Saturday, December 17, 2011

December Update

No baby this month either. My fertility tracker is awesome though, it's right on schedule and correct. It predicted that I would either start my period today or be late, and it was right. It's really nice to be able to have the tracker, it makes it so much easier to remember everything and predict when I could or should take a pregnancy test. It's been 5 months or so since we've started TTC again, so I'm not sure what's going on. Bad timing maybe? I think I'm going to give it until the end of January until I see the doctor. It won't be quite 6 months until then, so I figure 6 months is long enough to maybe try to get some answers.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Doing Well For A Change

On Thursday, I had the opportunity to work in the infant room (instead of the pretod room, ages 1 year to 2 years, which is my home room) pretty much all day. It was a nice change of pace, and it was one of my easiest days that I've ever had. It was so nice to just focus on playing, bottle feeding, soothing, cooing, and pouring love onto the babies. We had 8 that day, so a full room, and the babies ranged from 2 months to 11 months. I wasn't sure in the morning how I was going to feel about everything, but I enjoyed my day so much, it was such a relief. Being in the baby room melted away a lot of stress for me, and the teachers in the infant room I like a lot.
At one point I was playing with a 4 month old (while holding/cooing to a 2 month old to calm her down), putting a blanket on her face, and taking it away, saying boo, and dangling it on her face so the blanket tickled her cheeks. The 4 month old loved it so much, it was the first time I had heard her laugh. I kept giggling, and thought to myself "this is awesome, I can't wait to do this stuff with my own baby" then stopped for a second, and just for a moment, was intensely proud of myself. I wasn't dwelling on what I didn't have, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset at what could have been. I was just happy, joyful, excited about the future.
I talked about the situation with Ken the next day when we met for lunch, and he kind of had a "ok that's cool" attitude, but I understand, and told him so, that it's sometime difficult for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking regarding baby loss or the future, because we dealt with our losses so differently, obviously. And he understood, and I know he tries, he makes an effort to understand, but it is so different, our points of view. It's become a lot easier to talk to him about things, how I'm feeling, which has made things a little easier.
I finally feel like I'm on the right track, that the healing is here and active. It's crazy to think that it's already almost been a year since everything. This month will be a year since my first miscarriage, and in March it will be a year since my second. Wow. I wonder if I should hold some sort of private reflection time or a candle lighting or something for these anniversaries. Something to think about I guess. Please let me know if joining me in whatever I decide to do is something you'd be interested in. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Weird

I found a new application for my phone which is helping me track my ovulation, sex days, and period. I had another app on Ken's phone, but I like this one better. Not only is it on my phone, but it also has a lot more detail. It predicts ovulation, and it's set up where if I want (but I'm not doing it) is track my BBT, and CM. After inputting what I had on Ken's phone app into mine, I've discovered that my period has a trend of coming every 3 weeks, and has been consistently like that since June since I've started tracking it. Interesting point to bring up if I need to with the doctor.

I've been feeling weird these last two days. Ken and I went shopping for Christmas stuff yesterday (Saturday) and after some stressful looking at finances and a lot of thinking, we left the store and I had to fight back tears. But I don't know why I wanted to cry, but I had this overwhelming urge to just bawl. I was in a funky, depressed mood after we got home, and it was hard to feel happy. I don't know why I felt that way, yes I was stressed about money, but I usually don't cry at stuff like that. And today I had the same feeling just suddenly, after a great day and when Ken and I were snuggling on the couch. I just all of a sudden got super sad and wanted to cry I don't really understand. I don't think it's PMS since my period just ended on the 24th. If I'm not pregnant, then I should expect my period next week, the week of the 11th sometime. I guess time will tell.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Grief Work and An Update

Day 27: Share a picture.







This is my pregnancy test from my first pregnancy.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Not quite sure exactly what this means, but I don't think so. I don't think I've ever corrected someone or wished I had.

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
This is kind of a complicated question since my faith has wavered in recent years. I do believe with at least some shred of my inner being, that my children are in heaven, and I will see them again, but at the same time this is hard to believe since they were so young, and what I believe wholeheartedly is complicated. This isn't coming out the way I want it to. 

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
To allow myself what I feel, and begin each new days with hope. 

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your grief?
Yes I really do think it has helped, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to definitely.

Update:

No baby again this month, but I can say I'm not nearly as sad as I have been previously. I am sad, but I haven't cried or anything. I think if nothing happens in December (which will be 6 months of actively trying) I might make an appointment to talk with Dr Graman to talk about what else (if anything I can do and maybe help assuage my fears or maybe rule out problems). I think talking to him will help. I know it take 3-6 months for normal couples, but at the end of 6 months I might be a little more worried or fearful. I guess we'll see what happens next month.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Grief Work

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?
I do, just random ones, or random lyrics in songs that have nothing to do with baby loss. Today, actually, I was listening to "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella, and I couldn't help but think that my dream of babies, having babies, is the wish my heart is making, and I hoped so hard right at the line "It will come true". That's just one instance, I get reminders in songs a lot.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Told people. I wouldn't have told as many people about my second pregnancy so I wouldn't have to retell the pain of how and why I lost that pregnancy. I don't regret the telling of everyone of the first pregnancy, because it was such a joyous occasion, and that feeling was worth it.

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and to be angry, and to be depressed and sad, whatever I felt at the time.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?Again, just allowing myself to feel whatever I need to or do feel at the time. It helps.

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
I'd say a 7 1/2. I'm hopeful, I'm not dwelling, I miss my babies but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Grief Work

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I do when I need to, which hasn't been very often lately. I give myself time to cry, to reflect, to think, to hope and wonder, cry some more, whatever I need. Obviously I can't give myself all the time in the world, but when I need it, I do.

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
This is a weird question, I don't know. I don't know if I can explain my thinking on this either.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Puts me at peace... I don't think so, not yet. Not something where I can think about it, look at it, whatever, and feel ok again. I don't think I'm at that point yet.

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
With my first loss, having my first positive pregnancy test, and telling my family and Ken's that we were expecting. With my second loss, going to the doctor and seeing my baby on the sonogram, knowing everything was going well and that I had a baby, growing and alive, in me.

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
That other people, seemingly everyone, has had easy pregnancies  and so easy at conceiving, one time and BAM! There is a perfect pregnancy. That everyone I know with kids, seems like everything is so easy, and Ken and I have had such a difficult time with conceiving this time, and keeping our pregnancy 2 previous times. That we have been trying for over a year and still no glimmer of hope. That I now have to pay for a procedure (6 months we've been paying and we still owe about $2000) that I never wanted and never should have happened. That Ken and I are even having trouble conceiving now. A lot of things.

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
That for 5 weeks of the last year, I was more happy than I had been in a long time, because I was pregnant. Ken and I were having a baby. I know my babies didn't stay, but I still love them, and giving me that tremendous amount of happiness, even for a short time, was an amazing gift. I will always smile knowing that. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Grief Work

I went to Babies R Us today to pick out some presents for a good friend of mine who is having a baby boy in late January. I knew going it might be a little difficult, but I needed to go so I went. I was fine about 90% of the time in store, and only had a minor freak out/heartache being surrounded by baby items and babies. I had to breathe a little when I got back to my car, but overall I think I did fine. It was my first time in any baby related store (I still choose not to go into the baby sections of Walmart or Target), and I think it went ok. Kind of proud of myself. Now onto my grief work.
........
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Lately I've been having good days, which I think is progress. I can openly talk about my experiences about my miscarriages (although not going into too much detail) and not get too choked up or emotional, and reminders of babies or baby related things don't depress me as much.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
No other children, but our loss has definitely affected my marriage. I think my personal stress and grief being the mom made moving forward hard, because Ken doesn't relate as well, it wasn't as emotional a loss for him. Now we're struggling with TTC, and my stress and worry affects Ken which stresses him out. We're getting better, but we've had a couple rough patches.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
N/A

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Definitely. Ken was sad about the loss yes, but not nearly as deeply or as heartfelt (if that makes sense) as myself. And I understand that, guys aren't as connected to babies and pregnancy the same way. He grieved his own way and in his own time, as am I.

