Something New

So I've starting something new with this pregnancy, and it is working so amazingly. Whenever I'm having a freak out moment (there have been lots in the last few weeks), I have been telling myself "it will be ok. Everything is fine. I will be ok." A deep breath and then I'm usually ok. I've also started a quick prayer every night (or every night I remember, which is most nights), before I go to bed. I just thank God for this little miracle, and to keep my baby safe, healthy, and growing, and I ask for peace and health for myself. That's it.

This is making me feel so good!! And it's helping so much with my fears and worries. I know I know, I should have started this long ago, but better late than never!

A little boy of about 5 at work this week, while I was giving a break, was being violent and smacked me right in my tummy. I had a freak out moment(s!!), completed the break, and decided to give myself a minute to collect myself. I took a potty break, and while in the potty I sent up a quick prayer for safety, peace, and well being for the baby. I felt myself calming down within moments, and was able to finish the work day with minimal stress. It also really helps that I have a co-worker who knows about the pregnancy, so I can keep her in the loop , and she has been quite helpful in keeping me calm as well.

Almost 7 weeks, and my nausea has become more frequent and stronger. I'm glad though, morning sickness is a good sign!  Everything seems to be going well, and I'm quite happy.

Well

It's been 2 weeks, and everything is still great. I'll be 6 weeks on Tuesday the 25th, which is exciting. 2 more weeks until my first appointment. I've already had some pregnancy symptoms, which is exciting in and of itself. I've never really had them too much with my previous pregnancies, and especially not this early. I've been having breast tenderness and mild nausea, and I swear I have to pee every 5 minutes already. My pants are already becoming tight too, I get uncomfortable easily in my jeans after only a few hours. Thankfully a friend of mine from work knows (I figure if something bad happens at work, I have someone who knows and can give support, I'm not telling work until after 13 weeks either), and she has been a great help with all the weird things that are happening so far.

I was worried for a few days, since I had about 2 days of mild, uncomfortable cramping, but she reassured me it was probably implantation cramping. She has really been helping me keep calm about everything. I still have momentary fear every time I go potty, that I will find blood, but those feelings have lessened this week. Still staying positive, I still have a great feeling about this baby. \

Ken and I took a mini vacation to Portland for our 5th wedding anniversary, (we actually just got back today), and we got a chance to talk, really talk about his feelings. I've felt before that the whole trying for a baby really affected him as much as it has for me. So I asked him how he felt about the positive pregnancy test, and he told me that he is over the moon excited, he can't wait. He has a good feeling too, and is ready for whatever it takes to support me and the baby. Definitely makes me feel better about all this.

Hope

Well it is official. I took a test on Wednesday night after I came home, and a pale pink second line showed up!!

I'm Pregnant!!!!!

Right now I'm around 4 weeks, and I have have already made my first OB appointment. My new doctor is Dr Dickson (I'm pretty sure I went to school with one of her daughters), and the appointment is on the 8th, when I'll be 8 weeks. I told Dr Dickson's nurse that I have had 2 previous miscarriages, and she said if I want, I can come in and do a blood test to monitor my levels but I don't think I want that. She also said that if I see any bleeding at all, don't hesitate to call her.

That said, if you are reading this and I haven't already told you in person/call, I apologize. My previous losses are making me nervous, and I don't want to have to tell everyone again if I do miscarry. Make it easier on myself and Ken.

That also being said, if you are reading this, please do not tell anyone else. I want to wait until the heartbeat appointment until I tell the free world. I'm trying to be optimistic but I am still nervous about this whole thing. Obviously so.

Please continue positive thoughts and prayers for me, and I will continue updates as they come I guess. Thanks everyone!

Maybe??

