Hurt

Last night Ken and I were going to bed, and were talking before we fall asleep (as we normally do). We were talking of the overtime he has to work today, and I know he's stressed about money. I don't quite remember how how the conversation went from overtime to the baby, but he asked how much time I was thinking of taking off for work for the baby. I said "well I have to wait 6 weeks until the baby can come with me to daycare, and I'm kind of hoping for the last month to be at home to rest and not stress myself out". He says "Well I guess I'm going to be be working a lot of 12s then". The conversation goes back and forth, about me saving up leave, so hopefully some of that time will be paid, and I mentioned that I know he's kind of anxious for the baby to be born so he can join the military (he's waiting to enlist until the baby is born and at least 6 weeks old). He said something about yeah maybe a little, but he's ready for the next stage of life. I asked him what he meant, and he said something like "I'm ready to take care of the baby, I'm kind of over the whole pregnancy thing already".

........

And I don't know exactly why, but that really hurt my feelings. Really bad. I kind of laughed it off and said "well we've got 6 more months to go, you can't be tired of it yet!" and then we went to sleep, but every time I think of it today I get even more sad. How can he be "over the pregnancy thing" already? I understand he doesn't find it as fascinating as I do, and that his reasons for wanting it to be over is kind of clouded with wanting to join the military, but really? There are so many more exciting things that have yet to come! Hearing the heartbeat, finding out if we're having a Logan or an Abigail, the first ultrasound where we actually can see the baby, watching my tummy grow... and you're tired of it? I'm not even showing yet! Even as I type this, I'm tearing up. It hurt. It hurts. Whether it's true or not, how can you say something like that? I don't understand. This is the ONE part of having the baby he'll probably even be around for, he's going to miss so much, pretty much the first year of his/her life when he's gone to basic and the training afterward. Yeah there's ways of communicating over the internet, but it's not the same at all as being here and seeing the smiles, sleeping, the rolling over, the sitting up, the walking, the talking........ how can you be tired of the one part you'll be here to witness!!? I still don't think he really understands how I feel about all the crap about the military. We decided on a baby way before YOU decided on the military.

I feel so unsupported right now, from the one person who should be the biggest support in my life. I know family and friends and coworkers care and are excited, but it's not the same at all as having my husband there through everything. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this myself.