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
My family has felt really bad for me and had sympathy, and I know my loss has affected my mom deeply, if for the only reason that I'm hurting. It's kind of a subject we don't talk about, unless I bring it up. We aren't that close being so scattered all over the US and state, so maybe they don't know how to deal with it, or don't want to make me upset by mentioning it? Not sure.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
Our babies didn't have names, not knowing the gender makes it hard to name them beyond Baby Dudley. My mom does, I don't think anyone else does. And that's fine, I'm not offended.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel?
I have pictures on my computer of the pregnancy tests and I still have the sonogram(?) of my 10 week lost baby at 6 1/2 weeks. I also have their butterfly from the Rock and Walk in the nursery. I'm sure there will be more in years coming.

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
I guess I was supposed to do this starting October 1st, so the 15th of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was also my due date for my 10 weeks lost baby. I didn't do much; some personal grieving for myself and anyone else who has lost a child, some extra cuddles from Ken, and my normal Saturday routine.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Catch Up

I have been meaning to write for like a week and a half, and I keep forgetting or not having time. So much to cover and go over, it might come in parts.
............
Well, the most recent news is no baby this month again. Month 4 of TTC actively and no baby. I'm trying to not let it affect me, and just roll with whatever happens, happens. I was a lot less depressed about this month when I got my period for some reason, not sure. I may dive into this topic more later.
............
In other news, my sister in law and brother had their baby, Baby Ted (their baby was due a day before mine that I lost at 10 weeks), born October 16th. I drove over to Ellensburg the following weekend to visit the baby and them, and give them some stuff from a family friend. It was a good visit, and Katie and I talked a lot which we haven;'t really done previously. I only got sad for a couple minutes in a lull of conversation, which I was surprised by I guess. I wasn't sure how I would feel, and I know some of my family, mainly my mom, was worried about how it would go. I am genuinely happy for them, they deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm very happy they get to experience it.
................
My mom wants me to try some sort of therapy, to help me deal with all the stress and emotions I've had with my pregnancy losses and now struggle (sort of) to get pregnant again. She's found hypnotherapy, and I still need to research it. I'm not sure if it will work, or if I'm even in to it, but short of seeing a psychologist, this may work. I still need to research it before I take the plunge, I'm still not entirely sure.
...............
I think this is enough for now, I'll catch up my Grief Writings later today, I know I'm way behind, and I really want to finish it.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Grief and a Due Date

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Um, normally I say none yet, just because most people who ask don't really want to get into my story of my miscarriages and my pain behind all that. At least I assume that anyway. I have no problem sharing my story, but I don't think it's appropriate all the time to be sharing, especially when that question is asked. Hopefully soon I will be able to answer "3. I had two miscarriages but then was blessed with this amazing little baby".

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Well this year I participated in the TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk with a good friend of mine and her family. The TEARS Foundation is a non profit that through donations, helps grieving families with headstones, Moses baskets, and funeral arrangements for their deceased children. My friends and family helped me raise almost $600 for the non profit, and we went to the actual event, where my babies names were on a reader board, and the organization made butterflies with the baby's name and decorated it around the stadium where we walked. We saved our butterfly and it is currently hanging in the nursery. I would like to continue to be involved with the organization. I think it's an amazing way to help other people and a way to honor both my angels too.
 This is the day of the walk, all the butterflies are the names of babies that have been lost through stillbirth, infant death, or pregnancy lost just that year.They went all around Cheny Stadium.
 Our butterfly that they made for us and we kept. It is now in the nursery.
Ken and I with our butterfly.

.............

So on another note, I feel weird today. In the back of my head, I want to cry, do nothing all day, but I've been trying to stay busy so I'm not dwelling either. Today is my due date for my miscarriage of 10 weeks. I feel kind of numb. Maybe I should be more sad, maybe I should do something to honor the day, do I do anything about today at all? Today I should already have a baby, or be waiting for the cue to go to the hospital. I think I'm going to need extra cuddles from Ken today.

It doesn't help that today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Day 5

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

I get subtle and glaringly obvious reminders of my losses it seems every day. Every time I get a new baby in my room at work, or I go into the infant room for a break, and I get reminded of what I don't have right now. Or the fact that my sister in law s having a baby any day now, or that a dear friend is also having a baby in Jan. That can be hard sometimes. There are more subtle reminders, like people asking if I have kids yet, when am I going to have kids, or seeing kids clothes in the stores when I go grocery shopping. Some songs on my iPod that have nothing to do with loss remind me of my loss. There's lot of little things that remind me that are also totally escaping me right now.
I guess it's about half and half for what I mind and what I don't mind when it comes to reminders. Sometimes it's welcome, sometimes it's all I can do to hold back my tears. It really depends on the day and what has been going on with my personal grief lately for which way a reminder will make me feel. 
...............
There was a contest for the best of western Washington and there was a vote for best charity. I voted for The Tears Foundation for best charity, as it helps local families give headstones and Moses baskets to their lost infants, and help with funeral arrangements. I gave my reason why I voted as "As a parent of loss, the Tears Foundation helped me in my loss and made the pain a little less. It's great to help other families too". And since, I've been kind of struggling with the term "Parent". Yes in the back of my mind, I believe I'm a parent, sort of, but it doesn't seem like a reality to me. Like I believe it but I don't at the same time. Very weird feeling.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Grief Process Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I guess the only thing is possibility. There is the possibility that I will have a baby, that my fertility is still in control and the possibility of all the things that could happen.  It's hard to express really.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Grief Process

It's been about 3 days since I said I would start this, so I'm going to answer 3 days questions today.

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a 24 year old woman living in WA with my husband Ken (married almost 4 years) and brother in law Andy and 3 fur babies. I love reading, watching movies, the color red, taking pictures, and reality TV. I work full time as a toddler teacher in a daycare, and have my BA in Elementary Education.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
I have 2 angel babies, one I lost at 5 weeks in Dec 2010, and one at 10 weeks in March 2011. We never named either of the babies, beyond Baby Dudley. Ken and I are still trying for our first live birth child.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My mom definitely. My husband has helped definitely in being there for me, but he doesn't understand my personal grief completely, which I understand, he's a man, having a baby is a different experience for him.
My mom though has helped me through every step of trying to conceive, sharing my happy news, and holding me up when I've crumpled from my loss, not once but twice. She's helped me raise money to help other families affected by infant and pregnancy loss, she's heard my fears and anxiety about being pregnant and subsequently becoming pregnant again, she's wiped away my many tears,she held my hand through my D&C, every aspect of my pregnancies and losses, she has been there. I would be in a whole different part of my grief if I didn't have my mom in this process. I thank her every day for everything she does, and I think she understands, but my gratitude extends beyond what I can say in words. I love you mom, and thank you so very much for everything.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

I think  this is something that will help me, especially in the coming weeks as my due date comes up. I may not write each day about the specific question, but I do want to complete the 31 questions.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Again?

I have a small suspicion that I had another miscarriage. I woke up on Wednesday morning, getting ready for work, and I've noticed over the past 3 months of TTC, my periods have been pretty heavy, heavier than they ever were before I was pregnant or anything. So I'm going through the motions, and pottying, and there were clots. They had a weird look to them, more solid than normal period clots would be, or that I've seen periods before. It strangely resembled the after effects of my first miscarriage, but I never had any cramping, and definitely not the "wringing me in half" type cramps from my first miscarriage.

I guess I'll never know. My August period started on the 27th, and so did my Sept, so I was technically a day before being late. I never took a test though, I was waiting to be a few days late before I used my last test.
I never knew I would struggle this much with trying to have a baby. Who knew that TTC was so stressful, so worrysome? Ken and I had a fight last night, that started mild and progressed into deeper issues. Ken has this weird idea that I don't love him any more, that I'm only putting up with him so that I can have a baby. TTC and this baby loss has definitely put a strain (although mild) on our marriage, and I hate that. I know we're fine, and marriage is always a work in progress, but both being depressed and the emotional strain of this is difficult. Why do we have to struggle? Why is the one thing we both want so badly the thing we are having the most trouble with? I guess I just want a little understanding, some questions answered once and for all.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Pissed Off

I am so beyond angry right now. It has been a horrible day, between stupid things at work and I was right, no baby. My period came today. I'm such an odd mix of angry and hurt and disappointed right now. I was trying to keep the attitude that Ken has "Expect the worst, hope for the best" but I honestly can't keep that little glimmer of hope in the back of my head, especially when I was so close to being late. I kept trying to convince myself both ways so I wouldn't get really upset, but that obviously didn't work.  I know the window of getting pregnant every month is so short, but no matter what day, what part of the week, tracking ovulation, leaving it up to God, not caring, caring too much, for the 3rd month of actively trying and all I keep getting is hurt more and more. I know it can take up to 6 months, up to year honestly, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't want it to take a year, 6 months, 3 more months. This does not get easier.
And my due date is coming up. Thank goodness it falls on a Saturday, at least I won't be at work thinking about it all day.

