Saturday, February 4, 2017


Well, it's been a bit... oh like 3 years ago? since I have updated this. I remember how well it helped me cope, so I want to start writing again.

Ken told me around Christmas, that for my Christmas present, he wants me to take out my birth control and we can start trying for another baby. I want a 2nd baby. We are finally at an decent financial situation, so having a baby isn't difficult or unreasonable. 
But I am also slightly terrified.
I'm terrified of having to go through the pain and anguish I went through trying to conceive our son. I'm afraid of the process taking almost 3 years again. I'm terrified that my health will/would impact conceiving and my pregnancy. I already know I can't have a healthy pregnancy at my weight. I'm almost 200 lbs at 5 ft even, so my weight is a big deal.
I'm scared of it being too difficult going from 1 to 2 children. I'm terrified of having a similar birth experience. My son was 9 days late, and an emergency c section after his heart rate dropped into the 60s at only 5 cm dilated. I'm nervous about how to balance full time work, 2 kids, a house, a husband, and still maintain myself and not lose "me". My son is my world, and I know he will be a great big brother, once he understands (he would be 4 when we have the baby if there are no complications).
 I would love a baby. I loved being pregnant. But all of the unknowns are making me scared and not sure if it's a good idea.
I haven't really talked my fears through with my husband, and usually I'm the positive one in the relationship. I'm a planner, so all this unknown just about makes me sick. I of course will hope and pray for great sticky baby dust.

But I am so scared. I can't go back to that dark place I was in, the 3 years it took to have Lex. I am so scared for everything. Is it normal to be scared?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

5 months

My sweet little boy, you are 5 months old. My, how time flies so quickly! You seem so big, yet still so small. At your last well baby check, you were almost 12 pounds and 25 inches. Tall and lean still. Everyone loves you at school, and you're quite fond of the other babies, especially Vivian, Cooper, and your girlfriend Charlie. I think you have a love affair with Ms Ashley, and you tolerate Ms Devin. You recently started laughing, not all the time, but you did it for the first time after I was gently tossing you in the air on my laugh, the 6th. It made me cry, what a happy little sound. You're a stinker though, and wouldn't laugh for Andy or Daddy. You have mastered rolling over from back to front, and the way you lift your booty in the air to get your arm out from under you makes me laugh every time. You still haven't figured out how to go back and forth rolling over, but that will come. You stand so well while supported, and smiling is still our favorite. You try to eat the cloth I cover you with during bath time. You're obsessed with your special blanket and paci. Daddy time with you is special. I think you're going through another growth spurt, you're eating more frequently, and still going between me and the bottle easily. I love our nursing sessions, it's such a special time together. I will seriously miss it when you wean. You have a great interest in toys now, which is great, and it wears you out so well! You still sleep through the night, and play catch up on the weekends from the sleep you miss at school. I love watching you sleep, wondering what you dream about. I love you so much Lex!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

4 months old today

Well, as we can tell, I have been a little too busy to write lately. A lot has gone on since Lex turned 1 month (has it really been that long since I've written?)
Lex is so close to rolling over, we're trying to help him figure out how to move the one arm that gets stuck. He also has a tooth coming through, his top left canine. Oiy, I thought I had more time before teeth! So as of lately he has been a little bit more of a pill, and a little more cranky. His gas has gotten worse too, thank goodness for gas drops and gripe water! He is still a very happy boy most of the time, and I can honestly say he is sleeping through the night. He does very well transitioning back and forth between breast and bottle, which makes my life so much easier! Everyone at work loves him, and he has a girlfriend named Charlie and a best friend named Cooper, it's adorable. He loves cuddling with Ken, and is lifting up his chest and back end at the same time during tummy time. He no longer hates tummy time, which is great. I don't have any height or weight stats, those will be taken next week at his 4 month well baby visit. I think he is over 12 pounds now though, but I have no idea how long he is anymore. He is so social, and loves being around people. Smiling is his favorite! He is getting really good at grabbing for object and grasping at toys, and loves the 2 light up music players he got for Christmas. He is now in 3 month old clothing as well. I swear, he spent so much time in newborn clothing, and was in 0-3 month for like 2 weeks before they were all too small.

Lex, you are a baby, not a newborn now! You hold your head up so well, and I love seeing your big grins when I come into the infant room to get you at the end of the work day. Snuggling at night and weekends are my favorite times, and watching you fall asleep melts my heart. I wish you would stay small for a little longer, you already seem so grown up. I love you more than words can express, and I can't wait to see how much more you grow this month!

My suspicions are being proved correct. I knew when I was pregnant that having the baby would change my life, specially my social life, and it has. I feel a million miles away from all of my friends, and outside of the loop so much. No one visits, calls, texts, anything. I don't get invited to go any where anymore (unless it's by family, and those that do contact me, I appreciate it!)
It just sucks. I miss my friends, and I miss being social. Just because I had a baby, doesn't mean I don't want to go to Starbucks or hear about what is going on in your life, or that I'm stuck in the house. Invite me, even if you know I'll say no. Text me. Don't seem like you're not there, I miss you guys. Please?