I may be getting too excited, but according to my calendar tracking, my period comes every 3 weeks, so it should start this week. Well I looked at it and this week, starting last Sunday, the 2nd, to I'm assuming tomorrow, saturday-ish. I'm trying not to hold my breath, but I haven't gotten it yet. Maybe my calculations of when to expect it are wrong, I don't know. I will not be surprised if I get it. I'm also going to wait until the mid to end of next week, the week of the 14th, before I test.
I've told Ken already that I'm sort of late, and he told me not to get too excited either. I know I know, don't have high expectations. I'm honestly trying not to. He is excited about the possibility though. Gave me a high five, ha!

I guess we will see what happens in the next week. I really hope I don't have to write a retraction post. 

Small Update

A dear friend of mine is undergoing the process to become a foster parent, and through work, I know someone who is trying the foster to adopt option through DSHS. My dear friend has agreed to go with me to an orientation, to find out more about the process and what exactly it would be like. I don't want to do the fostering (I think I'm too emotional of a person to have a child and then have to say goodbye, over and over) but the fostering to adopt (and they have an option that is just straight adopting through DSHS) is of interest to me. I want to find out more about the program and what it would take, see if it is the right avenue for Ken and I.

We still have not been to the Gyft Clinic, mainly because of other medial bills that have accrued from testings I've had done during our year of trying. We want to have those taken care of before having the possibility of more. I also don't want to ask for too much time off for appointments this close to the holidays, I would rather save my paid days for other things in the next 6 months.

To be honest, baby making is really on the back burner. It is not all consuming for me, as it once was.If it were to happen naturally right now, I'd be over the moon, but I'm not actively seeking whatever it takes, and neither is Ken. We are enjoying each other, enjoying life right now. Some days are better than others though.
I've noticed on a whole though, that I don't become as angry or upset about my friends and their pregnancies, or new births. I can honestly say I'm 95% happy for them. I don't think I'll ever not have those moments of jealousy or hurt. Things are better. I am leaning not on my own understanding, and I've been praying more in my moments of weakness and anger. Also in moments where I normally wouldn't, not just when I'm upset. I like it.

A recent visit with my mom gave me another avenue of relatively easy exploration though. She told me of a herbal supplement that everyone she knows who has had trouble conceiving and took this, became pregnant within 3 months, including my oldest sister. It's called Black Cohosh, and I guess it helps regulate female hormones. Can't hurt to try right? I'm doing a little more research into it before I purchase it, but I may start it in the next week or so, see what happens.

I'm trying to be ok, I really am. It's getting better.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I can't believe I let this day pass me by without any remembrance almost at all. Has it really been that long? Today is special for 2 reasons. One, it is my due date for my second pregnancy, my missed miscarriage. It has been 2 years since this day was all I could think of. And I didn't even remember until a blog friend posted. I'm really surprised that I forgot this. It seemed all I could focus on a year ago, 2 years ago, that to forget this momentus day is weird for me. I feel guilty that I forgot. Will I remember this day at all, for either meaning, next year? I'm sorry little Baby Dudley, for not remembering your supposed to be birthday. Happy supposed to be birthday little one. I still miss you every day. I still love you ever so fiercely. Daddy does too, although I don't think he remembered today. This day is more for us anyway. Please give Auntie Jennica a kiss for me, and an extra special hug. 
This day is also special because it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. People around the country and world light candles as a remembrance at 7 pm, to honor those who have lost and those who have been lost. Well I obviously missed that time, so I'll light a candle now, for the small amount of time I can.

I swear this has not become any easier. It's been 2 years since my loss, and I still tear up. I still haven't taken my "grieving" bracelet off. I still don't think I'm ready.
Why do my words never convey what I want them to? I can't make the words form right to say what I truly feel and my thoughts on this subject. Maybe it is still too new. All I know is that I want to be happy. A simple thing really. Happy.

