at conceiving, one time and BAM! There is a perfect pregnancy. That everyone I know with kids, seems like everything is so easy, and Ken and I have had such a difficult time with conceiving this time, and keeping our pregnancy 2 previous times. That we have been trying for over a year and still no glimmer of hope. That I now have to pay for a procedure (6 months we've been paying and we still owe about $2000) that I never wanted and never should have happened. That Ken and I are even having trouble conceiving now. A lot of things.

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
That for 5 weeks of the last year, I was more happy than I had been in a long time, because I was pregnant. Ken and I were having a baby. I know my babies didn't stay, but I still love them, and giving me that tremendous amount of happiness, even for a short time, was an amazing gift. I will always smile knowing that.