Grief Work

I went to Babies R Us today to pick out some presents for a good friend of mine who is having a baby boy in late January. I knew going it might be a little difficult, but I needed to go so I went. I was fine about 90% of the time in store, and only had a minor freak out/heartache being surrounded by baby items and babies. I had to breathe a little when I got back to my car, but overall I think I did fine. It was my first time in any baby related store (I still choose not to go into the baby sections of Walmart or Target), and I think it went ok. Kind of proud of myself. Now onto my grief work.
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Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Lately I've been having good days, which I think is progress. I can openly talk about my experiences about my miscarriages (although not going into too much detail) and not get too choked up or emotional, and reminders of babies or baby related things don't depress me as much.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
No other children, but our loss has definitely affected my marriage. I think my personal stress and grief being the mom made moving forward hard, because Ken doesn't relate as well, it wasn't as emotional a loss for him. Now we're struggling with TTC, and my stress and worry affects Ken which stresses him out. We're getting better, but we've had a couple rough patches.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
N/A

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Definitely. Ken was sad about the loss yes, but not nearly as deeply or as heartfelt (if that makes sense) as myself. And I understand that, guys aren't as connected to babies and pregnancy the same way. He grieved his own way and in his own time, as am I.

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
My family has felt really bad for me and had sympathy, and I know my loss has affected my mom deeply, if for the only reason that I'm hurting. It's kind of a subject we don't talk about, unless I bring it up. We aren't that close being so scattered all over the US and state, so maybe they don't know how to deal with it, or don't want to make me upset by mentioning it? Not sure.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
Our babies didn't have names, not knowing the gender makes it hard to name them beyond Baby Dudley. My mom does, I don't think anyone else does. And that's fine, I'm not offended.

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel?
I have pictures on my computer of the pregnancy tests and I still have the sonogram(?) of my 10 week lost baby at 6 1/2 weeks. I also have their butterfly from the Rock and Walk in the nursery. I'm sure there will be more in years coming.

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
I guess I was supposed to do this starting October 1st, so the 15th of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It was also my due date for my 10 weeks lost baby. I didn't do much; some personal grieving for myself and anyone else who has lost a child, some extra cuddles from Ken, and my normal Saturday routine.

Catch Up

I have been meaning to write for like a week and a half, and I keep forgetting or not having time. So much to cover and go over, it might come in parts.
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Well, the most recent news is no baby this month again. Month 4 of TTC actively and no baby. I'm trying to not let it affect me, and just roll with whatever happens, happens. I was a lot less depressed about this month when I got my period for some reason, not sure. I may dive into this topic more later.
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In other news, my sister in law and brother had their baby, Baby Ted (their baby was due a day before mine that I lost at 10 weeks), born October 16th. I drove over to Ellensburg the following weekend to visit the baby and them, and give them some stuff from a family friend. It was a good visit, and Katie and I talked a lot which we haven;'t really done previously. I only got sad for a couple minutes in a lull of conversation, which I was surprised by I guess. I wasn't sure how I would feel, and I know some of my family, mainly my mom, was worried about how it would go. I am genuinely happy for them, they deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm very happy they get to experience it.
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My mom wants me to try some sort of therapy, to help me deal with all the stress and emotions I've had with my pregnancy losses and now struggle (sort of) to get pregnant again. She's found hypnotherapy, and I still need to research it. I'm not sure if it will work, or if I'm even in to it, but short of seeing a psychologist, this may work. I still need to research it before I take the plunge, I'm still not entirely sure.
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I think this is enough for now, I'll catch up my Grief Writings later today, I know I'm way behind, and I really want to finish it.

Grief and a Due Date

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Um, normally I say none yet, just because most people who ask don't really want to get into my story of my miscarriages and my pain behind all that. At least I assume that anyway. I have no problem sharing my story, but I don't think it's appropriate all the time to be sharing, especially when that question is asked. Hopefully soon I will be able to answer "3. I had two miscarriages but then was blessed with this amazing little baby".

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Well this year I participated in the TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk with a good friend of mine and her family. The TEARS Foundation is a non profit that through donations, helps grieving families with headstones, Moses baskets, and funeral arrangements for their deceased children. My friends and family helped me raise almost $600 for the non profit, and we went to the actual event, where my babies names were on a reader board, and the organization made butterflies with the baby's name and decorated it around the stadium where we walked. We saved our butterfly and it is currently hanging in the nursery. I would like to continue to be involved with the organization. I think it's an amazing way to help other people and a way to honor both my angels too.

 This is the day of the walk, all the butterflies are the names of babies that have been lost through stillbirth, infant death, or pregnancy lost just that year.They went all around Cheny Stadium.

 Our butterfly that they made for us and we kept. It is now in the nursery.

