Something New

So I've starting something new with this pregnancy, and it is working so amazingly. Whenever I'm having a freak out moment (there have been lots in the last few weeks), I have been telling myself "it will be ok. Everything is fine. I will be ok." A deep breath and then I'm usually ok. I've also started a quick prayer every night (or every night I remember, which is most nights), before I go to bed. I just thank God for this little miracle, and to keep my baby safe, healthy, and growing, and I ask for peace and health for myself. That's it.

This is making me feel so good!! And it's helping so much with my fears and worries. I know I know, I should have started this long ago, but better late than never!

A little boy of about 5 at work this week, while I was giving a break, was being violent and smacked me right in my tummy. I had a freak out moment(s!!), completed the break, and decided to give myself a minute to collect myself. I took a potty break, and while in the potty I sent up a quick prayer for safety, peace, and well being for the baby. I felt myself calming down within moments, and was able to finish the work day with minimal stress. It also really helps that I have a co-worker who knows about the pregnancy, so I can keep her in the loop , and she has been quite helpful in keeping me calm as well.

Almost 7 weeks, and my nausea has become more frequent and stronger. I'm glad though, morning sickness is a good sign!  Everything seems to be going well, and I'm quite happy.

Well

It's been 2 weeks, and everything is still great. I'll be 6 weeks on Tuesday the 25th, which is exciting. 2 more weeks until my first appointment. I've already had some pregnancy symptoms, which is exciting in and of itself. I've never really had them too much with my previous pregnancies, and especially not this early. I've been having breast tenderness and mild nausea, and I swear I have to pee every 5 minutes already. My pants are already becoming tight too, I get uncomfortable easily in my jeans after only a few hours. Thankfully a friend of mine from work knows (I figure if something bad happens at work, I have someone who knows and can give support, I'm not telling work until after 13 weeks either), and she has been a great help with all the weird things that are happening so far.

I was worried for a few days, since I had about 2 days of mild, uncomfortable cramping, but she reassured me it was probably implantation cramping. She has really been helping me keep calm about everything. I still have momentary fear every time I go potty, that I will find blood, but those feelings have lessened this week. Still staying positive, I still have a great feeling about this baby. \

Ken and I took a mini vacation to Portland for our 5th wedding anniversary, (we actually just got back today), and we got a chance to talk, really talk about his feelings. I've felt before that the whole trying for a baby really affected him as much as it has for me. So I asked him how he felt about the positive pregnancy test, and he told me that he is over the moon excited, he can't wait. He has a good feeling too, and is ready for whatever it takes to support me and the baby. Definitely makes me feel better about all this.

Hope

Well it is official. I took a test on Wednesday night after I came home, and a pale pink second line showed up!!

I'm Pregnant!!!!!

Right now I'm around 4 weeks, and I have have already made my first OB appointment. My new doctor is Dr Dickson (I'm pretty sure I went to school with one of her daughters), and the appointment is on the 8th, when I'll be 8 weeks. I told Dr Dickson's nurse that I have had 2 previous miscarriages, and she said if I want, I can come in and do a blood test to monitor my levels but I don't think I want that. She also said that if I see any bleeding at all, don't hesitate to call her.

That said, if you are reading this and I haven't already told you in person/call, I apologize. My previous losses are making me nervous, and I don't want to have to tell everyone again if I do miscarry. Make it easier on myself and Ken.

That also being said, if you are reading this, please do not tell anyone else. I want to wait until the heartbeat appointment until I tell the free world. I'm trying to be optimistic but I am still nervous about this whole thing. Obviously so.

Please continue positive thoughts and prayers for me, and I will continue updates as they come I guess. Thanks everyone!

Maybe??

I may be getting too excited, but according to my calendar tracking, my period comes every 3 weeks, so it should start this week. Well I looked at it and this week, starting last Sunday, the 2nd, to I'm assuming tomorrow, saturday-ish. I'm trying not to hold my breath, but I haven't gotten it yet. Maybe my calculations of when to expect it are wrong, I don't know. I will not be surprised if I get it. I'm also going to wait until the mid to end of next week, the week of the 14th, before I test.
I've told Ken already that I'm sort of late, and he told me not to get too excited either. I know I know, don't have high expectations. I'm honestly trying not to. He is excited about the possibility though. Gave me a high five, ha!

I guess we will see what happens in the next week. I really hope I don't have to write a retraction post. 

Small Update

A dear friend of mine is undergoing the process to become a foster parent, and through work, I know someone who is trying the foster to adopt option through DSHS. My dear friend has agreed to go with me to an orientation, to find out more about the process and what exactly it would be like. I don't want to do the fostering (I think I'm too emotional of a person to have a child and then have to say goodbye, over and over) but the fostering to adopt (and they have an option that is just straight adopting through DSHS) is of interest to me. I want to find out more about the program and what it would take, see if it is the right avenue for Ken and I.

We still have not been to the Gyft Clinic, mainly because of other medial bills that have accrued from testings I've had done during our year of trying. We want to have those taken care of before having the possibility of more. I also don't want to ask for too much time off for appointments this close to the holidays, I would rather save my paid days for other things in the next 6 months.

