Grief Work

I went to Babies R Us today to pick out some presents for a good friend of mine who is having a baby boy in late January. I knew going it might be a little difficult, but I needed to go so I went. I was fine about 90% of the time in store, and only had a minor freak out/heartache being surrounded by baby items and babies. I had to breathe a little when I got back to my car, but overall I think I did fine. It was my first time in any baby related store (I still choose not to go into the baby sections of Walmart or Target), and I think it went ok. Kind of proud of myself. Now onto my grief work.
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Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Lately I've been having good days, which I think is progress. I can openly talk about my experiences about my miscarriages (although not going into too much detail) and not get too choked up or emotional, and reminders of babies or baby related things don't depress me as much.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
No other children, but our loss has definitely affected my marriage. I think my personal stress and grief being the mom made moving forward hard, because Ken doesn't relate as well, it wasn't as emotional a loss for him. Now we're struggling with TTC, and my stress and worry affects Ken which stresses him out. We're getting better, but we've had a couple rough patches.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
N/A

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Definitely. Ken was sad about the loss yes, but not nearly as deeply or as heartfelt (if that makes sense) as myself. And I understand that, guys aren't as connected to babies and pregnancy the same way. He grieved his own way and in his own time, as am I.

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
My family has felt really bad for me and had sympathy, and I know my loss has affected my mom deeply, if for the only reason that I'm hurting. It's kind of a subject we don't talk about, unless I bring it up. We aren't that close being so scattered all over the US and state, so maybe they don't know how to deal with it, or don't want to make me upset by mentioning it? Not sure.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
Our babies didn't have names, not knowing the gender makes it hard to name them beyond Baby Dudley. My mom does, I don't think anyone else does. And that's fine, I'm not offended.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel?
I have pictures on my computer of the pregnancy tests and I still have the sonogram(?) of my 10 week lost baby at 6 1/2 weeks. I also have their butterfly from the Rock and Walk in the nursery. I'm sure there will be more in years coming.

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
I guess I was supposed to do this starting October 1st, so the 15th of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was also my due date for my 10 weeks lost baby. I didn't do much; some personal grieving for myself and anyone else who has lost a child, some extra cuddles from Ken, and my normal Saturday routine.