Pissed Off

I am so beyond angry right now. It has been a horrible day, between stupid things at work and I was right, no baby. My period came today. I'm such an odd mix of angry and hurt and disappointed right now. I was trying to keep the attitude that Ken has "Expect the worst, hope for the best" but I honestly can't keep that little glimmer of hope in the back of my head, especially when I was so close to being late. I kept trying to convince myself both ways so I wouldn't get really upset, but that obviously didn't work.  I know the window of getting pregnant every month is so short, but no matter what day, what part of the week, tracking ovulation, leaving it up to God, not caring, caring too much, for the 3rd month of actively trying and all I keep getting is hurt more and more. I know it can take up to 6 months, up to year honestly, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't want it to take a year, 6 months, 3 more months. This does not get easier.
And my due date is coming up. Thank goodness it falls on a Saturday, at least I won't be at work thinking about it all day.

I just want to be over all this. Over the stress, over the grief, over the worry, over the constant reminders, over the pain, over the financial burden from the D&C, over the little bit of hope left in my heart, over it all! I want to move on! I wish I could erase this chapter of my life, ask for a do over. Ugh. I want my husband.

Sad

I'm almost 99% sure there is no baby, no pregnancy this month. Does this disappointment ever get easier?

Conflicted

I feel so guilty and such a bad friend right now. I got a message from a dear friend of mine last night over facebook, asking what she should do, she thinks she had a miscarriage at about 2 weeks or so. She had goggled images and symptoms, and was really upset because she was happy about being pregnant and had been excited. She asked me for my advice since she didn't really know anyone else who would understand and her husband is away for Air Force training.
I feel conflicted because while I gave her the best advice I could under the circumstances (it's kind of hard to tell her anything since both of mine were farther along), I found myself upset and angry that she even asked. I know that not many women my age have had miscarriages, and I'm glad she asked, but the whole situation left me bitter. My heart hurts for her pain, and she has been nothing but supportive in my losses, but I couldn't help but find myself angry; she has two kids why does she want to get pregnant again already? If you think 2 weeks is hard and painful, try 5 and 10 weeks; how insensitive can she be?
Which of course, my anger and hurt turned into guilt, I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be jealous, I'm glad she came to me during such a hard time....

UGH. I so dearly love my husband. He makes everything better. We cuddled afterward and fell asleep, and he just made me feel better in general. Stil feeling bad today but trying to keep her perspective and be a better friend.

Continued

Nausea has continued, but has become more mild. I hope that's not a bad sign. Sunday I was cooking and had a big wave of nausea after inhaling the smell, but was fine after a moment. Today I tried to eat a food I've eaten plenty of times before and couldn't eat it, it was suddenly way too salty. My coworker gave me the wiggly eyebrows again when I said that, but I'm honestly trying not to hope. I want to test but I know I shouldn't. I guess I'll update about my tummy as times goes on.

Possible

Well I have been feeling slightly nauseated at random times for the last 2 weeks. Last Wednesday, the 31st, I felt qeuasy most of the night and then threw up that night after going to bed. Stayed home Thursday, and was still super sick. Friday went to work and felt half and half, sick and ok. Now the nausea will come and go at random times. Several times over the last week I'll move at work and get a wave of "oh my goodness". Then I'm fine. Yesterday I ate a popsicle and right afterward had a wave of nausea again, and 5 minutes later I was fine. It's been kind of strange, and the coworker I work with the most gave me the raised eyebrows several times yesterday, as in "Roxanne, are you...maybe... huh huh??" which made me laugh. She knows Ken and I are trying, and I told her I'm trying not to hope.
Just the sequence is weird right? I can understand feeling sick on Wednesday and part of Thursday was maybe food poisoning. But the rest of this week, at random times? Maybe I'm not eating enough? But if that's true, why would I get sick for a few minutes after eating something and then be fine? It's been 2 weeks since my period, so I won't have anything to miss for a while longer. I'm curious but I'm not going to waste my last pregnancy test just yet. I think I'll wait another 2 weeks if my period doesn't come by the 7th or so, then I'll test. Hm...

Lately...

I had another baby dream, but not about a baby. This time I was 9 months pregnant, about to pop. I remember touching, rubbing my baby belly, thinking about happy I was.

...........

All of this is so hard. All I think about, literally, unless I am doing a task, is on being pregnant, a baby, the possibility, thinking what if, thinking what's wrong if anything, dreaming...
I guess it used to be all my thoughts were on my passed babies, and now I'm focused all my thoughts on the future, what could happen. Please, give me some sort of sign, this and these feelings are too intense.

I HATE THIS

I hate this. I hate this with every fiber of my being. Why? What am I doing wrong? What are we doing wrong? Just when I have  tiny shred of hope that something happened, and am having a great day with friends, does my period have to come in and ruin it. I am so disappointed, frustrated, pissed off, hurt.... both sides of this spectrum absolutely suck. Waiting for conception. Conception happening and then trying to keep it. Why is having a baby such a hard experience for me? Why after a whole month nothing has happened. I can't help but feel so jealous of other women and their easy fertility. Bam, one time and it happens. Not for me. But when? Will it ever? Will I have unexplained infertility? Is this a complication that never manifested itself until now fro the D&C? I know I can deal with the stress and the fear of another miscarriage, but now the problem is conceiving. Why is this so hard? All I want is to understand. To understand why this is happening, when will I get pregnant again, what if anything am I doing wrong? I don't know if I can take much more this end of the month disappointment. This is one of the most horrible feelings I've ever had in my life.