Ken and I with our butterfly.

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So on another note, I feel weird today. In the back of my head, I want to cry, do nothing all day, but I've been trying to stay busy so I'm not dwelling either. Today is my due date for my miscarriage of 10 weeks. I feel kind of numb. Maybe I should be more sad, maybe I should do something to honor the day, do I do anything about today at all? Today I should already have a baby, or be waiting for the cue to go to the hospital. I think I'm going to need extra cuddles from Ken today.

It doesn't help that today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 

Day 5

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

I get subtle and glaringly obvious reminders of my losses it seems every day. Every time I get a new baby in my room at work, or I go into the infant room for a break, and I get reminded of what I don't have right now. Or the fact that my sister in law s having a baby any day now, or that a dear friend is also having a baby in Jan. That can be hard sometimes. There are more subtle reminders, like people asking if I have kids yet, when am I going to have kids, or seeing kids clothes in the stores when I go grocery shopping. Some songs on my iPod that have nothing to do with loss remind me of my loss. There's lot of little things that remind me that are also totally escaping me right now.
I guess it's about half and half for what I mind and what I don't mind when it comes to reminders. Sometimes it's welcome, sometimes it's all I can do to hold back my tears. It really depends on the day and what has been going on with my personal grief lately for which way a reminder will make me feel. 
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There was a contest for the best of western Washington and there was a vote for best charity. I voted for The Tears Foundation for best charity, as it helps local families give headstones and Moses baskets to their lost infants, and help with funeral arrangements. I gave my reason why I voted as "As a parent of loss, the Tears Foundation helped me in my loss and made the pain a little less. It's great to help other families too". And since, I've been kind of struggling with the term "Parent". Yes in the back of my mind, I believe I'm a parent, sort of, but it doesn't seem like a reality to me. Like I believe it but I don't at the same time. Very weird feeling.

Grief Process Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I guess the only thing is possibility. There is the possibility that I will have a baby, that my fertility is still in control and the possibility of all the things that could happen.  It's hard to express really.

Grief Process

It's been about 3 days since I said I would start this, so I'm going to answer 3 days questions today.

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a 24 year old woman living in WA with my husband Ken (married almost 4 years) and brother in law Andy and 3 fur babies. I love reading, watching movies, the color red, taking pictures, and reality TV. I work full time as a toddler teacher in a daycare, and have my BA in Elementary Education.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
I have 2 angel babies, one I lost at 5 weeks in Dec 2010, and one at 10 weeks in March 2011. We never named either of the babies, beyond Baby Dudley. Ken and I are still trying for our first live birth child.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My mom definitely. My husband has helped definitely in being there for me, but he doesn't understand my personal grief completely, which I understand, he's a man, having a baby is a different experience for him.
My mom though has helped me through every step of trying to conceive, sharing my happy news, and holding me up when I've crumpled from my loss, not once but twice. She's helped me raise money to help other families affected by infant and pregnancy loss, she's heard my fears and anxiety about being pregnant and subsequently becoming pregnant again, she's wiped away my many tears,she held my hand through my D&C, every aspect of my pregnancies and losses, she has been there. I would be in a whole different part of my grief if I didn't have my mom in this process. I thank her every day for everything she does, and I think she understands, but my gratitude extends beyond what I can say in words. I love you mom, and thank you so very much for everything.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

I think  this is something that will help me, especially in the coming weeks as my due date comes up. I may not write each day about the specific question, but I do want to complete the 31 questions.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about

Again?

I have a small suspicion that I had another miscarriage. I woke up on Wednesday morning, getting ready for work, and I've noticed over the past 3 months of TTC, my periods have been pretty heavy, heavier than they ever were before I was pregnant or anything. So I'm going through the motions, and pottying, and there were clots. They had a weird look to them, more solid than normal period clots would be, or that I've seen periods before. It strangely resembled the after effects of my first miscarriage, but I never had any cramping, and definitely not the "wringing me in half" type cramps from my first miscarriage.

I guess I'll never know. My August period started on the 27th, and so did my Sept, so I was technically a day before being late. I never took a test though, I was waiting to be a few days late before I used my last test.
I never knew I would struggle this much with trying to have a baby. Who knew that TTC was so stressful, so worrysome? Ken and I had a fight last night, that started mild and progressed into deeper issues. Ken has this weird idea that I don't love him any more, that I'm only putting up with him so that I can have a baby. TTC and this baby loss has definitely put a strain (although mild) on our marriage, and I hate that. I know we're fine, and marriage is always a work in progress, but both being depressed and the emotional strain of this is difficult. Why do we have to struggle? Why is the one thing we both want so badly the thing we are having the most trouble with? I guess I just want a little understanding, some questions answered once and for all.