To be honest, baby making is really on the back burner. It is not all consuming for me, as it once was.If it were to happen naturally right now, I'd be over the moon, but I'm not actively seeking whatever it takes, and neither is Ken. We are enjoying each other, enjoying life right now. Some days are better than others though.
I've noticed on a whole though, that I don't become as angry or upset about my friends and their pregnancies, or new births. I can honestly say I'm 95% happy for them. I don't think I'll ever not have those moments of jealousy or hurt. Things are better. I am leaning not on my own understanding, and I've been praying more in my moments of weakness and anger. Also in moments where I normally wouldn't, not just when I'm upset. I like it.

A recent visit with my mom gave me another avenue of relatively easy exploration though. She told me of a herbal supplement that everyone she knows who has had trouble conceiving and took this, became pregnant within 3 months, including my oldest sister. It's called Black Cohosh, and I guess it helps regulate female hormones. Can't hurt to try right? I'm doing a little more research into it before I purchase it, but I may start it in the next week or so, see what happens.

I'm trying to be ok, I really am. It's getting better.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I can't believe I let this day pass me by without any remembrance almost at all. Has it really been that long? Today is special for 2 reasons. One, it is my due date for my second pregnancy, my missed miscarriage. It has been 2 years since this day was all I could think of. And I didn't even remember until a blog friend posted. I'm really surprised that I forgot this. It seemed all I could focus on a year ago, 2 years ago, that to forget this momentus day is weird for me. I feel guilty that I forgot. Will I remember this day at all, for either meaning, next year? I'm sorry little Baby Dudley, for not remembering your supposed to be birthday. Happy supposed to be birthday little one. I still miss you every day. I still love you ever so fiercely. Daddy does too, although I don't think he remembered today. This day is more for us anyway. Please give Auntie Jennica a kiss for me, and an extra special hug. 
This day is also special because it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. People around the country and world light candles as a remembrance at 7 pm, to honor those who have lost and those who have been lost. Well I obviously missed that time, so I'll light a candle now, for the small amount of time I can.

I swear this has not become any easier. It's been 2 years since my loss, and I still tear up. I still haven't taken my "grieving" bracelet off. I still don't think I'm ready.
Why do my words never convey what I want them to? I can't make the words form right to say what I truly feel and my thoughts on this subject. Maybe it is still too new. All I know is that I want to be happy. A simple thing really. Happy.

Occupied

It seems that lately, the last 2 to 3 weeks, any time I have a moment to sit and think (mostly on the car ride home from work), my mind immediately goes to reliving moments. Moments of the past 2 years, joyful and difficult. The doctor appointment where they couldn't find the heartbeat.  Waking up in recovery from my D&C. Starting this blog, and trying to keep everyone in the loop through it. Telling Ken he would be a daddy, and the whole process of telling our friends and family. I don't know if I'm truly depressed (which only came to light recently that it was even a good possibility, postpartum depression from hormones can develop after even  miscarriage, didn't know that until recently) but I can't help it when my mind drifts to these memories and times. I've been crying more lately, and it is definitely not something I can control. Ken and I are waiting to pay off more medical bills that have accrued from previous tests and appointments before we try to even make an appointment at the Gyft Clinic. At this point, I just feel defeated.

An Update

Well, there is news. A year without conceiving, I have to make an appointment with the Gyft Clinic. I haven't yet, for the sheer reason that I can't take any more time from work, until next month. I just want to see what the options are, what kind of testing they think we might need, a general overview type of appointment first. Then it will be a decision of where we are financially, and emotionally before we go forward with anything. So I guess we will have to see what happens. We are looking at all the options, and nothing is completely ruled out. I had a min breakdown though, and cried for like 2 days straight when I got my period in August. That moment when I knew it wasn't going to happen, and it had been 14 months with nothing, no hope, it was too much.
My mom got married last weekend, and her sister (Barbara) is married to a full blood Tongan, like from the island is where he came from. We got to a point in conversation where one of my brothers was talking about retiring at 45 in Tonga, and my sister in law said that her one stipulation was to have kids, which then my aunt said they can adopt a Tongan baby. Apparently it's pretty simple. My aunt said that you should visit for a month, find an unwed mother, and if all the paperwork checks out, it's that easy. I would only consider it as an option because my cousins and obviously my aunt are all fully into their heritage and culture, so assimilating a different culture into my own family wouldn't be difficult. If I have the paperwork lined up before we go, I figure the month and staying with the baby for the first 6 weeks plus totally fits within the family leave law. It is obviously something I want to research more, and understand fully what I need to do for this to happen, but I think it would be a better option than trying to pay $15 to 20 grand here in the states, and that's not even guaranteed.
I guess everything is so up in the air, but I'm definitely more optimistic about the future and what it means for the dream of having children.

I also had a dream last night, that I was pregnant, but in the very early stages, first trimester for sure. I was nervous for sure, but after going to the potty, I noticed a spot of blood and freaked out, then woke up. Weird.

