Lost And All Alone

I wrestled with writing this for about an hour or so, whether or not I really wanted to put this out there. I feel so lost right now, and so alone. This weekend pretty much sucked, Ken and I were fighting off and on, we didn't really do anything of significance, so boredom was abundant, and I've kind of lost hope that I'm pregnant or ever will get pregnant again. I've lost hope that if it's even possible, if we can support a child financially. And if we can't have children, then that's seems to be it, we are in no financially position to undergo IVF or adoption or anything else. Everything seems so hopeless right now, like my biggest wish and dream will never come true. I think I may be a little depressed, but it's not like I can fix it, because any pill that I can is unsafe, because what would happen if right as I start to take a pill to make me happy, that's when I get pregnant. There are too many unknowns in this journey I'm on, and being the planner I am, it makes it so difficult to feel safe, hopeful, even the slightest bit optimistic.

I want to cry, scream, stamp my feet over the unfairness of all this. I want to curse and fall to my knees and ask God why, I want to forget, I want to understand, I want to not care as much as I do about this.