I just want to be over all this. Over the stress, over the grief, over the worry, over the constant reminders, over the pain, over the financial burden from the D&C, over the little bit of hope left in my heart, over it all! I want to move on! I wish I could erase this chapter of my life, ask for a do over. Ugh. I want my husband.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sad

I'm almost 99% sure there is no baby, no pregnancy this month. Does this disappointment ever get easier?

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Conflicted

I feel so guilty and such a bad friend right now. I got a message from a dear friend of mine last night over facebook, asking what she should do, she thinks she had a miscarriage at about 2 weeks or so. She had goggled images and symptoms, and was really upset because she was happy about being pregnant and had been excited. She asked me for my advice since she didn't really know anyone else who would understand and her husband is away for Air Force training.
I feel conflicted because while I gave her the best advice I could under the circumstances (it's kind of hard to tell her anything since both of mine were farther along), I found myself upset and angry that she even asked. I know that not many women my age have had miscarriages, and I'm glad she asked, but the whole situation left me bitter. My heart hurts for her pain, and she has been nothing but supportive in my losses, but I couldn't help but find myself angry; she has two kids why does she want to get pregnant again already? If you think 2 weeks is hard and painful, try 5 and 10 weeks; how insensitive can she be?
Which of course, my anger and hurt turned into guilt, I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be jealous, I'm glad she came to me during such a hard time....

UGH. I so dearly love my husband. He makes everything better. We cuddled afterward and fell asleep, and he just made me feel better in general. Stil feeling bad today but trying to keep her perspective and be a better friend.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Continued

Nausea has continued, but has become more mild. I hope that's not a bad sign. Sunday I was cooking and had a big wave of nausea after inhaling the smell, but was fine after a moment. Today I tried to eat a food I've eaten plenty of times before and couldn't eat it, it was suddenly way too salty. My coworker gave me the wiggly eyebrows again when I said that, but I'm honestly trying not to hope. I want to test but I know I shouldn't. I guess I'll update about my tummy as times goes on.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Possible

Well I have been feeling slightly nauseated at random times for the last 2 weeks. Last Wednesday, the 31st, I felt qeuasy most of the night and then threw up that night after going to bed. Stayed home Thursday, and was still super sick. Friday went to work and felt half and half, sick and ok. Now the nausea will come and go at random times. Several times over the last week I'll move at work and get a wave of "oh my goodness". Then I'm fine. Yesterday I ate a popsicle and right afterward had a wave of nausea again, and 5 minutes later I was fine. It's been kind of strange, and the coworker I work with the most gave me the raised eyebrows several times yesterday, as in "Roxanne, are you...maybe... huh huh??" which made me laugh. She knows Ken and I are trying, and I told her I'm trying not to hope.
Just the sequence is weird right? I can understand feeling sick on Wednesday and part of Thursday was maybe food poisoning. But the rest of this week, at random times? Maybe I'm not eating enough? But if that's true, why would I get sick for a few minutes after eating something and then be fine? It's been 2 weeks since my period, so I won't have anything to miss for a while longer. I'm curious but I'm not going to waste my last pregnancy test just yet. I think I'll wait another 2 weeks if my period doesn't come by the 7th or so, then I'll test. Hm...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lately...

I had another baby dream, but not about a baby. This time I was 9 months pregnant, about to pop. I remember touching, rubbing my baby belly, thinking about happy I was.

...........

All of this is so hard. All I think about, literally, unless I am doing a task, is on being pregnant, a baby, the possibility, thinking what if, thinking what's wrong if anything, dreaming...
I guess it used to be all my thoughts were on my passed babies, and now I'm focused all my thoughts on the future, what could happen. Please, give me some sort of sign, this and these feelings are too intense.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I HATE THIS

I hate this. I hate this with every fiber of my being. Why? What am I doing wrong? What are we doing wrong? Just when I have  tiny shred of hope that something happened, and am having a great day with friends, does my period have to come in and ruin it. I am so disappointed, frustrated, pissed off, hurt.... both sides of this spectrum absolutely suck. Waiting for conception. Conception happening and then trying to keep it. Why is having a baby such a hard experience for me? Why after a whole month nothing has happened. I can't help but feel so jealous of other women and their easy fertility. Bam, one time and it happens. Not for me. But when? Will it ever? Will I have unexplained infertility? Is this a complication that never manifested itself until now fro the D&C? I know I can deal with the stress and the fear of another miscarriage, but now the problem is conceiving. Why is this so hard? All I want is to understand. To understand why this is happening, when will I get pregnant again, what if anything am I doing wrong? I don't know if I can take much more this end of the month disappointment. This is one of the most horrible feelings I've ever had in my life.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Hope

It's been a while since I've written, and as far as I know, things have been good on the baby business. I'm kind of crossing my fingers with this month. It's been all of August, and part of July and I'm kind of holding my breath. I guess we will see in a couple more weeks if anything is brewing or not.
There seems to be a lot of miscarriage talk lately, through TV, things on facebook, and people talking. It's almost weird. There was an episode of The Big C on tonight, and one of the main characters lost her baby in a later miscarriage (I'm guessing around 20ish weeks) and threw a funeral for her baby. The main character gave a great eulogy, about how even though the baby was lost early, too soon gone, it gave her parents a brief time where they were happier than any other time in their lives. It really hit me that yes, those 10 weeks (4 weeks if you measure from when I found out to the loss) I was pregnant the second time and the one week I was pregnant the first time were the happiest moments of my life, besides obvious ones like meeting/marrying Ken and the like.
Also today there was a post through The Compassionate Friends website about miscarriage, which I loved. Here is the article:

August 19, 2011
Ken Harbaugh is a former Navy pilot and an NPR commentator.
It has been three months since the miscarriage. We weren't far along, still in the first trimester, so only our closest friends knew we were expecting.
Annmarie, my wife, is fine. At least, her body is fine. There is something broken in both of us, though.
My wife and I have every reason to be grateful. The miscarriage happened early on. Annmarie was never in danger. We have two beautiful girls already. If we want, we can still have more. But the whole experience left us wondering how one deals with a tragedy that happens quietly at home.
A few weeks before we lost the baby, my wife's grandfather died. His funeral, like any other, was solemn. But also beautiful. Everyone came — all 10 kids, from across the country. Distant relatives, co-workers, people from church stopped by to pay their respects. They mourned alongside the family. We buried Grandpa Kel that afternoon, and woke the next morning with the memory of a beautiful send-off.
There is a reason that such ceremonies exist. Who knows if it meant anything to Grandpa, lying in his coffin, but it meant a lot to everyone else. I gave him my gold Navy wings, pinned to an American flag laid on his chest. He was the only other Navy pilot in the family, and I felt the need to solemnize that connection. Others said goodbye in their own way. Some talked to him, some knelt for a while by his side. Most important, we all said farewell together.
A miscarriage is tragic enough by itself. What makes it worse is the fact that no social custom has evolved to help us through the loss. There is no ceremony, no coming together, no ritualized support. Annmarie and I suffered alone, in silence. Most of our friends had no idea we were grieving. It took me two weeks to tell my own mom.
And it's not as if life stopped, or even slowed down to allow us a moment to reflect. We had jobs to get to, kids to take care of. Real sadness seemed an indulgence we could not afford.
In the months since, I have learned something about this kind of grief. It is not a luxury, but an essential part of healing. So this weekend, after the kids are in bed, Annmarie and I will do something that may seem a little crazy. We will head into the garden with a bulb we've been saving. We will bury it, say a few words, and hold each other. We will finally have our ceremony.
I suspect that watching the first green shoot push up through the earth will hurt. Every time we see it, we will be reminded of what happened to us. But that's alright. Grief cannot be buried forever. With enough time, and a little sunlight, it might just transform itself into something that aches a little less.

