Perspectives

It's interesting how your whole perspective shifts during grief. Ken put an old tv in the bedroom, so we can watch movies at night before bed. Friday night I ended up watching "Sleepless in Seattle", a classic feel good movie for me growing up.
Until it came to the part where Sam (Tom Hanks) is on the phone with Dr Marsha Fieldstone, and she asks how he's coping a year and a half after his wife died, and what he's going to do.
From the movie: "Well I'm going to get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long. And after a while I wont have to remind my self to get out of bed and breathe in and out... and after a while I wont have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a little while."

This really struck me. I've seen the movie a million times, and as sad as that part is, I never truly understood it until a couple of days ago. All I could think was "Hm... wow, I actually really understand that". It didn't really make me sad, it just struck me hard in the pit of my stomach, how deeply I understand how he must have been feeling. How sometimes I do have to remind myself to breathe in and out.

So my second movie perspective came from "Steel Magnolias", another movie I've watched countless times growing up and love. I couldn't help but cry at the part where Shelby (Julia Roberts) explains why she almost didn't want to marry her fiance, she thought he was throwing his chance of having children out the window because she couldn't carry a child due to a chronic illness.
From the movie: "Jackson said, Shelby don't be stupid. There's lots of children out there that need good homes. We'll adopt ten of them. We'll buy them if we have to"
I couldn't help it, the tears welled up and spilled over, and Ken just gave me a hug. It hit a little too close to home, and it was a part I completely forgot about. I understand EXACTLY how Shelby felt at that moment, I've had fears that Ken won't want to be with me either if he can't be a father.

It's interesting how your whole perspective on life just shifts slightly due to grief, and how well I can relate to those characters in movies I love who are experiencing similar emotions and hardships through their grief. Grief is such a weird emotional roller coaster. There is no predictability whatsoever, and things that were fine 6 months ago now seem like a mountain that is impossible to climb. When will the load that is my grief get lighter, easier to carry?