Negative

With every passing day, I'm becoming more and more convinced that I will be unable to conceive naturally. The possibility of me becoming pregnant this month seem so small, so "not going to happen". Why of all months of trying, almost 14 months of actively trying, should this month be any different? Can something just go right for once? Just a little encouragement, something positive in regards to having a baby, please?
Is God punishing me? I feel like it sometimes. This is something that has to happen because I'm an awful person and I get jealous when ever other known woman is having a baby, and has not had any issues either conceiving or carrying to term. It becomes so overwhelming, so difficult emotionally.

I definitely will never take my ability to have a baby for granted again. If I ever do have a child of my own, my fertility is not something I will ever take for granted. It is such a special gift,

Too Late?

No baby in July either. This is the last month we have before I have to make that dreaded appointment at the infertility clinic. I'm so nervous about this. I can't imagine having to make that call, see an infertility specialist, walk into that clinic. I can't help but wonder if this is some form of punishment. Am I such an awful person that this is what I get? Why do I have to go through this? Why does it seem like every other person I know is having babies, multiple pregnancies , all healthy and perfect. Why do I have this desire in my heart for children if it will never be fulfilled? I've been reading what i can about adoptions online, and it's not promising. Everything I've read says that they cost $15,000- $20,000, unless I do foster to adopt, but even from other states, there do not seem to be any young children in foster care, 95% of what I've seen are children 12 and above. And if we are willing to do an older child, there are so many steps involved, it would be a year or more until we even had a possibility of receiving a foster child. I feel so lost right now.

Enough

I recently had a conversation with an old and dear friend of mine, and he has been pretty out of the loop for a while. I had to fill him in on my baby issues, and he gave me an interesting thought. He told me to stop stressing (which I am, significantly) and that when it's supposed to happen, it will. He also told me this: that I'm already a mom. I'm a mom to my friends by caring so much about them and their well being, I'm a mom to Andy and Jared right now (my roommates) by helping them when they needed it. I'm a mom to him, by helping him and supporting him in his life.
I was kind of struck by it, because it's true. I totally understand what he meant. For me right now, I feel more like a mom like it is now than I did while I was pregnant. I thought this was food for thought, and I wanted to make sure I got it out there.

Tired

Nope, not this month. The day after I posted, I got a visitor. It really set me in an awful mood, and the disappointment never gets easier. I'm really getting tired of this. There doesn't seem to be any true explanation (at least that I've head 100% or even very likely yet) for a year of infertility. I'm really starting to lose hope about ever having children, my own or through other means. Lord help me.

Holding My Breath

I'm really trying not to hold my breath, but I really don't know what to do. My period is late, from what the fertility tracker said before I took it off my phone (I honestly couldn't remember when my may period was, so I needed to see). The tracker said my last period was on the 29th of May, and to expect the June period on the 23 or 24th.
Well, nothing has happened. I keep gearing up for it, preparing for it, but today (Tuesday) is 2-3 days late. I'm holding my breath because I have been semi late before, and no baby. I'm thinking that if nothing happens by Friday afternoon, I might take a test on my lunch break.
Having this thought in the back of my head is driving me a little crazy, but I'm trying to stay calm about it. My lab results (Dr Gramann wanted to test my progesterone again, to make sure I ovulated) said I did indeed ovulate, so anything is possible.

I guess we will have to see what happens by Friday. Eek.

Tears Walk and an Appointment

It has been a crazy last week. The Tears Walk was on the 16th, and it didn't go quite as I expected. Ken has a bought of food poisoning, so it was just my mom and I. I wish Ken would have been able to go. It was good though. My mom hadn't been before, so once we got to Cheney Stadium, I gave her a run through of how things would go for the day. We both bought extra t shirts, and sat to listen to a little history (it was actually the 10th year since Tears was founded), the founders personal story losing her son at 26 weeks, and the reading of all the names of the babies being walked for. We had a little meltdown moment when we were writing special messages to my lost babies, I think that moment definitely bought us closer. It really made me realize how much my personal loss affects other people. You think it affects you yourself the most, but a loss really affects everyone you can even remotely close to. Just made it really hit home how sad other people are as well as I am.

                                              Myself with the butterfly for my babies.

                                                     People walking the track

 Every butterfly represents a child who is being walked for or a child who has been helped by the Tears Foundation. The butterflies circled the entire stadium.


*******************************************************************************
So I also had my last appointment with Dr Gramann today, since he is retiring on the 27th. The main things are that he is still very hopeful that I will become pregnant without any medical intervention, and basically it's a waiting game to see if Ken and I  conceive by the end of August. After that we need to look at Ken's side of things, and see an infertility specialist. No pressure right?
He hasn't ruled out polysystic overy syndrome yet, and he wants me to do another small blood test this Saturday (the 23rd) to see if I've ovulated this month. I guess even girls with minor PCOS may only ovulate 3-8 times a year, so one test isn't condusive. He also said that he's not 100% that my right tube is instead blocked. He said that it may have shown it was blocked from a spasm the tube had while being invaded with dye. I guess that's everything that I can remember from the top of the my head, and I guess we will see what happens in the next couple months.