I kind of want to do something like that now, maybe not a tree, but some pretty flowering plant or a special candle or something of significance. I'm still thinking of exactly what it should be, but something. I think I need something like that to help.
So I guess now it's a waiting game to see what will happen, a period or two pink lines. I still have a pregnancy test under the sink in my bathroom, and I'm hoping I won't have to buy more, that thise last one will be it. Please be it.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Different

Is it weird to say that just recently I've been feeling like my life changed forever because of losing 2 babies to miscarriage? Like on the surface, I knew I was a changed person, but up until yesterday and today, it's really sunk in that my life will never be the same, and I will never be the same person I was before October 2010. Grief is so strange. I mist edit this later to include more, but my hand is acting up making it hard to type.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Dr Graman

I had my appointment with Dr Graman today in Enumclaw, and I found myself a new baby doctor! He was awesome, and the whole clinic is great. It took a little bit to be called back, maybe about 20 minutes, but that was including paperwork and health history. Took less than 5 minutes for him to get back to the room, and he just listened while I told my story and gave him dates and time and everything that has happened in the last 8+ months. I told him I wanted a second opinion based on what happened with Dr Jung. He reassured me (without even having paperwork from Dr Jung, but they should have it in the next few days) that I should be optimistic, and that he's optimistic. He doesn't see any reason why number 3 won't be healthy and successful. He said after I get a missed period, I can see him around 6-8 weeks for an ultrasound, and will have an appointment every two weeks from there until whenever to make sure everything is on track and help me with my fear. He addressed my fears, and also said that taking progesterone (that Dr Jung said would help and prescribed) won't hurt me, but probably won't help either because of the fact that the second pregnancy was lost at 10 weeks. I guess the progesterone would help if both my pregnancies ended around 5-8 weeks, but because the second was 10, he doesn't see a need for it or that it will help or be a magic pill to give me a baby. He said that I have about a 26 day cycle, which is good to know... we had like a 20 minute meeting, and he said a lot which is now escaping my mind, but he was overall very kind, understanding, LISTENED to me, and even said if I have any questions any time, I can call and we can chat over the phone, I don't have to make an appointment. Over the phone, with a doctor, not a receptionist! I really understand the importance of referrals from patients, not an ER doctor. I would recommend him to any woman having a baby, I'm sold! I have a new baby doctor! Big thank you to my sister for telling me to go to him (and they even remembered who she was, just from a name, which usually doesn't happen, so that was a plus).

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Frustrated

Just when I begin to be a little bit hopeful, they get dashed to dust. My period came today. Although I kind of have a suspicion that it could be another early miscarriage. It's only been 3 weeks since my last period, and there have been tiny clots. I don't usually clot, not that I remember anyway. I guess there is no way to know for sure, but this morning the disappointment came swift. All I wanted to do this morning was cry. It's so difficult to have this much disappointment all the time.
My story on the website facesofloss.com finally showed up. I'm about the 5th story down on the page, so you'll have to scroll a little to find it. Any of the stories are great, I've read a lot on the website and while kind of heart wrenching, it helps my healing process knowing that there have been other people who have gone through the same thing. Here is the link:
http://facesofloss.com/

Thursday, July 28, 2011

More Dreams

I had another dream last night, very vivid again, but not about a baby this time. It was kind of complicated, bu the part that's relevant to this blog is that I dreamed I got my period, and I remember the feeling of devastation I felt and sobbing for what seemed like a long time. I haven't gotten it yet, and I think (according to the MyDays app) it will be another week before I can expect a period. I wake up every day with holding my breath, hoping and wishing nothing happened during the night. I have a feeling I'm pregnant, but I'm really trying not to be too optimistic.
I did make an appointment for Dr Graman, for the 9th. Told the receptionist that I wanted to talk to him about my options and what he thinks should be the next course of action given my history, and that I'd like to try to have him be my new baby doctor. I know I need to call Dr Jung and ask them to send me copies of my paperwork so I can bring it to the appointment. I hope it goes well, and I hope things will be ok at the appointment. I guess I'll posting again after the appointment and update on how it goes.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Faces of Loss, Faces Of Hope

There is a friendship group system on the website I found "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope". I looked to see if there was a group that met somewhere around here in Washington, and unfortunately there isn't one in the whole state. I'm thinking of starting a group here in Tacoma, and be a group leader. I like the idea of coming together as women who have suffered through the same thing and helping each other heal and go through our grief. The site says I have to make a commitment to being a leader for 6 months, and I don't even know if I would have a group if I did start one, I can't have a group by myself, and I don't really know anyone else who has suffered through a loss. I'm kind of torn about whether or not I should try to start one. I have bookmarks the application page, and I think I'll consider it for a few more days before I make a decision. It sounds like it could be really cool,  but I don't want it to fail or not even start because of lack of people. Something to think about I guess.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dreams

I had the most vivid dream last night about having a baby. It was a little baby girl, with a flowered onesie shirt, and pink pants. I don't think she had a name at least that I can remember, but I saw her (about 3 months old in the dream), myself, and Ken very clearly. Ken and I had a talk about where she should sleep, in a crib or a playpen, and I remember the weight of holding her in my arms, the softness of her skin. A close friend of mine just told me she had a dream with me having a baby boy recently too, which is really cool I think. I was also slightly sick on Monday, some mild nausea, but I don't know if it means anything or just something bad I ate.
I'm really trying not to get my hopes up in case it doesn't happen this month, and I'm trying not to wish too much or too hard. Getting the "no baby this month" disappointment hurts so much, especially when I've been hopeful in the past. I think I have another 2-3 weeks before I can expect my period, and I need to make an appointment with Dr Graman really bad. I've been waiting until I've been at my new job for a while so the request for some time off isn't denied. I've been there about a month so I need to ask soon so I can make an appointment. I guess we'll see how things go in the coming weeks.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Not Ashamed

I just submitted my loss story to the website "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope", which is kind of a online support group for women who have suffered through a loss through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, etc. They say my story will be published on the site within 7 days, and I'll post another link once it's up. Here is the website.

http://facesofloss.com/

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Calling All Angels

After finding a random blog today through this site, I found a family who lost a son at 3 1/2 months, and the mom put up this song. It really touched my heart, so I had to share. The family in the video isn't the same as the one from the blog, but they have also been touched by loss.
Here are the lyrics:

A quiet voice is calling my name
I hear you laughing, but the question remains
Are you playing and dancing above?
Mamma's aching to give you her love

There's a smile I can't wait to see
A lullaby that you'd love to sing
Just to know I'll hold you again
Is the gift I'll hold until then

Chorus
Calling All Angels, I need to feel
Something familiar, something real
Am I just dreaming, I close my eyes
I feel you near, I feel you inside
Just to call you're name
And know that you're still there
Calling All Angels

I know the plan was having you here
Sometimes what's best is so unclear, but
Baby boy put your hand in mine
While I walk through the fire that refines

Repeat Chorus

Father of us all you know the reason that he's gone
He's in my heart, but in your arms

Repeat Chorus

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Baby Names

I've been doing a lot of research over the past few weeks and I've come up with a list of a lot of the names I like and their meanings, meant to be sort of inspirational. These could be first or middles, and  obviously Ken needs to agree, but these are the ones I've liked the most with the right spellings, and I've bolded the ones I really like.

       Girl:                                                                       Boy:
Abigail - Father in rejoicing                           Isaiah - God is salvation
Joanne – God is gracious                              Joshua - God rescues
Joy - Joy; jubilation                                       Nathanael - Gift of god
Elizabeth - My God is a vow                            Samuel - His name is God
Serah – Princess                                              Alexander - Defending men
Victoria - Conqueror; victory                        Ethan - Strong, firm, impetuous
Samantha – Listener                                         Benjamin - Son of my right hand
Grace - Good will                                          Owen (?) - Well born, yew born
Michelle (?) - Who is like God                         Logan – From the Hollow
April (?) – Open                                           
Mae (?)– the fifth month of the year

The question marks are obviously ones I'm really not sure about, and the name Abigail Joanne is really starting to grow on me. I love both the meanings, and Joanne being a family name makes it all the more special. For a boy I still really like Logan Alexander, but Logan Nathanael is starting to grow on me too. I like the meaning of Nathanael, and it's a name Ken has always liked. Might play with the spelling a bit though, the more I look at this spelling, it looks weird.

