Grief

"Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations. Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives, to recognize what’s really important and put it first. Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted. Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death. Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.
None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad.”
- Roger Bertschausen

The Tears Foundation

It is that time again. The Tears Foundation Rock and Walk is coming up on the 16th. This local charity helps families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss. They help local families with burial costs, tombstones, and moses baskets. If you are interested in donating through my Rock and Walk team, please click the donate button on the side of my blog.

Dream

I had an interesting dream last night, and I wanted to make sure I wrote it down, seem it was kind of weird. I was traveling with family to I think Australia, for some kind of family reunion. We got there, and I was getting the tour of the housing place we were staying by some of the family. One of my super distant cousins was pregnant, and I somehow told her all of my baby issues, how I want a baby but have not gotten that far yet. She told me why didn't I adopt the baby, hers, since she fell pregnant and didn't want it anyway, like it was nothing. I was of course in shock, and asked her more details, including what the gender was, and she said it was a boy. Which made me fall to my knees in tears because that is what I had wanted originally when I was planning on TTC, and here she was giving me exactly what I had wanted. The rest of the dream is a blur after that point.
Maybe I've been watching too much 16 and pregnant or shows like it, but the dream kind of rattled me. I don't know whether to read into it or not.
I'm so pretty sure there will be no baby for the month of May. I wish I had clarification though, I don't know if Dr Graman meant to include this month in the 2-3 month time frame he gave me to conceive or if because of the test he wasn't counting it. I don't know.

Test Results and the Next Step

My test was yesterday, the one where my doctor injects dye into my uterus to see if my tubes are open or blocked. The test itself was pretty quick (about 30 minutes from the time I had to get undressed to the time I was able to clean up and go) but it was also pretty painful. It was mostly a cramping pain, but a very intense type cramp, something I've never experienced before. The good thing is I got results right after the test was done. It seems like my left tube is open, but my right one is blocked. The dye wouldn't go into my right tube at all. Dr Graman says sometimes the test is all it takes to kick start my body into actually getting pregnant, so he wants me to try and see if something happens in 2-3 cycles. If it doesn't, then I need a special kind of surgery to see what's going on with the tube, where the blockage is, all that. And then we look into Ken, and see if there is an issue with him.

I talked to my mom about all this the day of the test (we went out to dinner for Mother's Day early) and apparently my older sister had something similar, she could only get pregnant every other month, but she ended up having 2 healthy boys. I guess this makes sense because ovaries take turns on which one releases the egg, and so it will still show I'm ovulating, but the egg can't go anywhere and neither can the sperm if it's in that blocked tube. Which would make sense that it's been almost a year of trying and no baby. My mom also said that if there was car tissue from my D&C, then it can move into the tubes, which might be what the blockage is.

I had a talk with Ken after I got home, about our options what he wanted, what he thought, how far he wanted to go with the trying to have a baby. He actually surprised me, and we had a very good talk. He wants a baby just as desperately as I do, which is something I hadn't thought he really wanted sometimes. He talked to him mom recently and she said there are middle class adoptions, so it doesn't cost thousands of dollars. I guess if we can find something, it's a good choice. He doesn't seem to want to go down the IVF route either. Mainly because he says it's really expensive, and it's not guaranteed we'd get pregnant. I told him I wanted to keep going for the 2-3 cycles, but after that I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, and he got kind of upset. He wants a baby badly, and he doesn't want to stop trying. I told him that I just wanted to see what would happen, and if nothing works, then we can see where we are emotionally and financially, and then make the next decision. He also said he's totally fine with going through whatever testing he would need to, which makes me feel better, I wasn't sure how he would feel about it.

So I guess now it's just do what we've been doing. I have taken off the fertility tracker on my phone though, I think using it was just too much pressure. I'm trying to give myself some peace and not freak out that next month would be a year since we've started trying again. I think it helps that Dr Graman said to try for another 2-3 months. I guess we will see.

Day Before

I am having my procedure/trst/xray done tomorrow, and I'd have to lie if I said I wasn't scared. I am. I'm scared of the test itself, I'm scared of what I might have to do (have I mentioned they might have to give me an enema? Sorry if that was TMI, but UGH no thank you!), if I will be sore or able to preform my job afterward. I'm really scared of what this test might mean for my baby future, for the future of Ken and I and all that. I have to check in at St Elizabeth in Enumclaw at 1045. So nervous. I trust Dr Graman though, he's the one doing the procedure, definitely trudt him more than I ever did Dr Bahgdadi or Dr Jung.
Please let this test go well, with minimal invasiveness and stress, minimal moments of being uncomfortable, and good results. Please Please Please!!!!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Apparently today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I got an invite from a friend of mine (unfortunately another baby loss mama) to the group on facebook, and I guess people are trying to have everyone celebrate and recognize those who has suffered from pregnancy/infant loss as their mother's day. I remember Mother's Day last year, how unhappy it was for me, right after the loss of my second pregnancy and my D&C. I'm hoping this year will be better, but you never know. I'm trying to recognize this day as a day to myself, and remember that I am indeed a mom.... but not going to lie, that is something I've always struggled with. I don't feel like a mom. At all.
I feel like a person who has lost a part of themselves, lost a piece of their heart, like a failure, like an idiot. Anything else but a mom. I know that's not how I should feel and that I have every right to be called a mom, and have that title, but honestly I've never felt it. Maybe kind of when I was pregnant but even then it was all so early, it was hard to really call myself a mom.
This is such a roller coaster, one day I think I would be just fine having a family of 2, to not have children, and today I feel like I would give my right arm for a baby. This craziness needs to end.

