Small Update

A dear friend of mine is undergoing the process to become a foster parent, and through work, I know someone who is trying the foster to adopt option through DSHS. My dear friend has agreed to go with me to an orientation, to find out more about the process and what exactly it would be like. I don't want to do the fostering (I think I'm too emotional of a person to have a child and then have to say goodbye, over and over) but the fostering to adopt (and they have an option that is just straight adopting through DSHS) is of interest to me. I want to find out more about the program and what it would take, see if it is the right avenue for Ken and I.

We still have not been to the Gyft Clinic, mainly because of other medial bills that have accrued from testings I've had done during our year of trying. We want to have those taken care of before having the possibility of more. I also don't want to ask for too much time off for appointments this close to the holidays, I would rather save my paid days for other things in the next 6 months.

To be honest, baby making is really on the back burner. It is not all consuming for me, as it once was.If it were to happen naturally right now, I'd be over the moon, but I'm not actively seeking whatever it takes, and neither is Ken. We are enjoying each other, enjoying life right now. Some days are better than others though.
I've noticed on a whole though, that I don't become as angry or upset about my friends and their pregnancies, or new births. I can honestly say I'm 95% happy for them. I don't think I'll ever not have those moments of jealousy or hurt. Things are better. I am leaning not on my own understanding, and I've been praying more in my moments of weakness and anger. Also in moments where I normally wouldn't, not just when I'm upset. I like it.

A recent visit with my mom gave me another avenue of relatively easy exploration though. She told me of a herbal supplement that everyone she knows who has had trouble conceiving and took this, became pregnant within 3 months, including my oldest sister. It's called Black Cohosh, and I guess it helps regulate female hormones. Can't hurt to try right? I'm doing a little more research into it before I purchase it, but I may start it in the next week or so, see what happens.

I'm trying to be ok, I really am. It's getting better.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I can't believe I let this day pass me by without any remembrance almost at all. Has it really been that long? Today is special for 2 reasons. One, it is my due date for my second pregnancy, my missed miscarriage. It has been 2 years since this day was all I could think of. And I didn't even remember until a blog friend posted. I'm really surprised that I forgot this. It seemed all I could focus on a year ago, 2 years ago, that to forget this momentus day is weird for me. I feel guilty that I forgot. Will I remember this day at all, for either meaning, next year? I'm sorry little Baby Dudley, for not remembering your supposed to be birthday. Happy supposed to be birthday little one. I still miss you every day. I still love you ever so fiercely. Daddy does too, although I don't think he remembered today. This day is more for us anyway. Please give Auntie Jennica a kiss for me, and an extra special hug. 
This day is also special because it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. People around the country and world light candles as a remembrance at 7 pm, to honor those who have lost and those who have been lost. Well I obviously missed that time, so I'll light a candle now, for the small amount of time I can.

I swear this has not become any easier. It's been 2 years since my loss, and I still tear up. I still haven't taken my "grieving" bracelet off. I still don't think I'm ready.
Why do my words never convey what I want them to? I can't make the words form right to say what I truly feel and my thoughts on this subject. Maybe it is still too new. All I know is that I want to be happy. A simple thing really. Happy.

Occupied

It seems that lately, the last 2 to 3 weeks, any time I have a moment to sit and think (mostly on the car ride home from work), my mind immediately goes to reliving moments. Moments of the past 2 years, joyful and difficult. The doctor appointment where they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Waking up in recovery from my D&C. Starting this blog, and trying to keep everyone in the loop through it. Telling Ken he would be a daddy, and the whole process of telling our friends and family. I don't know if I'm truly depressed (which only came to light recently that it was even a good possibility, postpartum depression from hormones can develop after even  miscarriage, didn't know that until recently) but I can't help it when my mind drifts to these memories and times. I've been crying more lately, and it is definitely not something I can control. Ken and I are waiting to pay off more medical bills that have accrued from previous tests and appointments before we try to even make an appointment at the Gyft Clinic. At this point, I just feel defeated.

An Update

Well, there is news. A year without conceiving, I have to make an appointment with the Gyft Clinic. I haven't yet, for the sheer reason that I can't take any more time from work, until next month. I just want to see what the options are, what kind of testing they think we might need, a general overview type of appointment first. Then it will be a decision of where we are financially, and emotionally before we go forward with anything. So I guess we will have to see what happens. We are looking at all the options, and nothing is completely ruled out. I had a min breakdown though, and cried for like 2 days straight when I got my period in August. That moment when I knew it wasn't going to happen, and it had been 14 months with nothing, no hope, it was too much.
My mom got married last weekend, and her sister (Barbara) is married to a full blood Tongan, like from the island is where he came from. We got to a point in conversation where one of my brothers was talking about retiring at 45 in Tonga, and my sister in law said that her one stipulation was to have kids, which then my aunt said they can adopt a Tongan baby. Apparently it's pretty simple. My aunt said that you should visit for a month, find an unwed mother, and if all the paperwork checks out, it's that easy. I would only consider it as an option because my cousins and obviously my aunt are all fully into their heritage and culture, so assimilating a different culture into my own family wouldn't be difficult. If I have the paperwork lined up before we go, I figure the month and staying with the baby for the first 6 weeks plus totally fits within the family leave law. It is obviously something I want to research more, and understand fully what I need to do for this to happen, but I think it would be a better option than trying to pay $15 to 20 grand here in the states, and that's not even guaranteed.
I guess everything is so up in the air, but I'm definitely more optimistic about the future and what it means for the dream of having children.

