This week has been... easier. I have been receiving a lot of support lately from an awesome person, my dear friend Kacey. She has been very encouraging the last few weeks, and it's so great to know that someone is there, without me asking, to just encourage me in my struggles. I want to say thank you Kacey, you're an awesome friend, and thank you for sticking with me through this difficult time.
I know that other people (mainly my mom, Ken, and others) have helped me when there was no one else, and I thank you all for that too. I just wanted to give a special shout out to someone great.
She sent me this message today with a video, and I really like it (both the message and the video) so I decided to share both.
(from Kacey)
Hey I was listening to this song tonight while I was driving to school and I don't know why but it made me think of you. Its a really uplifting and powerful song. Actually brought me to tears today when i was having a rough day. Just wanted to remind you to keep your focus on Jesus and keep praying! God has great plans for you Roxanne. He has a purpose and a time for everything. Love you bunches! Hope this song is encouraging, if not its still a great listen!
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So something amazing happened the other night:
I had kind of a mini breakdown. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep after a super stressful day, and I was feeling really down about every aspect of my life. My home, missing Ken, my work, my trying to conceive, everything. I ended up sobbing, could not stop my tears, and I did something I normally probably would not do, but I prayed fervently to God, to help me, to bring peace to my mind and body, to be with me in this time of distress. And I've never experienced this before, but maybe 2 minutes after praying, crying out to God with my hurt and tears and exhaustion, I stopped crying. I felt at peace. I felt like everything would be ok. It was kind of amazing. May not be much to others, but I had to share.
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I have an appointment with Dr Graman to talk and discuss maybe some testing on the 4th of April. I want him to test my thyroid and my testosterone levels, to make sure everything hormonal is ok. I need some answers as to why it's been 8 months and why I'm being driven crazy. I'm really hoping that I get some answers.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Not this month
No baby this month. I'm a day early. Stinks too, because this was the last month to probably have a baby in 2012. :(
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On the drive home today, feeling frustrated and lonely again, I got to thinking. Why do I want children?
Is it because that's what you're "meant" to do? Is it because I enjoy children and therefore want them around me all the time? Something else? Something i can't even put into words?
I guess I came to a realization tonight while driving home. Would I be happy without children? Without going into details, yes. My family is complete with just Ken and I. He is enough for me. It will not be the worst thing that would or could happen if I can't have children. A hard thing to swallow yes but I don't think it would break me.
Do I want children? Without a doubt. I want children to enrich an already happy life, I want children for the every day, small little joys that children can give you. I want to see a mini Ken toddling around, with his sparkling blue eyes, his wit, my horrible Olive nose, his dark handsome hair, my compassion.... I want to create something that is wholly Ken and I, with my partner in life, the love of my life. Will the opportunity for such a thin to happen, ever happen? I guess time will tell. This grief and doubt and stress will not overtake me.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Really trying to keep this in mind.
****
On the drive home today, feeling frustrated and lonely again, I got to thinking. Why do I want children?
Is it because that's what you're "meant" to do? Is it because I enjoy children and therefore want them around me all the time? Something else? Something i can't even put into words?
I guess I came to a realization tonight while driving home. Would I be happy without children? Without going into details, yes. My family is complete with just Ken and I. He is enough for me. It will not be the worst thing that would or could happen if I can't have children. A hard thing to swallow yes but I don't think it would break me.
Do I want children? Without a doubt. I want children to enrich an already happy life, I want children for the every day, small little joys that children can give you. I want to see a mini Ken toddling around, with his sparkling blue eyes, his wit, my horrible Olive nose, his dark handsome hair, my compassion.... I want to create something that is wholly Ken and I, with my partner in life, the love of my life. Will the opportunity for such a thin to happen, ever happen? I guess time will tell. This grief and doubt and stress will not overtake me.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Really trying to keep this in mind.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Lost And All Alone
I wrestled with writing this for about an hour or so, whether or not I really wanted to put this out there. I feel so lost right now, and so alone. This weekend pretty much sucked, Ken and I were fighting off and on, we didn't really do anything of significance, so boredom was abundant, and I've kind of lost hope that I'm pregnant or ever will get pregnant again. I've lost hope that if it's even possible, if we can support a child financially. And if we can't have children, then that's seems to be it, we are in no financially position to undergo IVF or adoption or anything else. Everything seems so hopeless right now, like my biggest wish and dream will never come true. I think I may be a little depressed, but it's not like I can fix it, because any pill that I can is unsafe, because what would happen if right as I start to take a pill to make me happy, that's when I get pregnant. There are too many unknowns in this journey I'm on, and being the planner I am, it makes it so difficult to feel safe, hopeful, even the slightest bit optimistic.
I want to cry, scream, stamp my feet over the unfairness of all this. I want to curse and fall to my knees and ask God why, I want to forget, I want to understand, I want to not care as much as I do about this.
I want to cry, scream, stamp my feet over the unfairness of all this. I want to curse and fall to my knees and ask God why, I want to forget, I want to understand, I want to not care as much as I do about this.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
So I've been meaning to write for a while, but things have gotten in the way, so there is a lot to talk about.
-Tuesday at work, I was laying my kiddos down for nap, and I try to keep one child in particular (he's just over a year old, also one of those kids I super connect with, and I love a lot!) up longer than everyone else, so he sleeps as long as everyone else. He was sitting in my lap with his blanket, and was helping me pat the other child's back. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on his bed, he shook his head no. I asked if he wanted to lay down on me, and he immediately put his head on my shoulder, and just snuggled in. I was kissing his forehead and relishing the moment, and then I had the overwhelming urge to cry, and only kept it together because a coworker came in for the dishes. I got the feeling of sadness just wash over me, because I want moments like that with my own child, and while loving on the kids in my class is good enough most days, it was really hard.
-I have still been feeling nauseated all this week, at random times, but especially around food. No food aversions, but I seem to feel sick after I start eating something that I normally eat just fine. My thoughts on this fact switch I swear every 5 seconds. One second I am convinced I'm pregnant, and the next I'm convinced I'm not. I'm trying to lean more towards not, just so my letdown isn't as bad if I am not indeed. I have another week until my period is due, or thereabouts, so I guess we'll see.
-Tuesday at work, I was laying my kiddos down for nap, and I try to keep one child in particular (he's just over a year old, also one of those kids I super connect with, and I love a lot!) up longer than everyone else, so he sleeps as long as everyone else. He was sitting in my lap with his blanket, and was helping me pat the other child's back. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on his bed, he shook his head no. I asked if he wanted to lay down on me, and he immediately put his head on my shoulder, and just snuggled in. I was kissing his forehead and relishing the moment, and then I had the overwhelming urge to cry, and only kept it together because a coworker came in for the dishes. I got the feeling of sadness just wash over me, because I want moments like that with my own child, and while loving on the kids in my class is good enough most days, it was really hard.
-I have still been feeling nauseated all this week, at random times, but especially around food. No food aversions, but I seem to feel sick after I start eating something that I normally eat just fine. My thoughts on this fact switch I swear every 5 seconds. One second I am convinced I'm pregnant, and the next I'm convinced I'm not. I'm trying to lean more towards not, just so my letdown isn't as bad if I am not indeed. I have another week until my period is due, or thereabouts, so I guess we'll see.
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