No Baby In Feb

Well, no baby for February. I got my period yesterday, right on time, not even close to being late. Bleh.

Troubled

My friend Amy posted a comment on my previous post, and after replying, I've been re-reading some of my entries. I was looking to see if I had posted a song/video that really touched my heart (although it's on my iPod, I have to skip it a lot because it makes me cry nearly every time.) and even after 10 minutes of reading, and listening to another song I posted back in July, I can't stop crying. I guess I feel a little bit hopeless right now, that my dream of being a mommy will never come true. My heart feels so heavy today.

Anyway, here is a video of the song that I like, although it makes me cry. The video has lyrics. Very pretty, can be inspiring, but lately it makes me cry. My eyes really hurt now, with all this crying I've been doing today.

Confused

I really do think I need to make an appointment now. I've been tracking my mucus (sorry if this is TMI) to better predict ovulation (Ugh I honestly never even though I'd have to do this, but that's another post). And it seems that the indications that I'd be ovulating are all over the place. I've been reading up on it, and I've been experiencing what all the websites said should happen, but this month has been weird, I've gotten 2-3 days of days where what I'm interpreting would mean I'm ovulating or already did. And I'm so confused because they have been a week apart. So I don't know what to expect. My phone says to expect my Feb period by the 10th, but in case it doesn't show up then, I'm going to be a little skeptical, and give it another week to show up before I test. Just to make sure.

A coworker of mine told me a few days ago, that since she's discovered she can't have kids (we've talked about our own personal fertility issues before) that she's going to adopt. While I admire her courage, I hope she waits a little longer before starting the adoption process, to give herself time to grief her loss of fertility. That's kind of a big issue as a woman, to not be fertile. My heart grieves for her as well, because I cannot imagine the feelings she must have, after being told she will never have biological children. I hope and pray that I will never hear that news.

I am trying to be optimistic this month, keeping in mind we came close (sort of) last month, and that just because I haven't been pregnant the last 6 months, doesn't mean it still won't happen ever. I'm really trying, my optimism comes and goes. I guess I'll update again after the 10th.

New Mantra

I'm trying to have a new mantra about this TTC crap and all the weird things I've been feeling lately.

This Will Be Worth It

Trying to keep this in the back of my head all the time. Because having a baby, when it does happen, will be worth it. It will be worth all this pain, struggle, frustration, anger, jealously, depression, sadness, and craziness that this process and journey has been and become. This will be worth it. This WILL be worth it.

My mom is creating a baby blanket for a friend (not sure if I've mentioned this before, can't remember) who is due this month. My mom also decided to make me a baby blanket, slowly, since it's not like she has a timeline or due date to be done by, just because. My mom has a knack for guessing the genders of babies, and has only been wrong once in all her years of guessing. My mom is making a pink baby blanket, she believes whenever I get pregnant again it will be a girl. Well I guess time will only tell. This makes me want to know the genders of my lost babies, I think that would help my grief and process. I wish I knew.

Fake Out

Well, Ken and I did a little happy dance yesterday. I was expecting my period, and if it's coming, it's usually made an appearance by the afternoon. He met me for lunch and by 2 pm there was nothing yet. We tried to contain our excitement, and I said I would wait until today to test, just to make sure. We were so excited, and making mini plans, and also a little nervous (more so me than Ken). So I took a test this morning, and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. A day late and still negative. This is the closest we've been I guess, to having any kind of late periods in the last 6 months since we've been trying, and it was a major letdown this morning to tell Ken my last pregnancy test I had in the house said negative. He's sad yes, but not overly sad, and I'm just disappointed. Severely disappointed. A fake out is so much worse than expecting my period and getting it. UGH.

Nervous

Well unless my fertility tracker is wrong (which I'm assuming it's not) I'll either be late or start my period on friday. I'm kind of nervous for it, if that makes any sense.
I found a therapist (well it's a couple in a practice) that deals with grief and fertility issues, and part of my mom's support is that she's willing to help me receive those appointments, if I think they will help. The practice offers a free 30 minute consultation before they charge, which is awesome, and I just need to schedule a consultation now, when I can get some time off. I'm hoping for some time in February, so maybe then. I really hope it helps. Certainly can't hurt. I know the support group helped, but it was hard to connect to the members since none of them had endured a miscarriage/infant loss, all of their lost children were anywhere from 12-55 years old at the time of their death, plus they (the members) were all a lot older than I am. If it fit into my schedule better, I would continue, but I really didn't feel the connection, which makes it hard to be supportive of someone. So I'm hoping a therapist will be better. I guess we'll see, and I'll update again on Friday, keep your fingers crossed!

