Perfect

I was driving to work today and right before getting on the highway, I received a couple of texts in response to ones I had sent the previous day. After reading and responding again, I was thinking about my miscarriages and my disappointment and anger and everything I've been feeling up until now. And I have another emotion to add to the list, it came up suddenly as I was thinking. Guilt. Not guilt in a way that I feel guilt that my miscarriages happened because I did or did not do something (which is there too, but not nearly as much anymore)... but guilt in the way that I'm disappointing people. I know so many of my family, friends, co-workers, want me to have a baby, are excited for me to, say all the time what I wonderful mom I will be, and I feel like I'm disappointing them by having these struggles with carrying. I never imagined having a baby would be something I'd struggle with, I always thought it would be perfect. I know it's impossible to have anything be perfect, or be a perfect person, but I honestly never thought I'd have a problem. And now that I do I almost feel bad for everyone, knowing they feel bad for me and wish me the best, and I can't give them what they expect of me. It's such a weird feeling, but it's one I can't shake.
..............
I want this to be over. I want to "get over it". I want to stop the random crying, the always thinking about it, the getting angry at people for things that are not their fault regarding children or pregnancy, the no one understanding. I want the fear to go, I want the intimacy back in my relationship with Ken (not just sex), I want to let go of all my bad feelings and hardened feelings, the shield I've built up around myself to be taken down, I want to be genuinely happy again. I want the guard on my heart to soften, the mask of happiness on my face to melt, and be true, not a facade. I want to wake up and have all this be a dream.
I am so grateful for my husband though. Ken is my rock, the force that keeps me grounded, my best friend, the only one I want to see or hear at the end of a long day. I miss him during the 8 hours we're apart for work, and seeings his pictures when he's not here makes me smile and my heart sing. I don't know what I'd do without him in this time of stress, fear, and unhappiness.