New Mantra

I'm trying to have a new mantra about this TTC crap and all the weird things I've been feeling lately.

This Will Be Worth It

Trying to keep this in the back of my head all the time. Because having a baby, when it does happen, will be worth it. It will be worth all this pain, struggle, frustration, anger, jealously, depression, sadness, and craziness that this process and journey has been and become. This will be worth it. This WILL be worth it.

My mom is creating a baby blanket for a friend (not sure if I've mentioned this before, can't remember) who is due this month. My mom also decided to make me a baby blanket, slowly, since it's not like she has a timeline or due date to be done by, just because. My mom has a knack for guessing the genders of babies, and has only been wrong once in all her years of guessing. My mom is making a pink baby blanket, she believes whenever I get pregnant again it will be a girl. Well I guess time will only tell. This makes me want to know the genders of my lost babies, I think that would help my grief and process. I wish I knew.

Fake Out

Well, Ken and I did a little happy dance yesterday. I was expecting my period, and if it's coming, it's usually made an appearance by the afternoon. He met me for lunch and by 2 pm there was nothing yet. We tried to contain our excitement, and I said I would wait until today to test, just to make sure. We were so excited, and making mini plans, and also a little nervous (more so me than Ken). So I took a test this morning, and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. A day late and still negative. This is the closest we've been I guess, to having any kind of late periods in the last 6 months since we've been trying, and it was a major letdown this morning to tell Ken my last pregnancy test I had in the house said negative. He's sad yes, but not overly sad, and I'm just disappointed. Severely disappointed. A fake out is so much worse than expecting my period and getting it. UGH.

Nervous

Well unless my fertility tracker is wrong (which I'm assuming it's not) I'll either be late or start my period on friday. I'm kind of nervous for it, if that makes any sense.
I found a therapist (well it's a couple in a practice) that deals with grief and fertility issues, and part of my mom's support is that she's willing to help me receive those appointments, if I think they will help. The practice offers a free 30 minute consultation before they charge, which is awesome, and I just need to schedule a consultation now, when I can get some time off. I'm hoping for some time in February, so maybe then. I really hope it helps. Certainly can't hurt. I know the support group helped, but it was hard to connect to the members since none of them had endured a miscarriage/infant loss, all of their lost children were anywhere from 12-55 years old at the time of their death, plus they (the members) were all a lot older than I am. If it fit into my schedule better, I would continue, but I really didn't feel the connection, which makes it hard to be supportive of someone. So I'm hoping a therapist will be better. I guess we'll see, and I'll update again on Friday, keep your fingers crossed!

Waiting

Nothing new has really changed, it's just the same waiting game, checking and inputting, and waiting. And waiting. And more waiting. A dear friend of mine told me recently, if I ever need it, an overy, eggs, whatever, she will give it to me, if I experience that sort of problem. Very sweet, and I sincerely hope I never have to ask her.
It seems like the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks of infertility, that having my own kids isn't in the cards and I can't help but imagine just a little what life would be like if I wasn't able to have that one special dream. I'm sure it's not healthy, but once the wheel starts turning, it's so hard to stop it. I'm not ready to give up, not by a long shot, but sometimes worry starts to set in.

A new emotion I've been having lately, has been intense jealousy. Well it starts as anger and then I realize I'm angry because I'm jealous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have these emotions in the first place, for a stupid reason, and something so personal as pregnancy loss. I know I need to let my emotions and feelings flow and out as they come, but I hate feeling angry and jealous, it's not my natural state, especially when it's in reference to people close to me.
I just want to be better. I just want a baby. It sucks to have to track, monitor, worry, record, have a fertility tracker in my phone, predict, be disappointed, be jealous, be angry, be sad. Sometimes I wish life came with a magic wand.