Grief

"Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations. Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives, to recognize what’s really important and put it first. Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted. Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death. Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.
None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad.”
- Roger Bertschausen

The Tears Foundation

It is that time again. The Tears Foundation Rock and Walk is coming up on the 16th. This local charity helps families who have lost a baby through miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss. They help local families with burial costs, tombstones, and moses baskets. If you are interested in donating through my Rock and Walk team, please click the donate button on the side of my blog.

Dream

I had an interesting dream last night, and I wanted to make sure I wrote it down, seem it was kind of weird. I was traveling with family to I think Australia, for some kind of family reunion. We got there, and I was getting the tour of the housing place we were staying by some of the family. One of my super distant cousins was pregnant, and I somehow told her all of my baby issues, how I want a baby but have not gotten that far yet. She told me why didn't I adopt the baby, hers, since she fell pregnant and didn't want it anyway, like it was nothing. I was of course in shock, and asked her more details, including what the gender was, and she said it was a boy. Which made me fall to my knees in tears because that is what I had wanted originally when I was planning on TTC, and here she was giving me exactly what I had wanted. The rest of the dream is a blur after that point.
Maybe I've been watching too much 16 and pregnant or shows like it, but the dream kind of rattled me. I don't know whether to read into it or not.
I'm so pretty sure there will be no baby for the month of May. I wish I had clarification though, I don't know if Dr Graman meant to include this month in the 2-3 month time frame he gave me to conceive or if because of the test he wasn't counting it. I don't know.

Test Results and the Next Step

My test was yesterday, the one where my doctor injects dye into my uterus to see if my tubes are open or blocked. The test itself was pretty quick (about 30 minutes from the time I had to get undressed to the time I was able to clean up and go) but it was also pretty painful. It was mostly a cramping pain, but a very intense type cramp, something I've never experienced before. The good thing is I got results right after the test was done. It seems like my left tube is open, but my right one is blocked. The dye wouldn't go into my right tube at all. Dr Graman says sometimes the test is all it takes to kick start my body into actually getting pregnant, so he wants me to try and see if something happens in 2-3 cycles. If it doesn't, then I need a special kind of surgery to see what's going on with the tube, where the blockage is, all that. And then we look into Ken, and see if there is an issue with him.

I talked to my mom about all this the day of the test (we went out to dinner for Mother's Day early) and apparently my older sister had something similar, she could only get pregnant every other month, but she ended up having 2 healthy boys. I guess this makes sense because ovaries take turns on which one releases the egg, and so it will still show I'm ovulating, but the egg can't go anywhere and neither can the sperm if it's in that blocked tube. Which would make sense that it's been almost a year of trying and no baby. My mom also said that if there was car tissue from my D&C, then it can move into the tubes, which might be what the blockage is.

I had a talk with Ken after I got home, about our options what he wanted, what he thought, how far he wanted to go with the trying to have a baby. He actually surprised me, and we had a very good talk. He wants a baby just as desperately as I do, which is something I hadn't thought he really wanted sometimes. He talked to him mom recently and she said there are middle class adoptions, so it doesn't cost thousands of dollars. I guess if we can find something, it's a good choice. He doesn't seem to want to go down the IVF route either. Mainly because he says it's really expensive, and it's not guaranteed we'd get pregnant. I told him I wanted to keep going for the 2-3 cycles, but after that I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, and he got kind of upset. He wants a baby badly, and he doesn't want to stop trying. I told him that I just wanted to see what would happen, and if nothing works, then we can see where we are emotionally and financially, and then make the next decision. He also said he's totally fine with going through whatever testing he would need to, which makes me feel better, I wasn't sure how he would feel about it.

So I guess now it's just do what we've been doing. I have taken off the fertility tracker on my phone though, I think using it was just too much pressure. I'm trying to give myself some peace and not freak out that next month would be a year since we've started trying again. I think it helps that Dr Graman said to try for another 2-3 months. I guess we will see.

Day Before

I am having my procedure/trst/xray done tomorrow, and I'd have to lie if I said I wasn't scared. I am. I'm scared of the test itself, I'm scared of what I might have to do (have I mentioned they might have to give me an enema? Sorry if that was TMI, but UGH no thank you!), if I will be sore or able to preform my job afterward. I'm really scared of what this test might mean for my baby future, for the future of Ken and I and all that. I have to check in at St Elizabeth in Enumclaw at 1045. So nervous. I trust Dr Graman though, he's the one doing the procedure, definitely trudt him more than I ever did Dr Bahgdadi or Dr Jung.
Please let this test go well, with minimal invasiveness and stress, minimal moments of being uncomfortable, and good results. Please Please Please!!!!

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Apparently today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. I got an invite from a friend of mine (unfortunately another baby loss mama) to the group on facebook, and I guess people are trying to have everyone celebrate and recognize those who has suffered from pregnancy/infant loss as their mother's day. I remember Mother's Day last year, how unhappy it was for me, right after the loss of my second pregnancy and my D&C. I'm hoping this year will be better, but you never know. I'm trying to recognize this day as a day to myself, and remember that I am indeed a mom.... but not going to lie, that is something I've always struggled with. I don't feel like a mom. At all.
I feel like a person who has lost a part of themselves, lost a piece of their heart, like a failure, like an idiot. Anything else but a mom. I know that's not how I should feel and that I have every right to be called a mom, and have that title, but honestly I've never felt it. Maybe kind of when I was pregnant but even then it was all so early, it was hard to really call myself a mom.
This is such a roller coaster, one day I think I would be just fine having a family of 2, to not have children, and today I feel like I would give my right arm for a baby. This craziness needs to end.