Hope

It's been a while since I've written, and as far as I know, things have been good on the baby business. I'm kind of crossing my fingers with this month. It's been all of August, and part of July and I'm kind of holding my breath. I guess we will see in a couple more weeks if anything is brewing or not.
There seems to be a lot of miscarriage talk lately, through TV, things on facebook, and people talking. It's almost weird. There was an episode of The Big C on tonight, and one of the main characters lost her baby in a later miscarriage (I'm guessing around 20ish weeks) and threw a funeral for her baby. The main character gave a great eulogy, about how even though the baby was lost early, too soon gone, it gave her parents a brief time where they were happier than any other time in their lives. It really hit me that yes, those 10 weeks (4 weeks if you measure from when I found out to the loss) I was pregnant the second time and the one week I was pregnant the first time were the happiest moments of my life, besides obvious ones like meeting/marrying Ken and the like.
Also today there was a post through The Compassionate Friends website about miscarriage, which I loved. Here is the article:

August 19, 2011
Ken Harbaugh is a former Navy pilot and an NPR commentator.
It has been three months since the miscarriage. We weren't far along, still in the first trimester, so only our closest friends knew we were expecting.
Annmarie, my wife, is fine. At least, her body is fine. There is something broken in both of us, though.
My wife and I have every reason to be grateful. The miscarriage happened early on. Annmarie was never in danger. We have two beautiful girls already. If we want, we can still have more. But the whole experience left us wondering how one deals with a tragedy that happens quietly at home.
A few weeks before we lost the baby, my wife's grandfather died. His funeral, like any other, was solemn. But also beautiful. Everyone came — all 10 kids, from across the country. Distant relatives, co-workers, people from church stopped by to pay their respects. They mourned alongside the family. We buried Grandpa Kel that afternoon, and woke the next morning with the memory of a beautiful send-off.
There is a reason that such ceremonies exist. Who knows if it meant anything to Grandpa, lying in his coffin, but it meant a lot to everyone else. I gave him my gold Navy wings, pinned to an American flag laid on his chest. He was the only other Navy pilot in the family, and I felt the need to solemnize that connection. Others said goodbye in their own way. Some talked to him, some knelt for a while by his side. Most important, we all said farewell together.
A miscarriage is tragic enough by itself. What makes it worse is the fact that no social custom has evolved to help us through the loss. There is no ceremony, no coming together, no ritualized support. Annmarie and I suffered alone, in silence. Most of our friends had no idea we were grieving. It took me two weeks to tell my own mom.
And it's not as if life stopped, or even slowed down to allow us a moment to reflect. We had jobs to get to, kids to take care of. Real sadness seemed an indulgence we could not afford.
In the months since, I have learned something about this kind of grief. It is not a luxury, but an essential part of healing. So this weekend, after the kids are in bed, Annmarie and I will do something that may seem a little crazy. We will head into the garden with a bulb we've been saving. We will bury it, say a few words, and hold each other. We will finally have our ceremony.
I suspect that watching the first green shoot push up through the earth will hurt. Every time we see it, we will be reminded of what happened to us. But that's alright. Grief cannot be buried forever. With enough time, and a little sunlight, it might just transform itself into something that aches a little less.

I kind of want to do something like that now, maybe not a tree, but some pretty flowering plant or a special candle or something of significance. I'm still thinking of exactly what it should be, but something. I think I need something like that to help.
So I guess now it's a waiting game to see what will happen, a period or two pink lines. I still have a pregnancy test under the sink in my bathroom, and I'm hoping I won't have to buy more, that thise last one will be it. Please be it.

Different

Is it weird to say that just recently I've been feeling like my life changed forever because of losing 2 babies to miscarriage? Like on the surface, I knew I was a changed person, but up until yesterday and today, it's really sunk in that my life will never be the same, and I will never be the same person I was before October 2010. Grief is so strange. I mist edit this later to include more, but my hand is acting up making it hard to type.

Dr Graman

I had my appointment with Dr Graman today in Enumclaw, and I found myself a new baby doctor! He was awesome, and the whole clinic is great. It took a little bit to be called back, maybe about 20 minutes, but that was including paperwork and health history. Took less than 5 minutes for him to get back to the room, and he just listened while I told my story and gave him dates and time and everything that has happened in the last 8+ months. I told him I wanted a second opinion based on what happened with Dr Jung. He reassured me (without even having paperwork from Dr Jung, but they should have it in the next few days) that I should be optimistic, and that he's optimistic. He doesn't see any reason why number 3 won't be healthy and successful. He said after I get a missed period, I can see him around 6-8 weeks for an ultrasound, and will have an appointment every two weeks from there until whenever to make sure everything is on track and help me with my fear. He addressed my fears, and also said that taking progesterone (that Dr Jung said would help and prescribed) won't hurt me, but probably won't help either because of the fact that the second pregnancy was lost at 10 weeks. I guess the progesterone would help if both my pregnancies ended around 5-8 weeks, but because the second was 10, he doesn't see a need for it or that it will help or be a magic pill to give me a baby. He said that I have about a 26 day cycle, which is good to know... we had like a 20 minute meeting, and he said a lot which is now escaping my mind, but he was overall very kind, understanding, LISTENED to me, and even said if I have any questions any time, I can call and we can chat over the phone, I don't have to make an appointment. Over the phone, with a doctor, not a receptionist! I really understand the importance of referrals from patients, not an ER doctor. I would recommend him to any woman having a baby, I'm sold! I have a new baby doctor! Big thank you to my sister for telling me to go to him (and they even remembered who she was, just from a name, which usually doesn't happen, so that was a plus).