Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Pissed Off

I am so beyond angry right now. It has been a horrible day, between stupid things at work and I was right, no baby. My period came today. I'm such an odd mix of angry and hurt and disappointed right now. I was trying to keep the attitude that Ken has "Expect the worst, hope for the best" but I honestly can't keep that little glimmer of hope in the back of my head, especially when I was so close to being late. I kept trying to convince myself both ways so I wouldn't get really upset, but that obviously didn't work.  I know the window of getting pregnant every month is so short, but no matter what day, what part of the week, tracking ovulation, leaving it up to God, not caring, caring too much, for the 3rd month of actively trying and all I keep getting is hurt more and more. I know it can take up to 6 months, up to year honestly, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't want it to take a year, 6 months, 3 more months. This does not get easier.
And my due date is coming up. Thank goodness it falls on a Saturday, at least I won't be at work thinking about it all day.

I just want to be over all this. Over the stress, over the grief, over the worry, over the constant reminders, over the pain, over the financial burden from the D&C, over the little bit of hope left in my heart, over it all! I want to move on! I wish I could erase this chapter of my life, ask for a do over. Ugh. I want my husband.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sad

I'm almost 99% sure there is no baby, no pregnancy this month. Does this disappointment ever get easier?

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Conflicted

I feel so guilty and such a bad friend right now. I got a message from a dear friend of mine last night over facebook, asking what she should do, she thinks she had a miscarriage at about 2 weeks or so. She had goggled images and symptoms, and was really upset because she was happy about being pregnant and had been excited. She asked me for my advice since she didn't really know anyone else who would understand and her husband is away for Air Force training.
I feel conflicted because while I gave her the best advice I could under the circumstances (it's kind of hard to tell her anything since both of mine were farther along), I found myself upset and angry that she even asked. I know that not many women my age have had miscarriages, and I'm glad she asked, but the whole situation left me bitter. My heart hurts for her pain, and she has been nothing but supportive in my losses, but I couldn't help but find myself angry; she has two kids why does she want to get pregnant again already? If you think 2 weeks is hard and painful, try 5 and 10 weeks; how insensitive can she be?
Which of course, my anger and hurt turned into guilt, I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be jealous, I'm glad she came to me during such a hard time....

UGH. I so dearly love my husband. He makes everything better. We cuddled afterward and fell asleep, and he just made me feel better in general. Stil feeling bad today but trying to keep her perspective and be a better friend.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Continued

Nausea has continued, but has become more mild. I hope that's not a bad sign. Sunday I was cooking and had a big wave of nausea after inhaling the smell, but was fine after a moment. Today I tried to eat a food I've eaten plenty of times before and couldn't eat it, it was suddenly way too salty. My coworker gave me the wiggly eyebrows again when I said that, but I'm honestly trying not to hope. I want to test but I know I shouldn't. I guess I'll update about my tummy as times goes on.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Possible

Well I have been feeling slightly nauseated at random times for the last 2 weeks. Last Wednesday, the 31st, I felt qeuasy most of the night and then threw up that night after going to bed. Stayed home Thursday, and was still super sick. Friday went to work and felt half and half, sick and ok. Now the nausea will come and go at random times. Several times over the last week I'll move at work and get a wave of "oh my goodness". Then I'm fine. Yesterday I ate a popsicle and right afterward had a wave of nausea again, and 5 minutes later I was fine. It's been kind of strange, and the coworker I work with the most gave me the raised eyebrows several times yesterday, as in "Roxanne, are you...maybe... huh huh??" which made me laugh. She knows Ken and I are trying, and I told her I'm trying not to hope.
Just the sequence is weird right? I can understand feeling sick on Wednesday and part of Thursday was maybe food poisoning. But the rest of this week, at random times? Maybe I'm not eating enough? But if that's true, why would I get sick for a few minutes after eating something and then be fine? It's been 2 weeks since my period, so I won't have anything to miss for a while longer. I'm curious but I'm not going to waste my last pregnancy test just yet. I think I'll wait another 2 weeks if my period doesn't come by the 7th or so, then I'll test. Hm...