I also had a dream last night, that I was pregnant, but in the very early stages, first trimester for sure. I was nervous for sure, but after going to the potty, I noticed a spot of blood and freaked out, then woke up. Weird.

Negative

With every passing day, I'm becoming more and more convinced that I will be unable to conceive naturally. The possibility of me becoming pregnant this month seem so small, so "not going to happen". Why of all months of trying, almost 14 months of actively trying, should this month be any different? Can something just go right for once? Just a little encouragement, something positive in regards to having a baby, please?
Is God punishing me? I feel like it sometimes. This is something that has to happen because I'm an awful person and I get jealous when ever other known woman is having a baby, and has not had any issues either conceiving or carrying to term. It becomes so overwhelming, so difficult emotionally.

I definitely will never take my ability to have a baby for granted again. If I ever do have a child of my own, my fertility is not something I will ever take for granted. It is such a special gift,

Too Late?

No baby in July either. This is the last month we have before I have to make that dreaded appointment at the infertility clinic. I'm so nervous about this. I can't imagine having to make that call, see an infertility specialist, walk into that clinic. I can't help but wonder if this is some form of punishment. Am I such an awful person that this is what I get? Why do I have to go through this? Why does it seem like every other person I know is having babies, multiple pregnancies , all healthy and perfect. Why do I have this desire in my heart for children if it will never be fulfilled? I've been reading what i can about adoptions online, and it's not promising. Everything I've read says that they cost $15,000- $20,000, unless I do foster to adopt, but even from other states, there do not seem to be any young children in foster care, 95% of what I've seen are children 12 and above. And if we are willing to do an older child, there are so many steps involved, it would be a year or more until we even had a possibility of receiving a foster child. I feel so lost right now.

Enough

I recently had a conversation with an old and dear friend of mine, and he has been pretty out of the loop for a while. I had to fill him in on my baby issues, and he gave me an interesting thought. He told me to stop stressing (which I am, significantly) and that when it's supposed to happen, it will. He also told me this: that I'm already a mom. I'm a mom to my friends by caring so much about them and their well being, I'm a mom to Andy and Jared right now (my roommates) by helping them when they needed it. I'm a mom to him, by helping him and supporting him in his life.
I was kind of struck by it, because it's true. I totally understand what he meant. For me right now, I feel more like a mom like it is now than I did while I was pregnant. I thought this was food for thought, and I wanted to make sure I got it out there.

Tired

Nope, not this month. The day after I posted, I got a visitor. It really set me in an awful mood, and the disappointment never gets easier. I'm really getting tired of this. There doesn't seem to be any true explanation (at least that I've head 100% or even very likely yet) for a year of infertility. I'm really starting to lose hope about ever having children, my own or through other means. Lord help me.

Holding My Breath

I'm really trying not to hold my breath, but I really don't know what to do. My period is late, from what the fertility tracker said before I took it off my phone (I honestly couldn't remember when my may period was, so I needed to see). The tracker said my last period was on the 29th of May, and to expect the June period on the 23 or 24th.
Well, nothing has happened. I keep gearing up for it, preparing for it, but today (Tuesday) is 2-3 days late. I'm holding my breath because I have been semi late before, and no baby. I'm thinking that if nothing happens by Friday afternoon, I might take a test on my lunch break.
Having this thought in the back of my head is driving me a little crazy, but I'm trying to stay calm about it. My lab results (Dr Gramann wanted to test my progesterone again, to make sure I ovulated) said I did indeed ovulate, so anything is possible.

I guess we will have to see what happens by Friday. Eek.

Tears Walk and an Appointment

It has been a crazy last week. The Tears Walk was on the 16th, and it didn't go quite as I expected. Ken has a bought of food poisoning, so it was just my mom and I. I wish Ken would have been able to go. It was good though. My mom hadn't been before, so once we got to Cheney Stadium, I gave her a run through of how things would go for the day. We both bought extra t shirts, and sat to listen to a little history (it was actually the 10th year since Tears was founded), the founders personal story losing her son at 26 weeks, and the reading of all the names of the babies being walked for. We had a little meltdown moment when we were writing special messages to my lost babies, I think that moment definitely bought us closer. It really made me realize how much my personal loss affects other people. You think it affects you yourself the most, but a loss really affects everyone you can even remotely close to. Just made it really hit home how sad other people are as well as I am.

                                              Myself with the butterfly for my babies.

                                                     People walking the track

 Every butterfly represents a child who is being walked for or a child who has been helped by the Tears Foundation. The butterflies circled the entire stadium.


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So I also had my last appointment with Dr Gramann today, since he is retiring on the 27th. The main things are that he is still very hopeful that I will become pregnant without any medical intervention, and basically it's a waiting game to see if Ken and I  conceive by the end of August. After that we need to look at Ken's side of things, and see an infertility specialist. No pressure right?
He hasn't ruled out polysystic overy syndrome yet, and he wants me to do another small blood test this Saturday (the 23rd) to see if I've ovulated this month. I guess even girls with minor PCOS may only ovulate 3-8 times a year, so one test isn't condusive. He also said that he's not 100% that my right tube is instead blocked. He said that it may have shown it was blocked from a spasm the tube had while being invaded with dye. I guess that's everything that I can remember from the top of the my head, and I guess we will see what happens in the next couple months.