I told a coworker this week that I've has 2 miscarriages, but I didn't go into any other detail besides that, so I'm pretty sure at least some people at work know now. No one has said anything about it, and I haven't been there long yet, so I don't know if the whole story will come out eventually or not.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Disappointment

Not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed yesterday. My period came yesterday with full vengeance, and my heart sunk a little (a lot) at the sight. No baby this month. I was trying not to be optimistic, that whole saying of Ken's "Expect the worst, hope for the best", but I couldn't help but be a little optimistic and I was excited to test since nothing had happened yet. On Saturday we talked about pregnancy testing at the end of this week... Well that solved itself I guess. This entire process and ordeal over the last almost 8 months is so frustrating! I hate that I feel anger toward this situation and our struggles, but I can't help but be pissed off and hurt that Ken and I do not have a baby yet. Why is this so difficult? Why can't the one thing we want most in life go right? I honestly hate this.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Happy Yet Sad

Well the Dudley household will be growing by one come late July/early August. But not in the form of a baby... my little brother in law Andy is coming to stay with Ken and I for a while for a change of pace. Obviously so, I can't give him the office, so he'll be sharing the nursery with the crib and baby clothes in the closet. I've been cleaning it out and organizing the room and closet for his arrival, and knew I had to organize the closet especially so he has room for his things. I decided to take off all the hangers from my purchased baby clothes and put them in the top portion of the small dresser we have in the closet. I forgot how many clothes I've actually bought, and without the dresser/changing table being put together yet, that had to take up a large chunk of the closet as well. As I was taking all the hanging clothes off the hangers to store them, I was faced with an odd feeling. Remorse almost? Extreme sadness? I remember buying every one of those outfits, and how I felt at the time to be buying them. And not being able to use them yet made me a little depressed. I have at least 30 new outfits in neutral and boy colors, and 3 big boxes of stuff for girls that I received second hand from Amy. I'm happy Andy is coming to join our little family, but looking at all the clothes made me sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's frustrating to have random grief feelings pop out of no where. I should be able to go into my nursery and put away baby clothes without getting depressed. I did hang up the butterfly we got from the TEARS Rock and Walk on one of the walls, I like it a lot.
 The butterfly in honor of our angle babies that is now in the nursery.
Ken and I at the 2011 TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk.

Monday, June 20, 2011

TTC #3

Well, it's official, Ken and I are trying to conceive again. 3rd times a charm right? I ended up getting my progesterone prescription early just in case, and also because as of this Friday, we will not have insurance for a month. I'm not sure if I'll keep posting as often if I do get a positive test, I kind of want to keep it quiet. But on the other hand, keeping this blog has really helped with my emotions and thoughts during this trying time, and I don't know if stopping would be beneficial, especially if I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't know, I guess I'll have to play it by ear, see how I feel as I go. Now it's just a wait and see game, I know it can take like 4 weeks for me to get a positive test. According to Ken's phone app, My Days, my period should come at the end of this month, so I guess we'll see if it's late. I'm still really nervous about trying, but I don't know if I'll ever be ready if I wait. I have to take a leap of faith, trust God, trust my doctor, and trust myself that everything will be ok.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Promising

First things first, thank you to everyone who reads this blog! Over 1,000 page views! I'm truly flattered and humbled that this many people would be interested in my story.
Things in this household are looking up. Ken just got a new job, and will be starting on Sunday the 26th. It's a better paying job, a little farther from home but still an easy commute, and has room for advancement which suits Ken just fine. The only unfortunate thing is that this means we will be without insurance for about a month until everything gets started up at his new job. I had to call in my prescription for progesterone because I'm almost positive that we'll be trying again this month, and I wanted to make sure we didn't have to pay out of pocket since I have to take it as soon as I get a positive test. Ken and I have talked it over and ultimately, our grand master plan, is for ken to work his way up the ladder at his new job, and for me to eventually become a stay at home mom. He's cashing out his 401K to pay off all of our debt (besides the house and loans obviously) and we're sticking the rest in savings, to create a nest egg for whatever comes our way.
..............
I've had a new idea over the past few weeks, and I've kind of introduced the idea to Ken, but it's not something we've talked about a whole lot yet. I want to have some sort of inspirational name, maybe as a middle, since we've had such a tough game of trying to have a baby. I'm thinking Joy, but there are so many factors. Has to be a girl (I don't know of any names like Hope or Joy for a boy lol) and it has to be the right first name. Our current girl name is Abigail, and I like the ring of Abigail Joy, but nothing is set in stone yet, just something I've been rolling around in my head. I want to research a little more too before we change the official name.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Decision Time

So I feel like a decision has to be made soon. I've just received my second monthly visitor and I feel like Ken and I need to make a decision as to whether to try again or wait a little longer. But I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I'm pretty sure I'm ready to start trying again. I know Ken is. But unfortunately with our financial situation, it doesn't make sense for us to try for a baby until I have steady employment. And the doctor my mom and sister want me to see, Dr Graman in Enumclaw, is on vacation until the beginning of July. I wanted to talk to him to see what he recommends and see if I like him more and it's more convenient than Dr Jung. If I do that, that means we're waiting another month. Or do we try this month and call in the progesterone from Dr Jung then go see Dr Graman... can I switch my Dr while I'm still pregnant? Should I take the hormones if Dr Graman thinks I should't but Dr Jung thinks I should? How can I ask Dr Jung to send over all my paperwork so Dr Graman knows whats been going on since October?
I have another job interview tomorrow, and it feels like a lot is riding on this. If I get it, I think I'll be more likely to try this month. If not, I'm pretty sure we're going to wait. UGH. And knowing all this in the back of my head is not how I want to be in an interview. Well I guess I'll post back tomorrow and maybe then I'll have more answers.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Stress Is The Name Of The Game

Have I mentioned lately that I'm stressed? Well if I haven't, then here I am saying it. I'M STRESSED!!
We recently got all of the final bills for my surgery, and I've been on the phone all day trying to get financial assistance and payment plans made up because our grand total out of pocket expenses (after insurance) are $2,430 and some odd change. Just seeing that number makes me cry a little. Ken tells me every day not to stress out over it, that we will get through this, but things seem a little bleak right now. And all this happens when I think I'm finally ready to start trying again. How is it being a responsible adult to try for a baby on an income where we can't even pay our bills and that's not counting the surgery ones? Lord, please help me on this one, I'm running out of steam and I don't know how much farther I can go. Life seems to be in shambles right now, and I don't know how to climb out of the pit that is my depression and stress. I don't know how to deal with all this and still try to be a good friend, to enjoy things in life, to be normal. I know there are those is much worse situations, but it's so hard when there isn't even hope around the corner. It's been such a 180 coming from where we were financially to now, and I hate it. Ken is currently working a 12 hour shift, because we need the money that bad. I HATE that he has to do this to keep us afloat. I hate that he says we can't dwell on the past and he'll do whatever it takes. I hate that I have no choice but to say "if you think you can, do it, please. We need this". Ken is a great man though, and I know he will bend over backwards or until he breaks to keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
..........
Onto other things I can't dwell on that for too long or else I'll break down. My acne has come back full force since my first pregnancy, and it's so annoying! I guess my extra hormones while pregnant made my acne go away and now it's back with a vengeance. Really not liking that.
..........
Ken found a cool app for his phone that tracks my period and predicts ovulation and fertility, which I started using yesterday and it's actually really cool. I think it will help with my memory and I've been using it to record everything, that way if a doctor has any questions about my history I can quickly refer to it for exact dates. I wish my phone was able to have it instead, but oh well.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk

I may have mentioned it before on here, but I am walking with the TEARS Foundation on June 11th in remembrance of my 2 angle babies. The TEARS Foundation is a nonprofit that helps families in WA pay for funeral expenses and headstones after the death of a child. It's a great cause, and one that's obviously very close to my heart. To my readers, if you could donate, even just 50 cents to my fund raising for this amazing cause would be much appreciated. Here are the links to learn about the TEARS Foundation, and a link to my fund raising page so I can help raise money for this amazing charity.
http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/roxannedudley/rememberingbabydudley

Thank you all for your continued support!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Perspectives

It's interesting how your whole perspective shifts during grief. Ken put an old tv in the bedroom, so we can watch movies at night before bed. Friday night I ended up watching "Sleepless in Seattle", a classic feel good movie for me growing up.
Until it came to the part where Sam (Tom Hanks) is on the phone with Dr Marsha Fieldstone, and she asks how he's coping a year and a half after his wife died, and what he's going to do.
From the movie: "Well I'm going to get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long. And after a while I wont have to remind my self to get out of bed and breathe in and out... and after a while I wont have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a little while."

