Last Straw

So apparently I'm not getting the D&C tomorrow like I thought. I called today to the dr office to find out about recovery time, since Ken has to work overtime for missing work on Tuesday. I figured my mom could drive with us and be there, so she could drive me home and make sure I'm comfortable while Ken goes to work after the appointment.
Turns out it's not scheduled for tomorrow, tomorrow is just a visit to talk with the doctor about whether or not I've had bleeding or pain. Wow, really? I talked to the nurse and she said she would talk to the doctor and see what he said, I may not have to come in at all, and they will probably just schedule the procedure.
I am so fed up with this office and this doctor, I'm currently on the search for a new OB. I knew I was going to try a new one after this was done with anyway, but I am so frustrated right now, I wish I could find one sooner and switch before the D&C. The only thing I like about the office or staff is the ultrasound tech I usually see, Sally. And that's not near enough reason to stay.
I'm so frustrated, I've been building myself up emotionally for this, only to be told I have to wait even longer. So ridiculous. Yes, waiting longer is exactly what I need when I just lost my baby. Jerks.

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Ken and I have been talking since the loss happened, and we're not quite sure what to do. We have to plan the baby so he can join the military, but it's difficult when his training would be for a year, and I have to have him home for the birth, no if and or buts about that. So here lies the problem. He's not down to weight yet so it's not like he can join tomorrow. We've talked about it and we want to wait at least a month or two before actively trying again. But between basic and his AIT (I think?) training, he will be gone for a year. Will he have a break between basic and AIT? If not, then he will miss the birth, which is not ok. If we wait, it will be another YEAR before we start trying again, which is not ok. If we try for a baby, he's worried he'll have to wait a year to join. Do we just wait until he's in and in basic, then hopefully he gets a short period of time between basic and AIT and we can try then? So we'd wait another 6+ months to try? UGH. So many questions, and being the planner type person I am, this is driving me crazy not being able to have a plan!!

Petrified

I'm not sure how to deal with everything that's gone on the in last 3 days. Saying that I'm scared for Friday doesn't even come close to how terrified I am of the D&C procedure. This was taken from a medical website: "Once the dilation has been completed, the curette, which is an instrument with a flat metal loop at the end, is inserted into the uterine cavity and is used to gently scrape the lining of the uterus. When the surgeon feels the gritty layer of cells just above the muscle of the uterus, then he/she knows that the scraping has gone deep enough to sample the tissue adequately. This scraping is done throughout the uterus, and the tissue that is removed is then sent to a pathologist for microscopic examination"
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That's what I have to go through? Why can't they use a word other than scrape? It seems so scary, painful (physically and emotionally) and I know I'll have Ken there with me, but I am absolutely petrified. I was reading online from women who have had a missed miscarriage (that's what it's called I guess), and a lot of them found out the gender from the pathology and named the baby and some even had the baby cremated. I don't think that's something I want at all. I think it will be that much harder for me emotionally to know if my baby was an Abigail or Logan, and to see it afterward... that would be too much. The pictures below are of what my baby looks like right now though... It breaks my heart to see, he/she looks like a little human!
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I'm not really ready for going back to work and facing everyone, and probably hearing everyone ask about how I'm feeling and not know what happened and have to explain to them, or remain silent and let them think I'm still pregnant. I know Ken worries about money though, so I'm scared to ask him if he minds if I stay home again. Plus I'm probably not going to be able to go anywhere on Friday and possibly Saturday, and working one day in a week isn't great for a paycheck. I hate having to worry about money versus my emotional health. I don't know what to do.

My baby has arms and hands and feet!