Sunday, October 13, 2013


So I've been feeling especially lonely lately, the last week or so. With Ken working nights and sleeping all day, and Andy working long days so he's not home until I'm ready for bed... is hard. Really hard. It's just me and the baby all day long it seems, and while I of course love my son to pieces, some adult conversation would be great once in a while. Even someone to hold him and entertain him so I can sit down and eat without him crying would be nice.
I had a kind of break down last weekend about all this. I was frustrated and missing Ken really bad, and working on opposite schedules was making me overly upset, I couldn't help but cry. I already feel left out from my circle of friends, and yet at the same time, I'm not ready to go back to work yet either. I have about a month left, and I'm dreading it.
No one has come to visit since that first week, so it's been about 4 1/2 weeks or so that I've been by myself. This sucks.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

1 Month

My sweet son, you are 1 month old tomorrow! And what a month it has been. You have been such a sweet baby, and made this thing called parenting a pretty positive experience so far. 
At one month:
-You're sleeping for 5-6 hour stretches at night is over, but it was so nice in the beginning. You're now waking between every 2-4 hous, but you're great about eating, getting a diaper, then going right back to sleep.
-Your newborn clothes still don't tend to fit you, although this morning, I noticed that your snuggly is, well getting snug! If you stretch your feet out, you hit the end of the snuggly.
-You are an accomplished pooper and tooter. And if you're dirty at all, nothing is right in your world until you're changed. Even if you're starving, you won't latch until I change you first.
-You are such a daddy's boy. Even if you're screaming at me, Ken can just pick you up for a few seconds and you quiet. I think you like looking at him, since you don't see him nearly as much as you do me.
-You recently started to smile, more so than just falling asleep. I have to have you focused though, but it makes my heart light up when you smile at me!
-Tummy time is not your favorite activity, but you are doing great with head control and moving your body. Last tummy time, you didn't mean to, but you picked your back legs up, scooting on the bed, and actually made yourself roll over! My strong boy!
-You are such a good baby. We have worked together to figure out your cues, and really only have a screaming fit if you're really tired.
-No real progress on the paci taking yet, and now you're picking about sucking on my finger too. Which makes me kind of sad, because I love it when you do!
-When you sleep for more than an hour during the day, I start to miss you.

I love you Alexander Leo!!
Your funny one month old face!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

2 1/2 weeks Postpartum

So it has been a little while since Lex made his arrival and I've had major surgery and I wanted to update as to how we are both doing. Lex is growing like a weed, and at his last appointment (1 week old), he had gained 3 ounces in 2 days!! Amazing! My milk has come in strong, since the day after we were discharged, and I've been able to pump every day, as to have a stash for when I go back to work. I think Lex is past the 7 pound mark now, he seems so much heavier. He also looks like a baby now, not a newborn. He is a pro sleeper, and only has the occasional night where he wakes up more than twice. His usual sleeping pattern is once he's down for the night, he will sleep between 4-6 hours straight, then wakes up to get changed, eat, and then he's down again for at least another 2 hours. Then he wakes up, gets changed, eats, and has another major nap, usually 2-3 hours. It's been so nice, for both Ken and I. There have only been a few times since Lex has been born that Ken and I have have been baffled and stressed about his crying. He really is a wonderful, calm baby, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I am so in love with my son!
As for myself, I am doing very well. The surgery was scary obviously, and I'm glad we were given an extra day at the hospital. Moving anything at all hurt, and something as simple as turning over in bed was difficult. It made me very upset one night, while Ken was asleep (he had been up for too long and couldn't keep his eyes open), and Lex was in his bassinet, and started to cry. I couldn't get out of bed to answer his cry... I had to rely on the nurse to give him to me so I could comfort him. And it made me so sad, to know that at that moment, I couldn't take care of my own baby.
Since we've been home, I have been much better. I haven't had to take anything stronger than ibuprofen since like day 3 home, and getting around has become much easier. I've been able to not only take care of Lex, but also somewhat take care of my home as well. At my follow up appointment to check my incision, Dr Dickson was very pleased and said I will barely have any scar at all, that I'm healing very well. I do have some nerve damage obviously, so part of my tummy near the incision is numb. The numbness has improved in the last week or so, but it is still a dulled sensation. I hope to get most of it back, but I guess we will see.
I had my mother in law here from California for a week (she arrived right after we were home) , which was a huge help. It was nice not to worry about making dinner, or dishes being done, or the floor being dirty, at least for a little while. We hadn't seen her in 3 years, so it was nice to be able to visit again and hear how Ken's family is doing.
Ken has been also amazing, and is the best daddy to my son I could ever ask for. He goes back to work tomorrow night, and I'm not ready. Granted, he had a lot more time off than we both thought he would, but it will still be hard without him here. And on that note, I am dreading going back to work, only because I know it will be so hard for me to leave him, even if it is on the other side of the wall and with a coworker I trust completely. It will take some getting used to not only getting myself ready but Lex ready as well. It will be ok, just takes practice. Here is one of Lex's first pictures:

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Birth Story

Well, Lex is currently napping, so I figured I would take the time to update. Lex is obviously here, and made his grand entrance on Sept 4th. So here goes the story:

Woke up early on the 3rd in order to get to the hospital at 8 am. Was admitted with only a little wait, and had Ken and my mom all set up to wait out my labor with me. By 8:30 or so, Dr Dickson came in and decided the best way to start the induction was to break my water, and moniter my contractions and Lex's heartbeat. Breaking my water hurt a little, but the result was pretty gross, I'm sorry. Feeling like you're peeing your pants every time you move even slightly got old, very quickly. The nurses were great though, and definitely made me feel better about what was going on.
I started to feel contractions soon after, although they were very mild. Lex was still doing great. It was pretty easy until around 6 pm or so, even though I wasn't progressing very fast. I believe at that point, I was still at like a 3cm and Lex was still a -2. Lex was tuned wrong (sunny side up), so there was a lot of back pain when I did have a contraction, and they progressively snaked around to my tummy area. By 6 or so, I was pretty tired, and the contractions, while not overly painful yet, were making me exhausted. I requested some type of pain management, and was given a shot of fentynol, just to take the edge off. We were all able to catch a little bit of sleep, which felt awesome.
Contractions came on very strong and often after the shot wore off. I guess because Lex was turned wrong as well, my contractions came up as a wave pattern, called coupling. I didn't get a break in between each contraction, so I could have 3 or 4 stacked on top of each other. Ken as amazing though, and stayed by my side the entire time, helping me stay focused with breathing and hand squeezing.
Some friends came in around 8:30, to visit (or so I thought). They even brought grapes, crackers, and juice for mom and Ken. It was nice to see them and visit, although it was right in the middle of my strongest contractions, so they really got to see the labor process haha. I thought they had come just to see how I was doing, and would return when Lex was born. But they had decided they were camping out, and not leaving until he was born. I have the best friends! The nurses even let them stay in a postpartum room to hang out and sleep while I was laboring.
The pain was getting very intense, and I asked for a epidural, which was a heaven send. That allowed Ken, myself, and my mom some rest, since it looked like we were in for the long haul. It was coming up on midnight and I was still only at 5 cm, and thankfully Lex had moved to a -1 station. Not a whole lot though for being in labor about 16 hours already.
I drifted in and out of sleep, Ken was sleeping like a log on the daddy bed, and my mom was trying to rest in an armchair, while listening to Lex's heart monitor. Around 2:45ish in the morning (while I'm still half asleep) I hear my mom yell "BABY IS IN DISTRESS!!!" and my room gets flooded with nurses. They have me flip on my side, then try to get on my hands and knees (which was impossible having being numb from the waist down) and then flip on my other side. I guess Lex's heart rate had dropped very suddenly from the 140's into the 60's. Obviously something was wrong.
5 minutes after that, my nurse said that Dr Dickson was calling it, and they were going to prep me for an emergency c-section. The one thing I didn't want to happen, was happening. My mom was crying, which made me cry, and I was trying my best to stay calm to keep Lex from having more trouble. Within 15 minutes or less, I was being wheeled out of my room and into the OR, completely numb from the chest down. I am so thankful that my friends were there camping out, they helped my mom be ok instead of being by herself while I was in surgery.
I said a short prayer as they were getting ready, I had an awful feeling about the surgery and was obviously very scared about myself and about Lex. Ken came in shortly after and held my hand the entire time. I ended up throwing up several times during the surgery, and it was scary as well, because I was so numb, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I know the feeling already from my asthma, but it was 20 times worse. Very scary. I was also so very sleepy, it was so hard to keep focused and keep my eyes open. I'm not sure if it was a reaction from the medication or just the temperature in the OR, but on top of all that, I had uncontrollable shaking.  My jaw and mouth started to hurt from my teeth chattering.
Lex was born at 335 am on the 4th, and hearing his first cry was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Ken kept talking to me about his crying, and I couldn't help but cry. They had Ken go with Lex soon after, and had him change his first diaper and get his weight. 6 pounds, 14 ounces. So small! Stitching me up took longer than I expected, and all I wanted as to see my baby. Ken was able to bring him to me and hold him next to my head, and that made me start crying all over again. He was absolutely beautiful! As soon as I was stitched up, they wheeled me into recovery and I was able to see Lex fully and look at all his little details. They warmed me up and made sure I was ok, then they layed Lex on my chest for skin on skin and first time breastfeeding. Lex took to feeding like a pro, and the nurse was surprised, she made the comment "You could teach other babies to do this!".    
Soon after, around 5:30 or so, we were wheeled into postpartum, where my friends and mom were waiting. My mom was first, and 4 of my friends got to hold Lex within hours of him being born, which was so very special. My mom ended up staying a few more hours after my friends left (around 6:30 am) to let Ken and I sleep, which was a huge blessing. She also got to bond with Lex, which I know is so important to her, although she was up for over 28 hours at that point.
We ended up staying at the hospital until friday night, just to make sure Lex and I were both ok. You never know how much you use your stomach muscles until you can't anymore!
Lex is perfectly healthy, and although his entrance to the world was long and a bit scary, he is here and I am so in love, I can't believe it. He is perfect!