This really struck me. I've seen the movie a million times, and as sad as that part is, I never truly understood it until a couple of days ago. All I could think was "Hm... wow, I actually really understand that". It didn't really make me sad, it just struck me hard in the pit of my stomach, how deeply I understand how he must have been feeling. How sometimes I do have to remind myself to breathe in and out.

So my second movie perspective came from "Steel Magnolias", another movie I've watched countless times growing up and love. I couldn't help but cry at the part where Shelby (Julia Roberts) explains why she almost didn't want to marry her fiance, she thought he was throwing his chance of having children out the window because she couldn't carry a child due to a chronic illness.
From the movie: "Jackson said, Shelby don't be stupid. There's lots of children out there that need good homes. We'll adopt ten of them. We'll buy them if we have to"
I couldn't help it, the tears welled up and spilled over, and Ken just gave me a hug. It hit a little too close to home, and it was a part I completely forgot about. I understand EXACTLY how Shelby felt at that moment, I've had fears that Ken won't want to be with me either if he can't be a father.

It's interesting how your whole perspective on life just shifts slightly due to grief, and how well I can relate to those characters in movies I love who are experiencing similar emotions and hardships through their grief. Grief is such a weird emotional roller coaster. There is no predictability whatsoever, and things that were fine 6 months ago now seem like a mountain that is impossible to climb. When will the load that is my grief get lighter, easier to carry?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Broken

I almost broke down in the middle of grocery shopping in Walmart yesterday. It was a very difficult weekend, between Ken and I having a major fight (which for us isn't even yelling, it's laying in bed crying together) dealing with things in our marriage, and the reality and finality of having only 2 more days of work I guess finally hit me. All of this: the miscarriages, my marriage going through a rough patch, and my job being over have really taken a toll on me. Between the stress I'm always carrying in the back of my mind, and the stress of my finances, it was almost like I couldn't go on, like I needed to just fall to my knees in the middle of the store. I feel so broken, like I'm trying to climb a vertical mountain 10 miles high. It doesn't get easier every day, it seems to get more difficult.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Perfect

I was driving to work today and right before getting on the highway, I received a couple of texts in response to ones I had sent the previous day. After reading and responding again, I was thinking about my miscarriages and my disappointment and anger and everything I've been feeling up until now. And I have another emotion to add to the list, it came up suddenly as I was thinking. Guilt. Not guilt in a way that I feel guilt that my miscarriages happened because I did or did not do something (which is there too, but not nearly as much anymore)... but guilt in the way that I'm disappointing people. I know so many of my family, friends, co-workers, want me to have a baby, are excited for me to, say all the time what I wonderful mom I will be, and I feel like I'm disappointing them by having these struggles with carrying. I never imagined having a baby would be something I'd struggle with, I always thought it would be perfect. I know it's impossible to have anything be perfect, or be a perfect person, but I honestly never thought I'd have a problem. And now that I do I almost feel bad for everyone, knowing they feel bad for me and wish me the best, and I can't give them what they expect of me. It's such a weird feeling, but it's one I can't shake.
..............
I want this to be over. I want to "get over it". I want to stop the random crying, the always thinking about it, the getting angry at people for things that are not their fault regarding children or pregnancy, the no one understanding. I want the fear to go, I want the intimacy back in my relationship with Ken (not just sex), I want to let go of all my bad feelings and hardened feelings, the shield I've built up around myself to be taken down, I want to be genuinely happy again. I want the guard on my heart to soften, the mask of happiness on my face to melt, and be true, not a facade. I want to wake up and have all this be a dream.
I am so grateful for my husband though. Ken is my rock, the force that keeps me grounded, my best friend, the only one I want to see or hear at the end of a long day. I miss him during the 8 hours we're apart for work, and seeings his pictures when he's not here makes me smile and my heart sing. I don't know what I'd do without him in this time of stress, fear, and unhappiness.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Heart Heart Heartbreak

I know this makes me a bad person, and probably a bad friend too, but I honestly can't help it. On my lunch break at work I was checking facebook as usual, and I got a big shock. A dear friend of mine from high school is pregnant. My honest first reaction was anger. And I hate that. I wish her all the best and I hope her baby is well, full term, healthy, all that she hopes and dreams. But it's not fair. Not fair at all. My first reaction may have been anger (not at her, but at the situation) but then my heart broke. It's so hard when people who I don't honestly think were trying or whatever, getting pregnant and having babies, and here I am, Ken and I have been struggling for over 6 months. I was upset when I went back to work, but driving home with nothing but my thoughts and my iPod, I started to cry. I can't help but be so depressed about all this, it's so hard to deal with. It's constantly in the back of my mind, like a nonstop itch that I can't get rid of. And I don't know how to heal, to get over it, to be ok again. No one I'm close with understands, and ken obviously has no clue what I'm feeling. It's like the world keeps turning and I;m the only one stuck in one spot, wondering how to go again.

Sad

This is a little late, but I need to write it nonetheless. I feel horrible. I called my mom on Mother's day to wish her a happy day, and she didn't answer (neither did Cyndi, sad) but she left me a voice mail the next day. My mom said that she appreciated me calling, but the day wasn't happy for her either. She said she kept thinking of me all day, wishing I could still be pregnant and celebrating with her. I appreciate her concern for me, and the obvious rough day I had, but it makes me also feel horrible at the same knowing that her day sucked because my day sucked. Bleh. I hate knowing that I was partly the reason my mom didn't get to enjoy Mother's Day. And I know it's not my fault but I still feel bad.

............
I haven't gone to the doctor yet, I want to wait a little more. And I think I'm going to another doctor, my older sister's doctor in Enumclaw. I want to meet with him first before I try to get pregnant again. I've decided at the start of next week too I'm going to start taking my prenatals again, to get my health back on track for when we are ready to try again. Things are still really uncertain here, but I think we're moving toward healing and getting closer to want to start trying.
.....
My friend Amy told me that there is an organized walk for the TEARS Foundation on June 11th, kind of a memorial thing and fundraiser for people who have lost children (the foundation helps parents pay for funeral expenses and graveside things like headstones for when a child dies.) and she's walking in commemoration of my two lost babies. I'm going to walk with her, and I think it will help. Anyone who is interested in walking with us is more than welcome, just let me know. June 11th, 10 am at Cheney Stadium here in Tacoma. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Conflicted

So today I got my first period after the D&C. And all day I've been feeling scared and conflicted. I want a baby so bad, but I'm scared of trying again. I honestly don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I haven't talked to the doctor yet since I had my blood tests done, so I guess that's step one. But I'm still scared to death in the back of my mind. I don't know what to do. I really hope it's an easy fix like my thyroid or the progesterone.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Morther's Day

As much as I love my mom, and my mom in law Cyndi, and appreciate all they do and what all the other mom's out there do, and especially those I love dearly, I wish it wasn't mother's day. It's kind of making me feel like crap to see all the happy Mother's Day posts on Facebook, and everyone posting about their kids birthday's, birth weights, how much they love them, etc. Or a person saying happy Mother's Day to everyone we work with besides me. I didn't expect to feel like this, and I don't want to ruin anyone's day with my depressive feelings, but this really sucks.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Compassionate Friends, Olympia Chapter

Tonight was my support group, my first meeting. It's called The Compassionate Friends, and there are chapters all over the country. It's a group for those who have experienced the loss of a child in their life... whether miscarriage, stillborn, child death, or death of a sibling (which there was a young man there with his mom, who lost a sister/daughter, which I thought was awesome they came together). I was a little upset at the possibility of not going due to car troubles, but it resolved itself and I made it to Olympia with extra time to get a small sandwich and a drink before the group. There was about 15 people total, and right from walking in the front door everyone was very polite, inviting, understanding. A woman sitting next to me thought I was in school, which I thought was kind of funny, and was funny to see her face when I said I wasn't. The group was pretty diverse, and it made me nervous for the first 10-15 minutes being obviously the youngest one. The majority of the people there are over 40, the closest to my age was probably only like 32 or 35. We started (after the leader welcoming me and saying a little about the group and this chapter) with the leader reading The Compassionate Friends credo, which made me cry from the very moment he started reading. Took all of 4 minutes into the meeting for me to start crying. We then went around the room and briefly (or longly) told our story of who we lost. There were all kind of stories: suicide, drug overdose, illness, and my own story of miscarriage. We went around again to add any other details or to talk in general, and people commented and discussed certain things. We then all stood up and held hands, and said the name of our loved one and an "I love you" or "I miss you", and the meeting was over. Several of the women came to hug me or talk to me after the meeting, and even one of the older men came over to give me a hug. Three women asked if I was coming back, and I told them of course. One of the other men watched me walk to my car as I left, which I thought was nice. Even though I cried pretty much the entire time, especially when I was speaking (guess I'm not so over the telling people about it like I thought), it was a positive experience, and I definitely want to go to the next meeting in June.

