Irrational

*Anyone reading this, please understand that yes I know I'm being irrational about this post, but I needed to get it out of my head*

I had a thought on the drive home tonight from work. I'm not going to say I prefer a boy or girl anymore when we have a baby. I'll truly be happy with whatever. Not like I'm going to say I'm not going to find out the sex when the time comes (purely to make baby shopping easier for myself and others... but it's a possibility to wait), but I'm not going to say I prefer one over the other anymore. I had the thought that it's almost like maybe my baby died because God was angry with me and knew in my heart I'd be sad if the baby was a girl. Yes I know this is irrational and I'm sure the baby died from something physically wrong, but I couldn't help the thought. And after this whole ordeal, I'll be happy with a girl. Honestly. I'll be happy with a boy. I'll be happy with a baby period. I've been thinking over the weekend also about the possibility that Ken and I will just never have a baby, how will I feel? I honestly think a major piece of my being, self, life, would be missing without a child of some kind in this house. Whether it's a baby that I carried, or foster, or adoption. I can't imagine my life without a child as a part of my family. Not to say that Ken isn't enough, or my cats or him don't make me happy... but I have so much love, how was I made not to have children in my family? My job is not the same. Nieces and nephews are not the same. Friend's children are not the same.

..............

I have my follow up appointment for my D&C on Friday, and I'm sure I'll be getting a bunch of tests and blood draws done. I want to know when the pathology on the tissue and baby will be done. I need answers, I need to know why, so hopefully that why can be fixed. I need to know it wasn't something I did, wasn't something I could have prevented. I need to know why it happened. I should be at 14 weeks 3 days today. I don't think this has become any easier.