Saturday, February 4, 2017

Beginning

Well, it's been a bit... oh like 3 years ago? since I have updated this. I remember how well it helped me cope, so I want to start writing again.

Ken told me around Christmas, that for my Christmas present, he wants me to take out my birth control and we can start trying for another baby. I want a 2nd baby. We are finally at an decent financial situation, so having a baby isn't difficult or unreasonable. 
But I am also slightly terrified.
I'm terrified of having to go through the pain and anguish I went through trying to conceive our son. I'm afraid of the process taking almost 3 years again. I'm terrified that my health will/would impact conceiving and my pregnancy. I already know I can't have a healthy pregnancy at my weight. I'm almost 200 lbs at 5 ft even, so my weight is a big deal.
I'm scared of it being too difficult going from 1 to 2 children. I'm terrified of having a similar birth experience. My son was 9 days late, and an emergency c section after his heart rate dropped into the 60s at only 5 cm dilated. I'm nervous about how to balance full time work, 2 kids, a house, a husband, and still maintain myself and not lose "me". My son is my world, and I know he will be a great big brother, once he understands (he would be 4 when we have the baby if there are no complications).
 I would love a baby. I loved being pregnant. But all of the unknowns are making me scared and not sure if it's a good idea.
I haven't really talked my fears through with my husband, and usually I'm the positive one in the relationship. I'm a planner, so all this unknown just about makes me sick. I of course will hope and pray for great sticky baby dust.

But I am so scared. I can't go back to that dark place I was in, the 3 years it took to have Lex. I am so scared for everything. Is it normal to be scared?