Tired

Nope, not this month. The day after I posted, I got a visitor. It really set me in an awful mood, and the disappointment never gets easier. I'm really getting tired of this. There doesn't seem to be any true explanation (at least that I've head 100% or even very likely yet) for a year of infertility. I'm really starting to lose hope about ever having children, my own or through other means. Lord help me.

Holding My Breath

I'm really trying not to hold my breath, but I really don't know what to do. My period is late, from what the fertility tracker said before I took it off my phone (I honestly couldn't remember when my may period was, so I needed to see). The tracker said my last period was on the 29th of May, and to expect the June period on the 23 or 24th.
Well, nothing has happened. I keep gearing up for it, preparing for it, but today (Tuesday) is 2-3 days late. I'm holding my breath because I have been semi late before, and no baby. I'm thinking that if nothing happens by Friday afternoon, I might take a test on my lunch break.
Having this thought in the back of my head is driving me a little crazy, but I'm trying to stay calm about it. My lab results (Dr Gramann wanted to test my progesterone again, to make sure I ovulated) said I did indeed ovulate, so anything is possible.

I guess we will have to see what happens by Friday. Eek.

Tears Walk and an Appointment

It has been a crazy last week. The Tears Walk was on the 16th, and it didn't go quite as I expected. Ken has a bought of food poisoning, so it was just my mom and I. I wish Ken would have been able to go. It was good though. My mom hadn't been before, so once we got to Cheney Stadium, I gave her a run through of how things would go for the day. We both bought extra t shirts, and sat to listen to a little history (it was actually the 10th year since Tears was founded), the founders personal story losing her son at 26 weeks, and the reading of all the names of the babies being walked for. We had a little meltdown moment when we were writing special messages to my lost babies, I think that moment definitely bought us closer. It really made me realize how much my personal loss affects other people. You think it affects you yourself the most, but a loss really affects everyone you can even remotely close to. Just made it really hit home how sad other people are as well as I am.

                                              Myself with the butterfly for my babies.

                                                     People walking the track

 Every butterfly represents a child who is being walked for or a child who has been helped by the Tears Foundation. The butterflies circled the entire stadium.


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So I also had my last appointment with Dr Gramann today, since he is retiring on the 27th. The main things are that he is still very hopeful that I will become pregnant without any medical intervention, and basically it's a waiting game to see if Ken and I  conceive by the end of August. After that we need to look at Ken's side of things, and see an infertility specialist. No pressure right?
He hasn't ruled out polysystic overy syndrome yet, and he wants me to do another small blood test this Saturday (the 23rd) to see if I've ovulated this month. I guess even girls with minor PCOS may only ovulate 3-8 times a year, so one test isn't condusive. He also said that he's not 100% that my right tube is instead blocked. He said that it may have shown it was blocked from a spasm the tube had while being invaded with dye. I guess that's everything that I can remember from the top of the my head, and I guess we will see what happens in the next couple months.

Grief

"Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations. Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives, to recognize what’s really important and put it first. Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted. Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death. Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.
None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad.”
- Roger Bertschausen

The Tears Foundation

It is that time again. The Tears Foundation Rock and Walk is coming up on the 16th. This local charity helps families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss. They help local families with burial costs, tombstones, and moses baskets. If you are interested in donating through my Rock and Walk team, please click the donate button on the side of my blog.

Dream

I had an interesting dream last night, and I wanted to make sure I wrote it down, seem it was kind of weird. I was traveling with family to I think Australia, for some kind of family reunion. We got there, and I was getting the tour of the housing place we were staying by some of the family. One of my super distant cousins was pregnant, and I somehow told her all of my baby issues, how I want a baby but have not gotten that far yet. She told me why didn't I adopt the baby, hers, since she fell pregnant and didn't want it anyway, like it was nothing. I was of course in shock, and asked her more details, including what the gender was, and she said it was a boy. Which made me fall to my knees in tears because that is what I had wanted originally when I was planning on TTC, and here she was giving me exactly what I had wanted. The rest of the dream is a blur after that point.
Maybe I've been watching too much 16 and pregnant or shows like it, but the dream kind of rattled me. I don't know whether to read into it or not.
I'm so pretty sure there will be no baby for the month of May. I wish I had clarification though, I don't know if Dr Graman meant to include this month in the 2-3 month time frame he gave me to conceive or if because of the test he wasn't counting it. I don't know.

Test Results and the Next Step

My test was yesterday, the one where my doctor injects dye into my uterus to see if my tubes are open or blocked. The test itself was pretty quick (about 30 minutes from the time I had to get undressed to the time I was able to clean up and go) but it was also pretty painful. It was mostly a cramping pain, but a very intense type cramp, something I've never experienced before. The good thing is I got results right after the test was done. It seems like my left tube is open, but my right one is blocked. The dye wouldn't go into my right tube at all. Dr Graman says sometimes the test is all it takes to kick start my body into actually getting pregnant, so he wants me to try and see if something happens in 2-3 cycles. If it doesn't, then I need a special kind of surgery to see what's going on with the tube, where the blockage is, all that. And then we look into Ken, and see if there is an issue with him.