Next time I have some time, I will update about our hospital stay and how my healing is going.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

41 weeks

Well, obviously little Lex is not here yet. Currently overdue by a week, and Ken and I have decided that if he doesn't decide to come on his own by Tuesday, we're going ahead with an induction. I wish I could give him more time, but being in FMLA kind of limits the timeline of him getting here and me being able to take as much time as I want and being comfortable going back to work.
I am officially on maternity leave, and it's nice to know that I have dinners in the freezer ready to go, and laundry can wait for a while if I need it to, since neither Ken or I need work uniforms for at least 2 weeks. I've been working on cleaning the house from top to bottom. One, to help me stay active and encourage labor to start, and two, if we do have to induce, I want to come home to a clean house and not stress about dishes or a dirty carpet. Which I know I will unless I do everything now.
I wish we had a few more things for Lex, but honestly they can wait, at least a little longer. I wanted to have a new changing pad and covers (the one I had in the garage is kind of torn up, it will suffice but new would be better, and I have no covers for it), and I wanted to have a hamper in his room too. The hamper can wait though, I know.

My appetite sure have improved this last week though, I can't stop eating! If anyone know me personally at all, they know I can eat 3-4 bites of dinner and be stuffed. Normal for me. So when I get home from work, and can eat a hamburger, an english muffin, strawberries, a small bowl of cereal, a glass of juice, and 3 glasses of water on top of it within 2-3 hour span... yeah. I think Lex is growing!! It's been like this for over a week now, I feel like I'm back in the second trimester.

It's kind of surreal at this point, to know that by Tuesday, for sure, this little boy will be here. Not just here, but like HERE. Out of me and like a real life baby. Oh my GOSH!! It blows my mind! Can't wait!

Monday, August 26, 2013

1 day late

Well, my due date came and went on Sunday. Nothing really happened, some slight Braxton Hicks but other than that, pretty uneventful. I have another dr appt tomorrow, and she did offer to sweep my membranes, and Ken would like me to, just to see if it will work to get labor going... but I'm kind of on the fence. I've heard it hurts, a lot, and having to work right afterward probably would not be good. Plus there is no promise it even works.
I'm going to ask tomorrow about how long they will let me go before we schedule an induction. I'm thinking it won't be much longer than this week. And even if it is, I think I'm going to go on maternity leave after this week. I am getting so tired, so quickly, and even the smaller kids are getting really hard to lift. My boss supports that decision as well, which is nice. I did end up turning in my FMLA request paperwork late, so I hope that doesn't screw something up.
Overall, Ken and I (and even Andy) are ready for this baby to be here. The time has come!

Monday, August 19, 2013

39 week Update

How far along: 39 weeks, 1 day
How big is baby: weighs about 7 pounds, and about 20 inches long
I have been feeling: Not too bad, just feeling huge! My stress level is good, just kind of worried about when the big moment will happen! Ready for Lex to be here, not ready for all of what labor will entail.
Total weight gain/loss? A little less than 20 pounds now, I can't remember eactly
Maternity clothes? Love them
Sleep? still not bad, turning over is rather difficult though
Best moment this week? Finally feeling like everything is ready for the baby to get here
Food cravings? Not craving really, but my appetite has been huge in the last week or two. I feel like I want to eat everything!
Food aversions?  none lately
Gender? Boy all the way!
Labor signs? none yet that I can tell, last Dr appt I had, was no dilation, no effacement, and it's just been a lot of Braxton Hicks.
Belly button in or out? Neither? It's not in or out, just kind of flat haha
What I miss? cold deli sandwiches... wearing my wedding rings on my finger... being comfortable in any kind of aspect!
What I'm looking forward to? The call to Ken letting him know I'm actually in labor
I'm worried about: what labor will be like exactly, being induced
Bump? Feeling stretched to capacity right now!
Next appointment: Tomorrow, the 20th. Hoping for some change at all!