What the baby really looks like

Lost

Well the dreaded doctors appointment is over. We went in at 845 this morning, and ended up waiting nearly a half hour for Sally to come in. They called me back pretty soon after she arrived, and she told me she would try the over the belly ultrasound first and if need be, they would do the internal. I swear five seconds after she started she had the picture up, nice and clear.
Sally said that the baby only made it developmentally to 8 weeks, and there was no heartbeat.  
NO HEARTBEAT.
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She asked me if I was still having pregnancy symptoms, and I told her yes, I was finally over the nausea but I figured that was since I was near the 3 months. She said she was sure about everything, and sometimes it can take the body a month to respond that something is wrong and miscarry, and a lot of women choose to do the D/C so they don't bleed unexpectedly and go to the ER, blah blah. I asked her if they had any idea what could have happened, and she said that something on the molecular level, something probably with the chromosomes wasn't right. She walked out to give me time and get dressed again, and all I could do was cry. I don't understand. I don't understand!!! Why? Why a second time? Why now? Why didn't it stick? Why me? I have an appointment for the D/C on Friday, which I'm super scared for.
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I'm so upset, and hurt, and mad about this. I was so sure everything would be perfect, and now randomly I get thoughts of my dead baby still inside me, and how I've been so excited and reading the books and watching it grow and it's been gone and I haven't known. I had no clue. I'm so scared for the next time we try. I'm scared it will happen again, I'm scared that I can get pregnant easy but I won't ever be able to keep a full term baby, that we'll have to do infertility treatments or end up adopting because I can't carry a baby. I wanted this so bad, why did this have to happen? I guess that's the question I'm wrestling with right now, WHY??!! It's so strange that life goes on when I'm having this trauma right now. How am I supposed to still be normal, go to work, eat, shower, be a normal human being? All I want is a baby, why is that so hard? Especially when my brother and his wife Katie are having a baby at the same time. She's only a day ahead of me (was anyway) and I am happy for them, but it makes the whole thing that much harder. Knowing they are experiencing the things I should be right now. I feel so lost, so empty, depressed. Does it get better? How do I not freak out when we start trying again? How long should we wait until we try again anyway? Will it really stick next time? Will there even be a next time? Too many questions, not nearly enough answers.

Scared

So I went in for another Dr appointment today, and I figured they would do the heartbeat and maybe run a few tests. I thought they were going to do a fetal heart tones but ended up with an ultrasound. I had a different nurse as well (one I liked though, which was good). She ended up not being able to find the heartbeat, and was getting confused if she could even find my uterus or not, she couldn't tell if it was my uterus or my bladder. I had just read that it can be kind of hard to tell sometimes in early pregnancy between the two, and that a full bladder helps them see to the uterus. The nurse spent like 15 minutes with a puzzled look on her face, and then said she couldn't really see, and she would go get the Dr to try and see if he could get a better picture.
Short wait later, and he came in. Round two of ultrasound. At this point I'm a little nervous about everything. He asked me what pregnancy this was for me, which is 2. He asked if I already had a child, and I said I had a miscarriage. He asked what week I was supposed to be, which is 11, and told him that I got a positive pregnancy with ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks on February 22nd. He then asked if I had a D/C with my miscarriage, and I explained that the ultrasound tech said that everything happened naturally and I didn't need one. He said something about a two (He's middle eastern, and kind of hard to understand fully, I think I need to find a new OB), and then said he was concerned, and that I needed to schedule another ultrasound with the actual good tech named Sally tomorrow morning. He said I may have to go on hormones, and something about infertility doctors, but we'll wait until tomorrow and see what the ultrasound tech Sally says tomorrow.
So the appointment is for 8:45 am tomorrow, and I'm scared to death. 
We made the appointment, and 30 seconds after walking out of the clinic, I burst into tears. Ken and I sat down near the elevators and he held me while I cried. I told him how I didn't understand, we had the positive both with a pregnancy test at home and with the ultrasound, I've had no bleeding, what was going on? He told me to try not to stress, that it may be nothing to worry about. I cried basically the whole way home, and Ken sat with me again on the couch while I continued to cry. Nothing makes any sense, and I don't want to go through the emotional turmoil of losing this baby. It was hard enough last time with the miscarriage, I don't know if I can handle something else being wrong for the second time. I shared with Ken about my fears, that my emotional strength wasn't enough if something was wrong, that all I want is to be a mommy, and I'm scared to death that I won't be able to experience pregnancy and having kids. That something is wrong with me and my fertility.
I just don't understand?! How can things be great at 6 1/2 weeks, and magically go so wrong at 11, with no bleeding, no pain, nothing to explain it? It's been such a draining day, and I'm trying not to be pessimistic, but it's difficult when there is a possibility you may not be pregnant like you thought. Lord, please give me the strength to make it through this.

