A Thank You, A Prayer, And An Update

This week has been... easier. I have been receiving a lot of support lately from an awesome person, my dear friend Kacey. She has been very encouraging the last few weeks, and it's so great to know that someone is there, without me asking, to just encourage me in my struggles. I want to say thank you Kacey, you're an awesome friend, and thank you for sticking with me through this difficult time.
I know that other people (mainly my mom, Ken, and others) have helped me when there was no one else, and I thank you all for that too. I just wanted to give a special shout out to someone great.
She sent me this message today with a video, and I really like it (both the message and the video) so I decided to share both.
(from Kacey)
Hey I was listening to this song tonight while I was driving to school and I don't know why but it made me think of you. Its a really uplifting and powerful song. Actually brought me to tears today when i was having a rough day. Just wanted to remind you to keep your focus on Jesus and keep praying! God has great plans for you Roxanne. He has a purpose and a time for everything. Love you bunches! Hope this song is encouraging, if not its still a great listen!

***************
So something amazing happened the other night:
I had kind of a mini breakdown. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep after a super stressful day, and I was feeling really down about every aspect of my life. My home, missing Ken, my work, my trying to conceive, everything. I ended up sobbing, could not stop my tears, and I did something I normally  probably would not do, but I prayed fervently to God, to help me, to bring peace to my mind and body,  to be with me in this time of distress. And I've never experienced this before, but maybe 2 minutes after praying, crying out to God with my hurt and tears and exhaustion, I stopped crying. I felt at peace. I felt like everything would be ok. It was kind of amazing. May not be much to others, but I had to share.

****************
I have an appointment with Dr Graman to talk and discuss maybe some testing on the 4th of April. I want him to test my thyroid and my testosterone levels, to make sure everything hormonal is ok. I need some answers as to why it's been 8 months and why I'm being driven crazy. I'm really hoping that I get some answers.

Not this month

No baby this month. I'm a day early. Stinks too, because this was the last month to probably have a baby in 2012. :(

****

On the drive home today, feeling frustrated and lonely again, I got to thinking. Why do I want children?
Is it because that's what you're "meant" to do? Is it because I enjoy children and therefore want them around me all the time? Something else? Something i can't even put into words?

I guess I came to a realization tonight while driving home. Would I be happy without children? Without going into details, yes. My family is complete with just Ken and I. He is enough for me. It will not be the worst thing that would or could happen if I can't have children. A hard thing to swallow yes but I don't think it would break me.
Do I want children? Without a doubt. I want children to enrich an already happy life, I want children for the every day, small little joys that children can give you. I want to see a mini Ken toddling around, with his sparkling blue eyes, his wit, my horrible Olive nose, his dark handsome hair, my compassion.... I want to create something that is wholly Ken and I, with my partner in life, the love of my life.  Will the opportunity for such a thin to happen, ever happen? I guess time will tell. This grief and doubt and stress will not overtake me.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Really trying to keep this in mind.

Lost And All Alone

I wrestled with writing this for about an hour or so, whether or not I really wanted to put this out there. I feel so lost right now, and so alone. This weekend pretty much sucked, Ken and I were fighting off and on, we didn't really do anything of significance, so boredom was abundant, and I've kind of lost hope that I'm pregnant or ever will get pregnant again. I've lost hope that if it's even possible, if we can support a child financially. And if we can't have children, then that's seems to be it, we are in no financially position to undergo IVF or adoption or anything else. Everything seems so hopeless right now, like my biggest wish and dream will never come true. I think I may be a little depressed, but it's not like I can fix it, because any pill that I can is unsafe, because what would happen if right as I start to take a pill to make me happy, that's when I get pregnant. There are too many unknowns in this journey I'm on, and being the planner I am, it makes it so difficult to feel safe, hopeful, even the slightest bit optimistic.

I want to cry, scream, stamp my feet over the unfairness of all this. I want to curse and fall to my knees and ask God why, I want to forget, I want to understand, I want to not care as much as I do about this.

So I've been meaning to write for a while, but things have gotten in the way, so there is a lot to talk about.

-Tuesday at work, I was laying my kiddos down for nap, and I try to keep one child in particular (he's just over a year old, also one of those kids I super connect with, and I love a lot!) up longer than everyone else, so he sleeps as long as everyone else. He was sitting in my lap with his blanket, and was helping me pat the other child's back. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on his bed, he shook his head no. I asked if he wanted to lay down on me, and he immediately put his head on my shoulder, and just snuggled in. I was kissing his forehead and relishing the moment, and then I had the overwhelming urge to cry, and only kept it together because a coworker came in for the dishes. I got the feeling of sadness just wash over me, because I want moments like that with my own child, and while loving on the kids in my class is good enough most days, it was really hard.

-I have still been feeling nauseated all this week, at random times, but especially around food. No food aversions, but I seem to feel sick after I start eating something that I normally eat just fine. My thoughts on this fact switch I swear every 5 seconds. One second I am convinced I'm pregnant, and the next I'm convinced I'm not. I'm trying to lean more towards not, just so my letdown isn't as bad if I am not indeed. I have another week until my period is due, or thereabouts, so I guess we'll see.