Unsure

I've been thinking lately. I've been trying to make an appointment for that dye test the last 2 days, and for several reasons I have been unable to. I should get one scheduled tomorrow though. So anyway, I've been thinking....
I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I had to stop myself today and wonder when I'll say enough is enough. What if this test doesn't go well, and what I need is surgery? What if I get the surgery and baby making still doesn't happen? Will I do IVF? Adoption? Foster? How badly do I really want children, how far will I go? I don't know how much more I can do this, take this toll on my emotional and mental health, how much more I can take on my marriage. I know Ken is apprehensive about spending a bunch of money on tests and treatments, just to get pregnant, and that's not even taking into account the financial aspect of once the baby is here (and that's if I can keep it, who says I won't have another miscarriage if I do get pregnant, then it that took a procedure that's like money wasted). I guess I'm trying to be a little bit of a realist here, and I haven't come up with a clear answer. I don't know when my stopping point is, but I think it's soon. I'm happy enough with my life as it is, I don't need to have children in order to be happy or survive. I would get over infertility. I just don't see myself going through years of procedures and complications and hopes and dreams and disappointments in order to have a baby. I guess a lot rides on this upcoming test, and depending what's going on, I guess that will depend my future. All I know is this roller coaster ride of trying to have a baby, and failing twice, and then trying to get pregnant for 9 months is getting old. Fast. I think it might be time to get off the ride. 

Confused

Well I thought I had answers... but I don't. I got in the mail today, a paper from my Dr going over my test results. I must have heard the nurse wrong, since the lab results say that I have indicators for POC, but I did indeed ovulate this month.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess the test he wants me to have is called hysterosalpingogram after I have my period. What is this exactly? This is from web md:

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).
During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.

Why It Is Done

A hysterosalpingogram is done to:

• Find a blocked fallopian tube. The test often is done for a woman who is having a hard time becoming pregnant. An infection may cause severe scarring of the fallopian tubes and block the tubes, preventing pregnancy. Occasionally the dye used during a hysterosalpingogram will push through and open a blocked tube.
• Find problems in the uterus, such as an abnormal shape or structure, an injury, polyps, fibroids, adhesions, or a foreign object in the uterus. These types of problems may cause painful menstrual periods or repeated miscarriages.

Why does it seem to me that this is always the case? Nothing is easy, there is always something in my life, complications that no one else seems to have.
So onto complication number two.... granted maybe my little tracker thing is off, but I was expecting my period on Sunday, and I still haven't had it. I'm late by 3 days. Should I get a pregnancy test? Do I chalk it up to something my body is doing, being weird? 

Labs

So while on my lunch today, I noticed that I had a missed call (but no voice mail) from Dr Graman. I got a wee bit of butterflies in my stomach, took a deep breath, and dialed. The receptionist took a few moments to locate the nurse (and she was leaving in 20 minutes, I caught her right in time) who would tell me what was going on. I guess I did NOT ovulate in the month of April. Which now means I have to make another appointment after I have my period in order to have this other procedure to make sure my tubes and everything baby related are clear and not blocked or scarred up or anything. And if everything checks out ok with that test, I'm pretty sure I'll be going on Clomid and maybe one other drug to help me ovulate, which Dr Graman is very positive about helping me get pregnant within a few months. Goodness I hope so, and I hope everything goes ok with my other test. Here is some info on Clomid for those interested (Clomid Info)
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that no matter what I was doing or not doing, the 9 months of stress and craziness has a reason. Dr Graman doesn't and can't know about any other months, but I'm sure if I didn't ovulate this month, I probably didn't any other month either. It' so great to know that whatever guilt I may have had, isn't my fault.
I can tell Ken is excited too, he was talking about saving all the money we're getting from Jared living with us into a baby fund, to beef it back up since we have basically nothing saved any more. I love that he's already thinking ahead. Here hoping that everything comes back great at my next appointment!

Ovulation and testing

Well I have my blood test on Wednesday to figure out what's going on with my hormones, and to see if I've ovulated or not this month. And a few days after that, I'm thinking either Friday or Monday, I'll have some answers. I'm really hoping all that this is is PCOS, and not scarring or blockage. I really don't want to have to go through more surgery or something to fix this. I've been thinking lately, that if given the chance to go back and have a do over, I would not have done a D&C. The surgery seems to caused complications for so many women, many of which have lost their fertility completely because of complications from a surgery, and I would have thought about it more. I wish I had had a different doctor after my first miscarriage, that the ER could have referred me to anyone else but Dr Jung. The whole experience was confusing and stressful, and during such a stressful time in my life, I wish they had taken more time with me and explained the risks better, told me options, jut in general spent more time with me regarding the situation. I really wish Dr Graman wasn't retiring, I like him so much already! If he's anything in labor and delivery like he was at my last appointment, I would love to have him as my OB. But unfortunately that wont happen.