Hurt

Last night Ken and I were going to bed, and were talking before we fall asleep (as we normally do). We were talking of the overtime he has to work today, and I know he's stressed about money. I don't quite remember how how the conversation went from overtime to the baby, but he asked how much time I was thinking of taking off for work for the baby. I said "well I have to wait 6 weeks until the baby can come with me to daycare, and I'm kind of hoping for the last month to be at home to rest and not stress myself out". He says "Well I guess I'm going to be be working a lot of 12s then". The conversation goes back and forth, about me saving up leave, so hopefully some of that time will be paid, and I mentioned that I know he's kind of anxious for the baby to be born so he can join the military (he's waiting to enlist until the baby is born and at least 6 weeks old). He said something about yeah maybe a little, but he's ready for the next stage of life. I asked him what he meant, and he said something like "I'm ready to take care of the baby, I'm kind of over the whole pregnancy thing already".

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And I don't know exactly why, but that really hurt my feelings. Really bad. I kind of laughed it off and said "well we've got 6 more months to go, you can't be tired of it yet!" and then we went to sleep, but every time I think of it today I get even more sad. How can he be "over the pregnancy thing" already? I understand he doesn't find it as fascinating as I do, and that his reasons for wanting it to be over is kind of clouded with wanting to join the military, but really? There are so many more exciting things that have yet to come! Hearing the heartbeat, finding out if we're having a Logan or an Abigail, the first ultrasound where we actually can see the baby, watching my tummy grow... and you're tired of it? I'm not even showing yet! Even as I type this, I'm tearing up. It hurt. It hurts. Whether it's true or not, how can you say something like that? I don't understand. This is the ONE part of having the baby he'll probably even be around for, he's going to miss so much, pretty much the first year of his/her life when he's gone to basic and the training afterward. Yeah there's ways of communicating over the internet, but it's not the same at all as being here and seeing the smiles, sleeping, the rolling over, the sitting up, the walking, the talking........ how can you be tired of the one part you'll be here to witness!!? I still don't think he really understands how I feel about all the crap about the military. We decided on a baby way before YOU decided on the military.

I feel so unsupported right now, from the one person who should be the biggest support in my life. I know family and friends and coworkers care and are excited, but it's not the same at all as having my husband there through everything. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this myself.

Just Weird

So the last week or so, even with the stress of a dear friend getting married, I've been having weird emotions. The nausea and general feeling bad have subsided pretty much (I'm guessing because I'm getting closer to the 12 week mark, when everyone says you always feel better) which is always nice. It's been nice not to have to fear food or worry that my nausea medication is close. But my weird emotions come in the form of because I'm not sick as a dog anymore, I don't really feel pregnant. It's almost hard to imagine that there is a baby the size of my thumb in my tummy somewhere. Maybe it's because I'm a little heavier set and therefore will not show for a while still? That's my guess; I don't feel pregnant because I feel too good and all my tummy is fat, not baby. It's a weird feeling. Some people have been giving me the stern voice for doing too much and lifting too much around work, but because I don't "feel pregnant" at the moment, I'm kind of struggling with the "oh don't do that!" thing. I'm used to doing it, I need to do it, let me! I'll be careful! I wouldn't do anything my body protested against.
I guess this week is just a struggle, physically and emotionally. I'm really hoping the next weeks go a little easier on my emotions, and I start feeling better.

