Lost

Well the dreaded doctors appointment is over. We went in at 845 this morning, and ended up waiting nearly a half hour for Sally to come in. They called me back pretty soon after she arrived, and she told me she would try the over the belly ultrasound first and if need be, they would do the internal. I swear five seconds after she started she had the picture up, nice and clear.
Sally said that the baby only made it developmentally to 8 weeks, and there was no heartbeat.  
NO HEARTBEAT.
........
She asked me if I was still having pregnancy symptoms, and I told her yes, I was finally over the nausea but I figured that was since I was near the 3 months. She said she was sure about everything, and sometimes it can take the body a month to respond that something is wrong and miscarry, and a lot of women choose to do the D/C so they don't bleed unexpectedly and go to the ER, blah blah. I asked her if they had any idea what could have happened, and she said that something on the molecular level, something probably with the chromosomes wasn't right. She walked out to give me time and get dressed again, and all I could do was cry. I don't understand. I don't understand!!! Why? Why a second time? Why now? Why didn't it stick? Why me? I have an appointment for the D/C on Friday, which I'm super scared for.
.......

I'm so upset, and hurt, and mad about this. I was so sure everything would be perfect, and now randomly I get thoughts of my dead baby still inside me, and how I've been so excited and reading the books and watching it grow and it's been gone and I haven't known. I had no clue. I'm so scared for the next time we try. I'm scared it will happen again, I'm scared that I can get pregnant easy but I won't ever be able to keep a full term baby, that we'll have to do infertility treatments or end up adopting because I can't carry a baby. I wanted this so bad, why did this have to happen? I guess that's the question I'm wrestling with right now, WHY??!! It's so strange that life goes on when I'm having this trauma right now. How am I supposed to still be normal, go to work, eat, shower, be a normal human being? All I want is a baby, why is that so hard? Especially when my brother and his wife Katie are having a baby at the same time. She's only a day ahead of me (was anyway) and I am happy for them, but it makes the whole thing that much harder. Knowing they are experiencing the things I should be right now. I feel so lost, so empty, depressed. Does it get better? How do I not freak out when we start trying again? How long should we wait until we try again anyway? Will it really stick next time? Will there even be a next time? Too many questions, not nearly enough answers.