I guess having scarring from a D&C is called Asherman's syndrome, and can only be fixed by more surgery. Here is the wiki page about it. Asherman's Syndrome.  
It seems so complicated, and I really hope this is something I don't have to deal with.

After reading more about PCOS, I seem to have a lot of those symptoms (although not all), and it would explain a lot about me physically. I guess common signs are more masculine features, like hair growth (on the face, the feet, and midsection, all of which I have), weight gain especially around the midsection (also have), more acne (had acne since I was in 5th grade, so this makes sense too)... the only thing I don't have is the menstrual irregularity. Since I first got my period, I've always been pretty regular, although since I've been pregnant before it seems to be a little wonky, coming sooner than before pregnancy (4 weeks to the day before versus every 3 weeks give or take). Here is a link to read up more about PCOS too (Polycystic Overy Syndrome)
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what my blood tests say.

I'm becoming more and more convinced I'll never have a baby with every passing day. Starting to eel super gloomy about all this. Ugh.

Jennica

It is with a heavy heart that I have to write this post at all. On Thursday, April 12, I lost a dear friend of mine, Jennica. It was a very sudden passing, and I'm still in shock.

I had kind of thought of what else I would say in this blog about her passing, but the words have not come to me now. I mourn her loss, even though Heaven gained an angel on Thursday. Maybe I'll post other things about her later.

April update

Well, no baby this month, I started my period on Monday. I was pretty disappointed, I had a little feeling all month long that I was indeed pregnant. Guess not.
I did go to see Dr Graman again today, which was good. Big thank you to Jared, Kacey, and Ti for meeting with me this morning to pray for peace, comfort and answers today before my appointment. It was very much appreciated, than you guys!
So this is what Dr Graman said: I asked about blood testing, to test my thyroid for normalcy and I also wanted to test my level of testosterone, since I have excess facial hair (way more than a normal woman should have). And he said "well with knowing it's been 9 months, and that you want to do tests (I even showed him my fertility tracker on my phone) there are two things, two ways we can approach this. It depends on if you're ovulating or not. Let's do some blood testing at a certain point in your cycle, and I'll get the results of if you're ovulating this month or not. If not, then we can fix that, put you on something like clomid, to help you ovulate, and then probably a few months with that and you'll probably be pregnant. It also may be that the facial hair and other minor things may be some sort of PCOS, where there are small cysts on the ovaries, which hinders ovulation.
If you are ovulating, then we need to do an x ray, which isn't 100% but it does a pretty good job, to see if there is scar tissue or a blockage related to your D&C which may be the reason"

Every thing he said made total sense, especially the PSOC (mostly). He also said that RH positive, and RH negative isn't a factor, and pure testosterone isn't to blame. I filled out a form for work to take the 25th off, since I'm going to St Joes to get my blood tested, and Dr Graman will have the results in a few days, and will call me when he gets them.
One unfortunately thing, is Dr Graman is retiring in June, but he will give me recommendations for doctors in Tacoma, which is awesome. He says his goal is to help me get pregnant if possible by that time though, so I guess we'll see.

I guess I'll have to wait until the end of this month to get some real answers.

A Thank You, A Prayer, And An Update

This week has been... easier. I have been receiving a lot of support lately from an awesome person, my dear friend Kacey. She has been very encouraging the last few weeks, and it's so great to know that someone is there, without me asking, to just encourage me in my struggles. I want to say thank you Kacey, you're an awesome friend, and thank you for sticking with me through this difficult time.
I know that other people (mainly my mom, Ken, and others) have helped me when there was no one else, and I thank you all for that too. I just wanted to give a special shout out to someone great.
She sent me this message today with a video, and I really like it (both the message and the video) so I decided to share both.
(from Kacey)
Hey I was listening to this song tonight while I was driving to school and I don't know why but it made me think of you. Its a really uplifting and powerful song. Actually brought me to tears today when i was having a rough day. Just wanted to remind you to keep your focus on Jesus and keep praying! God has great plans for you Roxanne. He has a purpose and a time for everything. Love you bunches! Hope this song is encouraging, if not its still a great listen!

***************
So something amazing happened the other night:
I had kind of a mini breakdown. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep after a super stressful day, and I was feeling really down about every aspect of my life. My home, missing Ken, my work, my trying to conceive, everything. I ended up sobbing, could not stop my tears, and I did something I normally  probably would not do, but I prayed fervently to God, to help me, to bring peace to my mind and body,  to be with me in this time of distress. And I've never experienced this before, but maybe 2 minutes after praying, crying out to God with my hurt and tears and exhaustion, I stopped crying. I felt at peace. I felt like everything would be ok. It was kind of amazing. May not be much to others, but I had to share.

****************
I have an appointment with Dr Graman to talk and discuss maybe some testing on the 4th of April. I want him to test my thyroid and my testosterone levels, to make sure everything hormonal is ok. I need some answers as to why it's been 8 months and why I'm being driven crazy. I'm really hoping that I get some answers.