Waiting

Nothing new has really changed, it's just the same waiting game, checking and inputting, and waiting. And waiting. And more waiting. A dear friend of mine told me recently, if I ever need it, an overy, eggs, whatever, she will give it to me, if I experience that sort of problem. Very sweet, and I sincerely hope I never have to ask her.
It seems like the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks of infertility, that having my own kids isn't in the cards and I can't help but imagine just a little what life would be like if I wasn't able to have that one special dream. I'm sure it's not healthy, but once the wheel starts turning, it's so hard to stop it. I'm not ready to give up, not by a long shot, but sometimes worry starts to set in.

A new emotion I've been having lately, has been intense jealousy. Well it starts as anger and then I realize I'm angry because I'm jealous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have these emotions in the first place, for a stupid reason, and something so personal as pregnancy loss. I know I need to let my emotions and feelings flow and out as they come, but I hate feeling angry and jealous, it's not my natural state, especially when it's in reference to people close to me.
I just want to be better. I just want a baby. It sucks to have to track, monitor, worry, record, have a fertility tracker in my phone, predict, be disappointed, be jealous, be angry, be sad. Sometimes I wish life came with a magic wand. 

December Update

No baby this month either. My fertility tracker is awesome though, it's right on schedule and correct. It predicted that I would either start my period today or be late, and it was right. It's really nice to be able to have the tracker, it makes it so much easier to remember everything and predict when I could or should take a pregnancy test. It's been 5 months or so since we've started TTC again, so I'm not sure what's going on. Bad timing maybe? I think I'm going to give it until the end of January until I see the doctor. It won't be quite 6 months until then, so I figure 6 months is long enough to maybe try to get some answers.

Doing Well For A Change

On Thursday, I had the opportunity to work in the infant room (instead of the pretod room, ages 1 year to 2 years, which is my home room) pretty much all day. It was a nice change of pace, and it was one of my easiest days that I've ever had. It was so nice to just focus on playing, bottle feeding, soothing, cooing, and pouring love onto the babies. We had 8 that day, so a full room, and the babies ranged from 2 months to 11 months. I wasn't sure in the morning how I was going to feel about everything, but I enjoyed my day so much, it was such a relief. Being in the baby room melted away a lot of stress for me, and the teachers in the infant room I like a lot.
At one point I was playing with a 4 month old (while holding/cooing to a 2 month old to calm her down), putting a blanket on her face, and taking it away, saying boo, and dangling it on her face so the blanket tickled her cheeks. The 4 month old loved it so much, it was the first time I had heard her laugh. I kept giggling, and thought to myself "this is awesome, I can't wait to do this stuff with my own baby" then stopped for a second, and just for a moment, was intensely proud of myself. I wasn't dwelling on what I didn't have, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset at what could have been. I was just happy, joyful, excited about the future.
I talked about the situation with Ken the next day when we met for lunch, and he kind of had a "ok that's cool" attitude, but I understand, and told him so, that it's sometime difficult for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking regarding baby loss or the future, because we dealt with our losses so differently, obviously. And he understood, and I know he tries, he makes an effort to understand, but it is so different, our points of view. It's become a lot easier to talk to him about things, how I'm feeling, which has made things a little easier.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, that the healing is here and active. It's crazy to think that it's already almost been a year since everything. This month will be a year since my first miscarriage, and in March it will be a year since my second. Wow. I wonder if I should hold some sort of private reflection time or a candle lighting or something for these anniversaries. Something to think about I guess. Please let me know if joining me in whatever I decide to do is something you'd be interested in. 

Weird

I found a new application for my phone which is helping me track my ovulation, sex days, and period. I had another app on Ken's phone, but I like this one better. Not only is it on my phone, but it also has a lot more detail. It predicts ovulation, and it's set up where if I want (but I'm not doing it) is track my BBT, and CM. After inputting what I had on Ken's phone app into mine, I've discovered that my period has a trend of coming every 3 weeks, and has been consistently like that since June since I've started tracking it. Interesting point to bring up if I need to with the doctor.

I've been feeling weird these last two days. Ken and I went shopping for Christmas stuff yesterday (Saturday) and after some stressful looking at finances and a lot of thinking, we left the store and I had to fight back tears. But I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I had this overwhelming urge to just bawl. I was in a funky, depressed mood after we got home, and it was hard to feel happy. I don't know why I felt that way, yes I was stressed about money, but I usually don't cry at stuff like that. And today I had the same feeling just suddenly, after a great day and when Ken and I were snuggling on the couch. I just all of a sudden got super sad and wanted to cry I don't really understand. I don't think it's PMS since my period just ended on the 24th. If I'm not pregnant, then I should expect my period next week, the week of the 11th sometime. I guess time will tell.