Grief Work and An Update

Day 27: Share a picture.

This is my pregnancy test from my first pregnancy.

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Not quite sure exactly what this means, but I don't think so. I don't think I've ever corrected someone or wished I had.

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
This is kind of a complicated question since my faith has wavered in recent years. I do believe with at least some shred of my inner being, that my children are in heaven, and I will see them again, but at the same time this is hard to believe since they were so young, and what I believe wholeheartedly is complicated. This isn't coming out the way I want it to. 

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
To allow myself what I feel, and begin each new days with hope. 

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your grief?
Yes I really do think it has helped, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to definitely.

Update:

No baby again this month, but I can say I'm not nearly as sad as I have been previously. I am sad, but I haven't cried or anything. I think if nothing happens in December (which will be 6 months of actively trying) I might make an appointment to talk with Dr Graman to talk about what else (if anything I can do and maybe help assuage my fears or maybe rule out problems). I think talking to him will help. I know it take 3-6 months for normal couples, but at the end of 6 months I might be a little more worried or fearful. I guess we'll see what happens next month.

Grief Work

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?
I do, just random ones, or random lyrics in songs that have nothing to do with baby loss. Today, actually, I was listening to "A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella, and I couldn't help but think that my dream of babies, having babies, is the wish my heart is making, and I hoped so hard right at the line "It will come true". That's just one instance, I get reminders in songs a lot.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Told people. I wouldn't have told as many people about my second pregnancy so I wouldn't have to retell the pain of how and why I lost that pregnancy. I don't regret the telling of everyone of the first pregnancy, because it was such a joyous occasion, and that feeling was worth it.

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, and to be angry, and to be depressed and sad, whatever I felt at the time.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?Again, just allowing myself to feel whatever I need to or do feel at the time. It helps.

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
I'd say a 7 1/2. I'm hopeful, I'm not dwelling, I miss my babies but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. 

Grief Work

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I do when I need to, which hasn't been very often lately. I give myself time to cry, to reflect, to think, to hope and wonder, cry some more, whatever I need. Obviously I can't give myself all the time in the world, but when I need it, I do.

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
This is a weird question, I don't know. I don't know if I can explain my thinking on this either.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Puts me at peace... I don't think so, not yet. Not something where I can think about it, look at it, whatever, and feel ok again. I don't think I'm at that point yet.

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
With my first loss, having my first positive pregnancy test, and telling my family and Ken's that we were expecting. With my second loss, going to the doctor and seeing my baby on the sonogram, knowing everything was going well and that I had a baby, growing and alive, in me.

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
That other people, seemingly everyone, has had easy pregnancies  and so easy at conceiving, one time and BAM! There is a perfect pregnancy. That everyone I know with kids, seems like everything is so easy, and Ken and I have had such a difficult time with conceiving this time, and keeping our pregnancy 2 previous times. That we have been trying for over a year and still no glimmer of hope. That I now have to pay for a procedure (6 months we've been paying and we still owe about $2000) that I never wanted and never should have happened. That Ken and I are even having trouble conceiving now. A lot of things.

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
That for 5 weeks of the last year, I was more happy than I had been in a long time, because I was pregnant. Ken and I were having a baby. I know my babies didn't stay, but I still love them, and giving me that tremendous amount of happiness, even for a short time, was an amazing gift. I will always smile knowing that.