10 Weeks 2 Days

This Sunday marks my pregnancy as being 10 weeks and 2 days along. I love being able to look forward to Saturdays, so I can say I'm one more week, and read in my pregnancy books about the upcoming week, and how big the baby is, how he/she is developing. I guess right now it's about the size of a kumquat/the size of my thumb, and from one pregnancy book, it looks a lot less like a lizard (as Ken and Jared say) and more like a human lol. I find all of the development of babies absolutely fascinating. It blows my mind that something as simple as a sperm and an egg can turn into a bunch of cells, that eventually will grow into a fully functioning baby, my baby.
This week has been more of a crazy one though; between work and a close friend getting married yesterday, this week has been absolutely exhausting. Ken and I have had barely any time together, but thankfully the nausea has pretty much subsided. Sleeping has been interesting lately, I'm pretty sure I've noticed subtle changes in my belly (like if you weren't me, you couldn't tell, at least I think so anyway!) but it's becoming just slightly uncomfortable to lay completely on my stomach like I like to sleep. I think I need to invest in a body pillow in the next couple months, to make things easier.
The crazy has subsided slightly, but now I have a new crazy going through my head. I got sick (food poisoning and bronchitis) right after I found out I was pregnant, around week 7 and 8, which made eating anything completely healthy kind of difficult. There were a few days I couldn't even keep my prenatal down. So my current crazy/worries are that the baby will be born with something terribly or significantly wrong, that something I did or didn't do, whether it's eating habits or stress when I was sick, will harm the baby. It's so hard not to worry, and I'm such a worrywart anyway. I know I shouldn't stress, that worrying and stress is bad for the baby, that I'm a strong person and I can take whatever comes my way, but it's so hard not to.
On some good news, Ken and I are thinking of taking a "babymoon". Lol laugh if you want, but all the pregnancy sites say a babymoon is the last baby free vacation, and a way to connect to the pregnancy. It wouldn't be anything long, were just thinking of a night in Seattle at a hotel and eating a fancy dinner at the Spaceneedle. The biggest problem is money, especially since hotels in Seattle are so expensive. It's more of an idea right now than actual plans, but I'd like to.
Ken and I did some shopping today; pants and two shirts for him, and I needed a new bra, my work ones are getting a bit snug. And can I just say I have no idea what I'm going to do when I'm 9 months pregnant in the chest department? I always knew I had a pretty large chest but I got measured today, and it was not what I was expecting! At all!! Oiy, that may explain the back pain I've been having lately! I was left a little speechless today, but the sales assistant was really nice, very informative, and gave me a card for a woman in Tacoma who does special maternity and post delivery bras, and even does custom fitting which I thought was amazing. Depending on cost, I'd really like to make an appointment in the next few months. Time to beef up the baby fund!

Ridiculous

I'm sure it's just hormones that are making me crazy, but I've become slightly paranoid about what I'm eating now. Thoughts like "Is that safe? Is it really? Is it pasteurized? How well does this have to be cooked? Can I eat this? What if I do eat something I shouldn't?"
It's become a little exhausting, but it's not like I can turn off the switch. Last night I tried to make a simple dinner for Ken and I, and he got frustrated because every three minutes I came into the office asking him to look up something for me, to see if what I was making was safe. It was just steak with a pasta salad, but first I freaked out about what temp the steak had to be (I ended up not being able to eat my steak... I read steak should be at 170 degrees, and that's like cooked to death, it was so dry and chewy I couldn't eat it! I like my steak a little more raw than that) and then I had a freak out if commercially made mayo was safe. Can I eat mayo, it's made from eggs, but I don't know how they make it, so it could be bad for the baby! I'm trying to stay level headed about all of it, but this is my first pregnancy, and between that and the hormones I think I'm going slightly crazy.
I got to hang out with Jared yesterday (buying a wedding present together for Jennica and Andrew's nuptials this Saturday), and I was telling him about how crazy I've been and nauseous, and all the random pregnancy things that have been happening to my body lately, and he mentioned that he hopes the hormones don't make me go absolutely crazy (like being pissed one second then sobbing the next) any time during pregnancy, or else we may have to stop being friends until it passes lol. It made me laugh, but I really hope I'm not making anyone else crazy with my mild case of crazy right now!

Holy Nausea Batman!

Oh my goodness, today was a rough one. I'm finding out that my body/baby doesn't like certain foods, and gives me nausea as a result. I have been nauseous all day today, after I drank some juice and tried to enjoy from potato chips. I've found out I can't eat chicken teriyaki either unfortunately. I tried to split a plate with ken last week, and after three bites I told Ken to enjoy his lunch, since I couldn't eat it. Not even the plain white rice. It's kind of irritating. I had to go into the baby room at work today to get some crackers and put my head down for a bit, I felt like my stomach was going to come out my throat. Thankfully I finished my shift, but barely. Fruits have been generally OK... green grapes really tasted good today after being so sick all day. It's hard not being able to enjoy my usual foods. I know nausea is usually a sign of what's good for your body and baby and what could be harmful, but come on!
I've been feeling more tired than usual too, like I could sleep all day if I could. My back has been hurting at work and after simple tasks at home, like putting away laundry. I'm sure this is due in part of my bad posture, but the pain seems to kick in a lot sooner than it used to. I don't know what I'm going to do when my belly gets bigger. I hit 9 weeks tomorrow though, which is exciting!

Boy or Girl?