Not this month

No baby this month. I'm a day early. Stinks too, because this was the last month to probably have a baby in 2012. :(

****

On the drive home today, feeling frustrated and lonely again, I got to thinking. Why do I want children?
Is it because that's what you're "meant" to do? Is it because I enjoy children and therefore want them around me all the time? Something else? Something i can't even put into words?

I guess I came to a realization tonight while driving home. Would I be happy without children? Without going into details, yes. My family is complete with just Ken and I. He is enough for me. It will not be the worst thing that would or could happen if I can't have children. A hard thing to swallow yes but I don't think it would break me.
Do I want children? Without a doubt. I want children to enrich an already happy life, I want children for the every day, small little joys that children can give you. I want to see a mini Ken toddling around, with his sparkling blue eyes, his wit, my horrible Olive nose, his dark handsome hair, my compassion.... I want to create something that is wholly Ken and I, with my partner in life, the love of my life.  Will the opportunity for such a thin to happen, ever happen? I guess time will tell. This grief and doubt and stress will not overtake me.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding but acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Really trying to keep this in mind.

Lost And All Alone

I wrestled with writing this for about an hour or so, whether or not I really wanted to put this out there. I feel so lost right now, and so alone. This weekend pretty much sucked, Ken and I were fighting off and on, we didn't really do anything of significance, so boredom was abundant, and I've kind of lost hope that I'm pregnant or ever will get pregnant again. I've lost hope that if it's even possible, if we can support a child financially. And if we can't have children, then that's seems to be it, we are in no financially position to undergo IVF or adoption or anything else. Everything seems so hopeless right now, like my biggest wish and dream will never come true. I think I may be a little depressed, but it's not like I can fix it, because any pill that I can is unsafe, because what would happen if right as I start to take a pill to make me happy, that's when I get pregnant. There are too many unknowns in this journey I'm on, and being the planner I am, it makes it so difficult to feel safe, hopeful, even the slightest bit optimistic.

I want to cry, scream, stamp my feet over the unfairness of all this. I want to curse and fall to my knees and ask God why, I want to forget, I want to understand, I want to not care as much as I do about this.

So I've been meaning to write for a while, but things have gotten in the way, so there is a lot to talk about.

-Tuesday at work, I was laying my kiddos down for nap, and I try to keep one child in particular (he's just over a year old, also one of those kids I super connect with, and I love a lot!) up longer than everyone else, so he sleeps as long as everyone else. He was sitting in my lap with his blanket, and was helping me pat the other child's back. I asked him if he wanted to lay down on his bed, he shook his head no. I asked if he wanted to lay down on me, and he immediately put his head on my shoulder, and just snuggled in. I was kissing his forehead and relishing the moment, and then I had the overwhelming urge to cry, and only kept it together because a coworker came in for the dishes. I got the feeling of sadness just wash over me, because I want moments like that with my own child, and while loving on the kids in my class is good enough most days, it was really hard.

-I have still been feeling nauseated all this week, at random times, but especially around food. No food aversions, but I seem to feel sick after I start eating something that I normally eat just fine. My thoughts on this fact switch I swear every 5 seconds. One second I am convinced I'm pregnant, and the next I'm convinced I'm not. I'm trying to lean more towards not, just so my letdown isn't as bad if I am not indeed. I have another week until my period is due, or thereabouts, so I guess we'll see.

Confused is the word

Maybe all this stuff is stress related, but my mucus is still all wonky and I don't know what's going on. The certainty of my phone telling me what's going on with possibility of pregnancy is not there (like 2 stars out of 5) and maybe the weird thing is me. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what my body is showing. I have no clue. I almost feel like giving up. Some days I feel like time is running out, (of that year time period of actively trying before the talk is infertility) and other days I feel like 4-5 months is a long time to try. Heck, even moment to moment my mind changes about how I feel. It seems that, as of today and my feelings right this moment, I wan to give up the tracking, the stress, the phone app, all of it, and leave it to the powers that be, to God, to the universe.

Although as I say that, I can't. I can't really and truly. I'll always wonder, in the back of mind, what if I did track this time, and it worked? UGH. I think I need to try it at least, so as not to drive Ken and myself both crazy, if it hasn't all ready.

I had a long day yesterday, so I ended up laying down for bed early. I was reading for a bout an hour, ate some candy, and was about to turn off the light to sleep, but I started feeling really nauseated. It was bad enough I went to the bathroom and had my head in the toilet, but nothing. It subsided after about 15 minutes, so I really don't know. I guess wait and see.

No Baby In Feb

Well, no baby for February. I got my period yesterday, right on time, not even close to being late. Bleh.

Troubled

My friend Amy posted a comment on my previous post, and after replying, I've been re-reading some of my entries. I was looking to see if I had posted a song/video that really touched my heart (although it's on my iPod, I have to skip it a lot because it makes me cry nearly every time.) and even after 10 minutes of reading, and listening to another song I posted back in July, I can't stop crying. I guess I feel a little bit hopeless right now, that my dream of being a mommy will never come true. My heart feels so heavy today.

Anyway, here is a video of the song that I like, although it makes me cry. The video has lyrics. Very pretty, can be inspiring, but lately it makes me cry. My eyes really hurt now, with all this crying I've been doing today.