I talked to my mom about all this the day of the test (we went out to dinner for Mother's Day early) and apparently my older sister had something similar, she could only get pregnant every other month, but she ended up having 2 healthy boys. I guess this makes sense because ovaries take turns on which one releases the egg, and so it will still show I'm ovulating, but the egg can't go anywhere and neither can the sperm if it's in that blocked tube. Which would make sense that it's been almost a year of trying and no baby. My mom also said that if there was car tissue from my D&C, then it can move into the tubes, which might be what the blockage is.

I had a talk with Ken after I got home, about our options what he wanted, what he thought, how far he wanted to go with the trying to have a baby. He actually surprised me, and we had a very good talk. He wants a baby just as desperately as I do, which is something I hadn't thought he really wanted sometimes. He talked to him mom recently and she said there are middle class adoptions, so it doesn't cost thousands of dollars. I guess if we can find something, it's a good choice. He doesn't seem to want to go down the IVF route either. Mainly because he says it's really expensive, and it's not guaranteed we'd get pregnant. I told him I wanted to keep going for the 2-3 cycles, but after that I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, and he got kind of upset. He wants a baby badly, and he doesn't want to stop trying. I told him that I just wanted to see what would happen, and if nothing works, then we can see where we are emotionally and financially, and then make the next decision. He also said he's totally fine with going through whatever testing he would need to, which makes me feel better, I wasn't sure how he would feel about it.

So I guess now it's just do what we've been doing. I have taken off the fertility tracker on my phone though, I think using it was just too much pressure. I'm trying to give myself some peace and not freak out that next month would be a year since we've started trying again. I think it helps that Dr Graman said to try for another 2-3 months. I guess we will see.

Day Before

I am having my procedure/trst/xray done tomorrow, and I'd have to lie if I said I wasn't scared. I am. I'm scared of the test itself, I'm scared of what I might have to do (have I mentioned they might have to give me an enema? Sorry if that was TMI, but UGH no thank you!), if I will be sore or able to preform my job afterward. I'm really scared of what this test might mean for my baby future, for the future of Ken and I and all that. I have to check in at St Elizabeth in Enumclaw at 1045. So nervous. I trust Dr Graman though, he's the one doing the procedure, definitely trudt him more than I ever did Dr Bahgdadi or Dr Jung.
Please let this test go well, with minimal invasiveness and stress, minimal moments of being uncomfortable, and good results. Please Please Please!!!!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Apparently today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I got an invite from a friend of mine (unfortunately another baby loss mama) to the group on facebook, and I guess people are trying to have everyone celebrate and recognize those who has suffered from pregnancy/infant loss as their mother's day. I remember Mother's Day last year, how unhappy it was for me, right after the loss of my second pregnancy and my D&C. I'm hoping this year will be better, but you never know. I'm trying to recognize this day as a day to myself, and remember that I am indeed a mom.... but not going to lie, that is something I've always struggled with. I don't feel like a mom. At all.
I feel like a person who has lost a part of themselves, lost a piece of their heart, like a failure, like an idiot. Anything else but a mom. I know that's not how I should feel and that I have every right to be called a mom, and have that title, but honestly I've never felt it. Maybe kind of when I was pregnant but even then it was all so early, it was hard to really call myself a mom.
This is such a roller coaster, one day I think I would be just fine having a family of 2, to not have children, and today I feel like I would give my right arm for a baby. This craziness needs to end.

Unsure

I've been thinking lately. I've been trying to make an appointment for that dye test the last 2 days, and for several reasons I have been unable to. I should get one scheduled tomorrow though. So anyway, I've been thinking....
I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I had to stop myself today and wonder when I'll say enough is enough. What if this test doesn't go well, and what I need is surgery? What if I get the surgery and baby making still doesn't happen? Will I do IVF? Adoption? Foster? How badly do I really want children, how far will I go? I don't know how much more I can do this, take this toll on my emotional and mental health, how much more I can take on my marriage. I know Ken is apprehensive about spending a bunch of money on tests and treatments, just to get pregnant, and that's not even taking into account the financial aspect of once the baby is here (and that's if I can keep it, who says I won't have another miscarriage if I do get pregnant, then it that took a procedure that's like money wasted). I guess I'm trying to be a little bit of a realist here, and I haven't come up with a clear answer. I don't know when my stopping point is, but I think it's soon. I'm happy enough with my life as it is, I don't need to have children in order to be happy or survive. I would get over infertility. I just don't see myself going through years of procedures and complications and hopes and dreams and disappointments in order to have a baby. I guess a lot rides on this upcoming test, and depending what's going on, I guess that will depend my future. All I know is this roller coaster ride of trying to have a baby, and failing twice, and then trying to get pregnant for 9 months is getting old. Fast. I think it might be time to get off the ride.