Confused is the word

Maybe all this stuff is stress related, but my mucus is still all wonky and I don't know what's going on. The certainty of my phone telling me what's going on with possibility of pregnancy is not there (like 2 stars out of 5) and maybe the weird thing is me. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what my body is showing. I have no clue. I almost feel like giving up. Some days I feel like time is running out, (of that year time period of actively trying before the talk is infertility) and other days I feel like 4-5 months is a long time to try. Heck, even moment to moment my mind changes about how I feel. It seems that, as of today and my feelings right this moment, I wan to give up the tracking, the stress, the phone app, all of it, and leave it to the powers that be, to God, to the universe.

Although as I say that, I can't. I can't really and truly. I'll always wonder, in the back of mind, what if I did track this time, and it worked? UGH. I think I need to try it at least, so as not to drive Ken and myself both crazy, if it hasn't all ready.

I had a long day yesterday, so I ended up laying down for bed early. I was reading for a bout an hour, ate some candy, and was about to turn off the light to sleep, but I started feeling really nauseated. It was bad enough I went to the bathroom and had my head in the toilet, but nothing. It subsided after about 15 minutes, so I really don't know. I guess wait and see.

No Baby In Feb

Well, no baby for February. I got my period yesterday, right on time, not even close to being late. Bleh.

Troubled

My friend Amy posted a comment on my previous post, and after replying, I've been re-reading some of my entries. I was looking to see if I had posted a song/video that really touched my heart (although it's on my iPod, I have to skip it a lot because it makes me cry nearly every time.) and even after 10 minutes of reading, and listening to another song I posted back in July, I can't stop crying. I guess I feel a little bit hopeless right now, that my dream of being a mommy will never come true. My heart feels so heavy today.

Anyway, here is a video of the song that I like, although it makes me cry. The video has lyrics. Very pretty, can be inspiring, but lately it makes me cry. My eyes really hurt now, with all this crying I've been doing today.

Confused

I really do think I need to make an appointment now. I've been tracking my mucus (sorry if this is TMI) to better predict ovulation (Ugh I honestly never even though I'd have to do this, but that's another post). And it seems that the indications that I'd be ovulating are all over the place. I've been reading up on it, and I've been experiencing what all the websites said should happen, but this month has been weird, I've gotten 2-3 days of days where what I'm interpreting would mean I'm ovulating or already did. And I'm so confused because they have been a week apart. So I don't know what to expect. My phone says to expect my Feb period by the 10th, but in case it doesn't show up then, I'm going to be a little skeptical, and give it another week to show up before I test. Just to make sure.

A coworker of mine told me a few days ago, that since she's discovered she can't have kids (we've talked about our own personal fertility issues before) that she's going to adopt. While I admire her courage, I hope she waits a little longer before starting the adoption process, to give herself time to grief her loss of fertility. That's kind of a big issue as a woman, to not be fertile. My heart grieves for her as well, because I cannot imagine the feelings she must have, after being told she will never have biological children. I hope and pray that I will never hear that news.

I am trying to be optimistic this month, keeping in mind we came close (sort of) last month, and that just because I haven't been pregnant the last 6 months, doesn't mean it still won't happen ever. I'm really trying, my optimism comes and goes. I guess I'll update again after the 10th.

New Mantra

I'm trying to have a new mantra about this TTC crap and all the weird things I've been feeling lately.

This Will Be Worth It

Trying to keep this in the back of my head all the time. Because having a baby, when it does happen, will be worth it. It will be worth all this pain, struggle, frustration, anger, jealously, depression, sadness, and craziness that this process and journey has been and become. This will be worth it. This WILL be worth it.

My mom is creating a baby blanket for a friend (not sure if I've mentioned this before, can't remember) who is due this month. My mom also decided to make me a baby blanket, slowly, since it's not like she has a timeline or due date to be done by, just because. My mom has a knack for guessing the genders of babies, and has only been wrong once in all her years of guessing. My mom is making a pink baby blanket, she believes whenever I get pregnant again it will be a girl. Well I guess time will only tell. This makes me want to know the genders of my lost babies, I think that would help my grief and process. I wish I knew.

Fake Out

Well, Ken and I did a little happy dance yesterday. I was expecting my period, and if it's coming, it's usually made an appearance by the afternoon. He met me for lunch and by 2 pm there was nothing yet. We tried to contain our excitement, and I said I would wait until today to test, just to make sure. We were so excited, and making mini plans, and also a little nervous (more so me than Ken). So I took a test this morning, and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. A day late and still negative. This is the closest we've been I guess, to having any kind of late periods in the last 6 months since we've been trying, and it was a major letdown this morning to tell Ken my last pregnancy test I had in the house said negative. He's sad yes, but not overly sad, and I'm just disappointed. Severely disappointed. A fake out is so much worse than expecting my period and getting it. UGH.