I am so beyond angry right now. It has been a horrible day, between stupid things at work and I was right, no baby. My period came today. I'm such an odd mix of angry and hurt and disappointed right now. I was trying to keep the attitude that Ken has "Expect the worst, hope for the best" but I honestly can't keep that little glimmer of hope in the back of my head, especially when I was so close to being late. I kept trying to convince myself both ways so I wouldn't get really upset, but that obviously didn't work. I know the window of getting pregnant every month is so short, but no matter what day, what part of the week, tracking ovulation, leaving it up to God, not caring, caring too much, for the 3rd month of actively trying and all I keep getting is hurt more and more. I know it can take up to 6 months, up to year honestly, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't want it to take a year, 6 months, 3 more months. This does not get easier.
And my due date is coming up. Thank goodness it falls on a Saturday, at least I won't be at work thinking about it all day.
I just want to be over all this. Over the stress, over the grief, over the worry, over the constant reminders, over the pain, over the financial burden from the D&C, over the little bit of hope left in my heart, over it all! I want to move on! I wish I could erase this chapter of my life, ask for a do over. Ugh. I want my husband.
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