Unsure

I've been thinking lately. I've been trying to make an appointment for that dye test the last 2 days, and for several reasons I have been unable to. I should get one scheduled tomorrow though. So anyway, I've been thinking....
I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I had to stop myself today and wonder when I'll say enough is enough. What if this test doesn't go well, and what I need is surgery? What if I get the surgery and baby making still doesn't happen? Will I do IVF? Adoption? Foster? How badly do I really want children, how far will I go? I don't know how much more I can do this, take this toll on my emotional and mental health, how much more I can take on my marriage. I know Ken is apprehensive about spending a bunch of money on tests and treatments, just to get pregnant, and that's not even taking into account the financial aspect of once the baby is here (and that's if I can keep it, who says I won't have another miscarriage if I do get pregnant, then it that took a procedure that's like money wasted). I guess I'm trying to be a little bit of a realist here, and I haven't come up with a clear answer. I don't know when my stopping point is, but I think it's soon. I'm happy enough with my life as it is, I don't need to have children in order to be happy or survive. I would get over infertility. I just don't see myself going through years of procedures and complications and hopes and dreams and disappointments in order to have a baby. I guess a lot rides on this upcoming test, and depending what's going on, I guess that will depend my future. All I know is this roller coaster ride of trying to have a baby, and failing twice, and then trying to get pregnant for 9 months is getting old. Fast. I think it might be time to get off the ride. 

Confused

Well I thought I had answers... but I don't. I got in the mail today, a paper from my Dr going over my test results. I must have heard the nurse wrong, since the lab results say that I have indicators for POC, but I did indeed ovulate this month.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess the test he wants me to have is called hysterosalpingogram after I have my period. What is this exactly? This is from web md:

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).
During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.

Why It Is Done

A hysterosalpingogram is done to:

• Find a blocked fallopian tube. The test often is done for a woman who is having a hard time becoming pregnant. An infection may cause severe scarring of the fallopian tubes and block the tubes, preventing pregnancy. Occasionally the dye used during a hysterosalpingogram will push through and open a blocked tube.
• Find problems in the uterus, such as an abnormal shape or structure, an injury, polyps, fibroids, adhesions, or a foreign object in the uterus. These types of problems may cause painful menstrual periods or repeated miscarriages.

Why does it seem to me that this is always the case? Nothing is easy, there is always something in my life, complications that no one else seems to have.
So onto complication number two.... granted maybe my little tracker thing is off, but I was expecting my period on Sunday, and I still haven't had it. I'm late by 3 days. Should I get a pregnancy test? Do I chalk it up to something my body is doing, being weird? 

Labs

So while on my lunch today, I noticed that I had a missed call (but no voice mail) from Dr Graman. I got a wee bit of butterflies in my stomach, took a deep breath, and dialed. The receptionist took a few moments to locate the nurse (and she was leaving in 20 minutes, I caught her right in time) who would tell me what was going on. I guess I did NOT ovulate in the month of April. Which now means I have to make another appointment after I have my period in order to have this other procedure to make sure my tubes and everything baby related are clear and not blocked or scarred up or anything. And if everything checks out ok with that test, I'm pretty sure I'll be going on Clomid and maybe one other drug to help me ovulate, which Dr Graman is very positive about helping me get pregnant within a few months. Goodness I hope so, and I hope everything goes ok with my other test. Here is some info on Clomid for those interested (Clomid Info)
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that no matter what I was doing or not doing, the 9 months of stress and craziness has a reason. Dr Graman doesn't and can't know about any other months, but I'm sure if I didn't ovulate this month, I probably didn't any other month either. It' so great to know that whatever guilt I may have had, isn't my fault.
I can tell Ken is excited too, he was talking about saving all the money we're getting from Jared living with us into a baby fund, to beef it back up since we have basically nothing saved any more. I love that he's already thinking ahead. Here hoping that everything comes back great at my next appointment!

Ovulation and testing

Well I have my blood test on Wednesday to figure out what's going on with my hormones, and to see if I've ovulated or not this month. And a few days after that, I'm thinking either Friday or Monday, I'll have some answers. I'm really hoping all that this is is PCOS, and not scarring or blockage. I really don't want to have to go through more surgery or something to fix this. I've been thinking lately, that if given the chance to go back and have a do over, I would not have done a D&C. The surgery seems to caused complications for so many women, many of which have lost their fertility completely because of complications from a surgery, and I would have thought about it more. I wish I had had a different doctor after my first miscarriage, that the ER could have referred me to anyone else but Dr Jung. The whole experience was confusing and stressful, and during such a stressful time in my life, I wish they had taken more time with me and explained the risks better, told me options, jut in general spent more time with me regarding the situation. I really wish Dr Graman wasn't retiring, I like him so much already! If he's anything in labor and delivery like he was at my last appointment, I would love to have him as my OB. But unfortunately that wont happen.

I guess having scarring from a D&C is called Asherman's syndrome, and can only be fixed by more surgery. Here is the wiki page about it. Asherman's Syndrome.  
It seems so complicated, and I really hope this is something I don't have to deal with.

After reading more about PCOS, I seem to have a lot of those symptoms (although not all), and it would explain a lot about me physically. I guess common signs are more masculine features, like hair growth (on the face, the feet, and midsection, all of which I have), weight gain especially around the midsection (also have), more acne (had acne since I was in 5th grade, so this makes sense too)... the only thing I don't have is the menstrual irregularity. Since I first got my period, I've always been pretty regular, although since I've been pregnant before it seems to be a little wonky, coming sooner than before pregnancy (4 weeks to the day before versus every 3 weeks give or take). Here is a link to read up more about PCOS too (Polycystic Overy Syndrome)
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what my blood tests say.

I'm becoming more and more convinced I'll never have a baby with every passing day. Starting to eel super gloomy about all this. Ugh.