Confused

I really do think I need to make an appointment now. I've been tracking my mucus (sorry if this is TMI) to better predict ovulation (Ugh I honestly never even though I'd have to do this, but that's another post). And it seems that the indications that I'd be ovulating are all over the place. I've been reading up on it, and I've been experiencing what all the websites said should happen, but this month has been weird, I've gotten 2-3 days of days where what I'm interpreting would mean I'm ovulating or already did. And I'm so confused because they have been a week apart. So I don't know what to expect. My phone says to expect my Feb period by the 10th, but in case it doesn't show up then, I'm going to be a little skeptical, and give it another week to show up before I test. Just to make sure.

A coworker of mine told me a few days ago, that since she's discovered she can't have kids (we've talked about our own personal fertility issues before) that she's going to adopt. While I admire her courage, I hope she waits a little longer before starting the adoption process, to give herself time to grief her loss of fertility. That's kind of a big issue as a woman, to not be fertile. My heart grieves for her as well, because I cannot imagine the feelings she must have, after being told she will never have biological children. I hope and pray that I will never hear that news.

I am trying to be optimistic this month, keeping in mind we came close (sort of) last month, and that just because I haven't been pregnant the last 6 months, doesn't mean it still won't happen ever. I'm really trying, my optimism comes and goes. I guess I'll update again after the 10th.

New Mantra

I'm trying to have a new mantra about this TTC crap and all the weird things I've been feeling lately.

This Will Be Worth It

Trying to keep this in the back of my head all the time. Because having a baby, when it does happen, will be worth it. It will be worth all this pain, struggle, frustration, anger, jealously, depression, sadness, and craziness that this process and journey has been and become. This will be worth it. This WILL be worth it.

My mom is creating a baby blanket for a friend (not sure if I've mentioned this before, can't remember) who is due this month. My mom also decided to make me a baby blanket, slowly, since it's not like she has a timeline or due date to be done by, just because. My mom has a knack for guessing the genders of babies, and has only been wrong once in all her years of guessing. My mom is making a pink baby blanket, she believes whenever I get pregnant again it will be a girl. Well I guess time will only tell. This makes me want to know the genders of my lost babies, I think that would help my grief and process. I wish I knew.

Fake Out

Well, Ken and I did a little happy dance yesterday. I was expecting my period, and if it's coming, it's usually made an appearance by the afternoon. He met me for lunch and by 2 pm there was nothing yet. We tried to contain our excitement, and I said I would wait until today to test, just to make sure. We were so excited, and making mini plans, and also a little nervous (more so me than Ken). So I took a test this morning, and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. A day late and still negative. This is the closest we've been I guess, to having any kind of late periods in the last 6 months since we've been trying, and it was a major letdown this morning to tell Ken my last pregnancy test I had in the house said negative. He's sad yes, but not overly sad, and I'm just disappointed. Severely disappointed. A fake out is so much worse than expecting my period and getting it. UGH.

Nervous

Well unless my fertility tracker is wrong (which I'm assuming it's not) I'll either be late or start my period on friday. I'm kind of nervous for it, if that makes any sense.
I found a therapist (well it's a couple in a practice) that deals with grief and fertility issues, and part of my mom's support is that she's willing to help me receive those appointments, if I think they will help. The practice offers a free 30 minute consultation before they charge, which is awesome, and I just need to schedule a consultation now, when I can get some time off. I'm hoping for some time in February, so maybe then. I really hope it helps. Certainly can't hurt. I know the support group helped, but it was hard to connect to the members since none of them had endured a miscarriage/infant loss, all of their lost children were anywhere from 12-55 years old at the time of their death, plus they (the members) were all a lot older than I am. If it fit into my schedule better, I would continue, but I really didn't feel the connection, which makes it hard to be supportive of someone. So I'm hoping a therapist will be better. I guess we'll see, and I'll update again on Friday, keep your fingers crossed!

Waiting

Nothing new has really changed, it's just the same waiting game, checking and inputting, and waiting. And waiting. And more waiting. A dear friend of mine told me recently, if I ever need it, an overy, eggs, whatever, she will give it to me, if I experience that sort of problem. Very sweet, and I sincerely hope I never have to ask her.
It seems like the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks of infertility, that having my own kids isn't in the cards and I can't help but imagine just a little what life would be like if I wasn't able to have that one special dream. I'm sure it's not healthy, but once the wheel starts turning, it's so hard to stop it. I'm not ready to give up, not by a long shot, but sometimes worry starts to set in.

A new emotion I've been having lately, has been intense jealousy. Well it starts as anger and then I realize I'm angry because I'm jealous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have these emotions in the first place, for a stupid reason, and something so personal as pregnancy loss. I know I need to let my emotions and feelings flow and out as they come, but I hate feeling angry and jealous, it's not my natural state, especially when it's in reference to people close to me.
I just want to be better. I just want a baby. It sucks to have to track, monitor, worry, record, have a fertility tracker in my phone, predict, be disappointed, be jealous, be angry, be sad. Sometimes I wish life came with a magic wand.