Occupied

It seems that lately, the last 2 to 3 weeks, any time I have a moment to sit and think (mostly on the car ride home from work), my mind immediately goes to reliving moments. Moments of the past 2 years, joyful and difficult. The doctor appointment where they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Waking up in recovery from my D&C. Starting this blog, and trying to keep everyone in the loop through it. Telling Ken he would be a daddy, and the whole process of telling our friends and family. I don't know if I'm truly depressed (which only came to light recently that it was even a good possibility, postpartum depression from hormones can develop after even  miscarriage, didn't know that until recently) but I can't help it when my mind drifts to these memories and times. I've been crying more lately, and it is definitely not something I can control. Ken and I are waiting to pay off more medical bills that have accrued from previous tests and appointments before we try to even make an appointment at the Gyft Clinic. At this point, I just feel defeated.

An Update

Well, there is news. A year without conceiving, I have to make an appointment with the Gyft Clinic. I haven't yet, for the sheer reason that I can't take any more time from work, until next month. I just want to see what the options are, what kind of testing they think we might need, a general overview type of appointment first. Then it will be a decision of where we are financially, and emotionally before we go forward with anything. So I guess we will have to see what happens. We are looking at all the options, and nothing is completely ruled out. I had a min breakdown though, and cried for like 2 days straight when I got my period in August. That moment when I knew it wasn't going to happen, and it had been 14 months with nothing, no hope, it was too much.
My mom got married last weekend, and her sister (Barbara) is married to a full blood Tongan, like from the island is where he came from. We got to a point in conversation where one of my brothers was talking about retiring at 45 in Tonga, and my sister in law said that her one stipulation was to have kids, which then my aunt said they can adopt a Tongan baby. Apparently it's pretty simple. My aunt said that you should visit for a month, find an unwed mother, and if all the paperwork checks out, it's that easy. I would only consider it as an option because my cousins and obviously my aunt are all fully into their heritage and culture, so assimilating a different culture into my own family wouldn't be difficult. If I have the paperwork lined up before we go, I figure the month and staying with the baby for the first 6 weeks plus totally fits within the family leave law. It is obviously something I want to research more, and understand fully what I need to do for this to happen, but I think it would be a better option than trying to pay $15 to 20 grand here in the states, and that's not even guaranteed.
I guess everything is so up in the air, but I'm definitely more optimistic about the future and what it means for the dream of having children.

I also had a dream last night, that I was pregnant, but in the very early stages, first trimester for sure. I was nervous for sure, but after going to the potty, I noticed a spot of blood and freaked out, then woke up. Weird.

Negative

With every passing day, I'm becoming more and more convinced that I will be unable to conceive naturally. The possibility of me becoming pregnant this month seem so small, so "not going to happen". Why of all months of trying, almost 14 months of actively trying, should this month be any different? Can something just go right for once? Just a little encouragement, something positive in regards to having a baby, please?
Is God punishing me? I feel like it sometimes. This is something that has to happen because I'm an awful person and I get jealous when ever other known woman is having a baby, and has not had any issues either conceiving or carrying to term. It becomes so overwhelming, so difficult emotionally.

I definitely will never take my ability to have a baby for granted again. If I ever do have a child of my own, my fertility is not something I will ever take for granted. It is such a special gift,

Too Late?

No baby in July either. This is the last month we have before I have to make that dreaded appointment at the infertility clinic. I'm so nervous about this. I can't imagine having to make that call, see an infertility specialist, walk into that clinic. I can't help but wonder if this is some form of punishment. Am I such an awful person that this is what I get? Why do I have to go through this? Why does it seem like every other person I know is having babies, multiple pregnancies , all healthy and perfect. Why do I have this desire in my heart for children if it will never be fulfilled? I've been reading what i can about adoptions online, and it's not promising. Everything I've read says that they cost $15,000- $20,000, unless I do foster to adopt, but even from other states, there do not seem to be any young children in foster care, 95% of what I've seen are children 12 and above. And if we are willing to do an older child, there are so many steps involved, it would be a year or more until we even had a possibility of receiving a foster child. I feel so lost right now.