Hate It

So everything is not peachy keen in the Dudley household. Due to an accident (without going into the details), I may be out of work very soon. On the day I found out about this, I couldn't help but think that maybe the miscarriage was a good thing. Being 16 weeks pregnant and being out of work would be horrible. And I hate myself for thinking that, but I couldn't help it. How can I think like that? My heart and my head are saying two different things right now... my head says to wait, to let myself fully heal or something before trying again, but my heart wants a baby so much. I'm not sue how Ken feels about it anymore, since going into the military so quickly has been put on hold. I need to talk to him about it though, see how he is feeling.
........
I've found I can easily talk about what happened now, without getting emotional, which I think is a step in the right direction. I'm also going to a support group tonight in Olympia called The Compassionate Friends who deal with child loss (miscarriage, stillbirth, and child death) and I'm really hoping that it helps. I know that losing the baby has had a profound affect on my life, but I don't think that this blog is going to help me through it alone. I know it's hard for people to understand or know what to say when I bring it up or it somehow comes into conversation, and I don't know anyone else personally or profoundly that knows what I'm going through, so I'm really hoping being in a group will help me sort through everything.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Post-Op

Ken and I went to the follow up appointment on Friday the 22nd. It was about what I expected; Dr still wants to put me on progesterone supplements as soon as I know I'm pregnant (he even said he'd do a phone in prescription, he doesn't want m to wait for an appointment) and I had blood drawn for tests. His only other theory is that something is wrong with my thyroid. I forgot to ask him if he was doing pathology on the tissue from the D&C and when we could expect results. I guess I need to call to ask. He also said that experts used to say to wait to try to conceive again was 2 months for the physical healing, and 6 months for the emotional healing. He said that quite isn't the case anymore, but he still wants me to wait 2-3 cycles before we start trying again, and since it's so short he doesn't want me to go on birth control (at least hormonal), which I was pleased to hear. Ken told him that I found a support group (which is in 2 weeks) and Dr Jung seemed pleased with that as well. I guess now is the waiting game; trying to live life and heal and wait. I'm thinking it will be maybe 3-6 months before we start trying or know we're pregnant again.
...........
It's crazy to think that we've been trying since late October and through no loss of hard work on our part, we still don't have a baby or the prospect of one soon. I had to count how many months we've been trying and hoping and yes we suffered 2 losses in that time, but it's hard to say we've been trying for almost 6 months and no baby yet.
................
Side note: Ken is reconsidering the Army Reserve. He's plateaued in his weight loss, and another opportunity may have come our way where he won't be away for a year just for training. I'm really hoping he follows through with this, and yes I want him to continue to feel good and lose weight so he's happy, but we had a short conversation on the way back from dinner last night and I think he FINALLY understands where I'm coming from and my side of things with him joining. I'm really hoping and praying this other opportunity works out, please oh please!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Irrational

*Anyone reading this, please understand that yes I know I'm being irrational about this post, but I needed to get it out of my head*

I had a thought on the drive home tonight from work. I'm not going to say I prefer a boy or girl anymore when we have a baby. I'll truly be happy with whatever. Not like I'm going to say I'm not going to find out the sex when the time comes (purely to make baby shopping easier for myself and others... but it's a possibility to wait), but I'm not going to say I prefer one over the other anymore. I had the thought that it's almost like maybe my baby died because God was angry with me and knew in my heart I'd be sad if the baby was a girl. Yes I know this is irrational and I'm sure the baby died from something physically wrong, but I couldn't help the thought. And after this whole ordeal, I'll be happy with a girl. Honestly. I'll be happy with a boy. I'll be happy with a baby period. I've been thinking over the weekend also about the possibility that Ken and I will just never have a baby, how will I feel? I honestly think a major piece of my being, self, life, would be missing without a child of some kind in this house. Whether it's a baby that I carried, or foster, or adoption. I can't imagine my life without a child as a part of my family. Not to say that Ken isn't enough, or my cats or him don't make me happy... but I have so much love, how was I made not to have children in my family? My job is not the same. Nieces and nephews are not the same. Friend's children are not the same.

..............

I have my follow up appointment for my D&C on Friday, and I'm sure I'll be getting a bunch of tests and blood draws done. I want to know when the pathology on the tissue and baby will be done. I need answers, I need to know why, so hopefully that why can be fixed. I need to know it wasn't something I did, wasn't something I could have prevented. I need to know why it happened. I should be at 14 weeks 3 days today. I don't think this has become any easier.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Confliction

I've been feeling conflicting emotions lately. That I'm ready to try again, trying to conceive, and then just as suddenly I don't think I am. I'm fearful of trying again, in case a missed miscarriage happens again. But I want a baby so bad, waiting even the 2-3 months like I've been saying seems way too long, let alone 6 months like my doctor wants. I've been reading up on the stages of grief, and I don't really know where I fit anymore. This is from a cancer survivors website "cancersurvivors.org"


Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
  • Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  • Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  • Depression (I don't care anymore)
  • Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
     
A lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:
  • Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
  • Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss) 
  • Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)
I think I fit more into the Temes version of grief, into the reorganization part. But then I also think I may still be numb to a lot  of things too. I know I've definitely felt the disorganization, as can be seen from a number of my blogs, but as to where I am now, it's weird, I don't know. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out and continue trying to live.

Ken and I did have a great day yesterday, despite me having a headache most of the day. It was our 6 year dating anniversary, the 6 year mark of when we met in person for the first time. I had to call into work my head felt so bad, and I kept having to take Tylenol all day just to feel somewhat normal. We went to the mall to get my phone fixed, look at games for him, and buy me new earrings. Then we went to this new restaurant called The Lobster Shop, which is down on the water of Tacoma. Very pretty place and prices were good, and the food amazing. After dinner we took a short walk in a park next to the restaurant,  then to Blockbuster to get movies and a game. We spent the night watching movies, eating popcorn, reading and playing his game all night until almost 3 am. It was so nice to have a special evening together, despite a headache. I think we both needed a night like that. It was nice to be normal for a even a short while, and just have fun.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Anger

One emotion I'm really trying to wrap my head around right now is the anger I seem to have. I don't typically think of myself as an angry person, pretty much the total opposite, but I keep finding myself angry sometimes. I'm angry this happened, to me, to Ken, to my baby. I'm angry that so many women can have healthy babies with no problems at all. I'm angry that we've had to go through 2 miscarriages. I'm angry that people who weren't hoping or expecting to get pregnant, are. And having normal easy pregnancies. I'm angry that the one thing I thought should go easy has not. At all. I'm angry that people are super insensitive sometimes. I'm angry that I'm even angry at anyone at all.
Some days are better than others, and I think I'm more into the accept and move on stage. I did find a support group of child loss, stillbirth and miscarriage. It actually meets on my day off and at night, which fits perfectly. It is down in Olympia though, only downside. But I think it will help, and once a month isn't bad at all. Ken can't come ever though, but I'm hoping a friend or two might come with sometime, or my mom.
.........
I talked with Ken today, and he wants to wait until he;s completely done with training to start trying again. And I'm not really ok with that. That seems like a long time to wait. 2 years+ until we have a baby? I don't know if I can wait that long anymore, even after 2 failed pregnancies. Something to keep talking about I guess.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Grief

Under the suggestion of my mom and my OB, I'm trying to find a support group for grief and loss, hopefully specifically to miscarriage and the like. I think it will help, even more so than what the writing here on blog spot can offer, and it's always good to hear other people's stories and get to know women who have been through the same thing. It's hard though because through working at night, most support groups that I'm interested in meet at night, usually once a month. I'm trying to find one as I type, but it's been difficult so far. I'd like to go to counseling, both for this and other emotional issues I have from when I was growing up, but I know counseling is expensive, and our premiums for our insurance just went up. It's frustrating to want help but being unable to get it due to money or time constraints.

I have another post to make, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow, to give ken some time on the computer.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Day After

Well it's Friday and the surgery went well and is complete. I'm so glad my mom was there with me, it was kind of a scary experience. It was a lot of waiting and answering health questions from about 9 am until 1115. Thankfully I was put out completely. All I can remember is I started to shiver in the OR because it was cold, and they gave me extra blankets and then I was waking up in the recovery room. I don't even remember being sleepy! It's ok though, it was good the way it worked out. I guess I lost more blood than expected, and almost needed a transfusion. Close but not quite thankfully. They said I lost about 150cc's which is just over 5 ounces. After about an hour in recovery (after I woke up all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I was exhausted! Which is understandable with the blood loss) they wheeled me back into a room, and unfortunately kind of freaked out my mom out by not coming to get her in a timely manner. I was back in the room for almost an hour before someone finally found her in the waiting room. Dr Jung was really nice and came out to talk her after the surgery, and explained everything to her. But one thing was kind of unexpected:
The baby was actually 10 weeks when he/she died.
.....
This makes it a little harder. I was pregnant up until around late March, and my baby looked like a little person. I was so close... why did it happen? Dr Jung is running a battery of tests to answer that exact question, and do a lot of bloodwork for me in the coming weeks. I have to see him again in 2 weeks, and I'm hoping he'll have answers for Ken and I then. Although he wants us to wait 6 months to try again. He said more emotionally than anything, if we get pregnant sooner, nothing will be wrong physically, but he says I need time to heal and grieve. I wasn't very happy about that news, and still am not. But I'm trying to see this as the timing Ken and I will need to get this military/baby thing sorted out well enough to form a plan. I kind of don't want to wait that long, but I'm scared to get pregnant right away again. So I don't know. We'll have to see what happens I guess.
I can't say how I'm doing emotionally, I guess kind of numb at the moment, but physically I'm doing really good. All I did yesterday was rest, and today will probably be a resting day too. Not very much pain as of yet, mild cramping every now and then, and I'm on medication to help contract my uterus and help the bleeding stop. My headache from yesterday is gone, and I'm really hoping it doesn't return. I need to go out to buy more cat food today and get out of the house.

10 weeks... the baby actually looks like a baby. I guess that's the hard part about it, the baby had developed so far already, you can even see the ears! Would it be easier if he/she had died at 8 instead of 10? I don't know.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dr and D&C

So tomorrow is finally the day of the D&C. I'm a little nervous, and I probably won't sleep tonight. I'm sure the nerves will really kick in as we're walking into the hospital. Ken decided not to go, as it was a very womanly, personal procedure, but my mom is coming and driving, so I still have support. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mommy! Ken has the day off, so he said he's going to play servant, and make sure the couch is ready for when I get home, and will have movies and snacks handy for me. Everyone has said it will go fine, and it's the recuperation that stinks, I just hope the doctors knock me out completely, I don't want to be awake but aware you know? I just want to get this over with and move on, emotionally and physically. I have been so drained with the weight of this, it's been difficult. And on top of all that, a nurse called on Tuesday to get me registered for the surgery, and she said that our copay for the procedure is going to be $1,000. Out of pocket.

UM WHAT? She even wanted me to do a phone payment, and I told her there was no way, I'll have to pay the day off. I'm really hoping they can give us a payment plan (and St Joseph's is pretty good about it, but you never know) because otherwise I'll have to take money from the baby fund, nearly half, and that is the last thing I want to do. Ken doesn't know yet. I took the advice from Mama Leslie and will tell him when the payment plan is set up. I hate to keep it from him, but he stresses way too much and really bad about money, and it's hard to live with a stressed out person!

........
Ken and I did go to doctor today to get all the information for the surgery and go over paperwork, and I got the nice doctor (Dr Jung) yay! Dr Jung said that I may have to go on hormones when I get pregnant again, that as soon as I know I'm pregnant, we need to start. He doesn't think my body is making enough of the pregnancy hormone called progesterone or something, and that's why we can conceive but I haven't been able to carry for long. He said that the body makes about 50 mg or something, and our intestines absorb a lot of it if it's in pill form, but if he gives me 200 mg twice a day, I'll be getting the dose I'll need to sustain the pregnancy. He said there was a 1 in 36  (or like 3%) chance of this miscarriage happening, and it shouldn't have. If it happened a third time, that's less an 1%. He doesn't want to wait for miscarriage #3 to happen to start hormone therapy, so I'm glad he suggested it. I am going to a new OB though, after this D&C gets taken care of, so it's definitely something I'm mentioning. My sister mentioned how much she loved her OB in Enumclaw, Dr Graman, and anyone is better than Dr Bahgdadi, so I want to meet with him and see if I like him. I'd much rather have a personal reference than trying to find someone on the internet like I was trying to do. One more thing to add to the list, ugh.

.........

There is so much possible change happening lately (long story short, I'm worried about my job, if I'll even have one by 2-3 months) and it's been hard to have that on my mind with this going on as well. It kind of makes me think that while I want this really bad, maybe having a baby is not in the cards right now. But it's like that IFV treatment radio ad... "Part of you is worried about paying your bills, your mortgage, your job. But all of you wants a baby". And that is my feeling EXACTLY. It's funny how much you are willing to sacrifice and give up for that one dream, to have that one hole in your heart filled by a tiny human being.

I've been thinking back over the 8 weeks that I was pregnant before the missed miscarriage, and I think of how I acted... happy, elated, joyful, ecstatic, everything. And I miss being that happy, having so much to hope for, dream about, plan for. I know I haven't been happy, barely at all since this whole thing started, and I want that back. They always say that having a baby changes your life forever, and even though it was only 8 weeks before tragedy, it's encouraging to me to know that life was prefect, even for a short while, because I knew I was going to be a mom. I was pregnant. Ken was going to be a dad. Nothing else seemed to matter, even when something went wrong at work or at home, it was all ok in the end. My baby was on the way. A part of me doesn't want to wait 2-3 months to try again, I want that happiness again. I want the little thrill of knowing that I'm pregnant, of telling Ken and my mom (most definitely going to wait 12 weeks + for anyone else... maybe Jared and Amy but that's it! I mean it this time!!), I want to read my books again and see how the baby is growing, how his or her body is developing.  I want it again. I want to be happy again, somehow, someway.

............

Anyway, I'll post again in the next few days to report how I'm feeling and how I think it went.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Depression

With everything that has happened in the last 2 weeks, I honestly think I'm slightly depressed. It has been a horrible past 2 weeks, between baby stuff, the D&C confusion, and crap at work and being stressed out there (I honestly thought it would help take my mind off of things, but it only made it worse), I don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday was by far the worst day. I physically felt the weight of my stress and worries, and no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't get out of my funk. I know that God won't bring me to it if He can't being me through it, but things just seem so bleak right now. Ken and I are both still worried about our finances (him moreso than I, but that's just Ken) and things at work are so stressful. It's hard to even come up with the words of what I'm feeling right now.
I'm still petrified about the D&C (which is now scheduled for this Thursday the 7th) but I'm so petrified of doing the TTC again after a couple months. I'm going to be freaking out probably the entire pregnancy, worried about the heartbeat and whether or not it's a missed miscarriage again. How can I not freak out about it? Everything seemed hunky dory and in a quick 15 minutes at the OB office my dream is gone, ripped out from beneath my feet. It's still so hard to say "Actually, I'm not pregnant". I think that's what hurts the most, having to say those words, not trying to explain what happened, just the fact that I can't say I'm pregnant anymore.
My support during this difficult time has been amazing, and I don't know what I'd do without my mom, Ken, my family, Leslie, Jared, Langley, Mrs. B, and everyone else who has given me comfort, encouragement, and support. Thank you to everyone, it means the world.
I guess I just don't know where to go from here. The unknowns of the future freak me out, and scare me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I'm still trying to live life, which is so weird to me, but life doesn't stop for hardship. I know that I need to grieve, but how can I truly grieve while still having to live life? I think as with a lot of other things, I say or think things in my head, but suppress the emotion and then life gets in the way and I never truly deal with it. I'm trying to grieve and give myself time emotionally, but how? No one tells you these things, it's just you have to stumble through it the best you can and try to come out on the other side healed.