I know it's still early, but I'm almost becoming anxious about what gender the baby will be. Ken and I want a boy so bad, and to be honest, will be slightly disappointed if it's a girl. I keep getting mixed reviews as to what think people think we're having, and a friend of mine was able to predict her child's genders with her dreams (and the very fact that she was pregnant lol). Well in the last 2 weeks I have had baby dreams, the first one was a boy but last night I had a very vivid dream where the baby was a girl. I don't know why I'm so anxious about it, I know I shouldn't be. So will be Logan Alexander or Abigail Grace? I'm only in week 8, so I guess 12 more weeks to go until we know! I guess they don't normally test until week 20, so we still have a way to go. In the next month or so, depending on how everything goes, I want to get the dresser/changing table put together, but I'm waiting for all other decorations for the nursery until I know the gender so I can kind of pick a theme, and what I put on the walls kind of depends on that, and what the bedding looks like.
I got pretty sick this last week, starting on Sunday the 27th. I think I ate some bad food, and ended up with some kind of bug and throwing up and having nausea for the next 4 days. And I felt so guilty, because I know I have to eat, and eat well to support the baby, but I swear everything besides dry toast made me throw up! And we all know toast is not the most nutritious thing in the world. I tried to supplement it with the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast) but bananas weren't the best, applesauce made me throw up... ugh. And of course I can't take my prenatal, as soon I did on Monday I threw it right back up. Which is more guilt and worry of course.
So then on top of all this, I get bronchitis, and after a visit to my OB, I found out I lost 5 pounds in the week I was feeling sick. Not ok! I didn't think it was that much! Normally when I get bronchitis, I get antibiotics, maybe a steroid, rest, and feel better within 2-3 days. Oh no. Because I'm still so early, I was freaking out about taking anything, triple checking to make sure something like Robitussin is ok, and basically felt like crap for a week straight. My mom came over this past Sunday (the 6th) for a dress fitting for Jennica's wedding, and she assured me that it was fine, and that the feeling sick and lousy would pass. So after her blessing, I take Robitussin, and literally a day later, I'm able to be up, walk around, even do my normal errands (although a bit slower than normal due to coughing, but coughing is good!). Wouldn't that have been nice 3 days ago? Oh well. At least I can go back to work finally. I am having trouble with tons of heartburn though, and being very gassy, through burping. I really am sick of burping every 5 minutes!
One good thing has happened this week though. Because I haven't been able to eat, and I am trying to eat more healthy, I can't handle that much sugar any more. Ken brought me home a Reeses PB Cup (something normally I'd be over the moon about, I love candy), and I had just one cup out of the two cups in the pack, and it was too much sugar, I felt almost sick afterward. I don't really crave anything sweet, and haven't lately, so that's a definite plus! Trying to eat healthy, and that's a major point in my book. I think my last pop was even more than 2 weeks ago, I've been sticking to water and juice and Gatorade. Not much improvement in the vegetable area, but oh well, can't win them all!

Fertile Mertile

Well it's happened again. I'm pregnant! Yay! I wanted to test on the 14th, but actually forgot in the swing of it being Valentines Day, so I tested on the 15th and it came up positive! Ken and I were a little apprehensive to be overjoyed; while we wanted to be, we didn't want to be depressed is I miscarried again. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for the next week, and we decided not to tell anyone (besides a few people) until after the first trimester. I only told my mom, Jared, Amy, and a close coworker, Leslie. Ken obviously told his parents, who swore their secrecy as well. I was so apprehensive that week, it was almost like I was waiting to miscarry. I over analyzed every movement I made, every bump I took, every thing I lifted, and every morning prepared myself in case I was bleeding like last time. Needless to say it was a long week. I finally met with my doctor on the 22nd, and I spoke with a nurse and had another ultrasound to determine where I was in pregnancy, since I hadn't had any bleeding since the miscarriage. Ken and I were delighted to find out that everything was healthy, normal, and that I was farther than I expected, at 6 weeks 3 days. After talking with the nurse, we determined that it only took 8 days for me to ovulate and conceive again. Ha! My due date is the 15th of October. We got our first pictures of the baby too, which was pretty special. Ken says I have a tadpole lol.
Everything has been going well, I actually have pregnancy symptoms this time! I've been very tired, with breast tenderness, slight case of nausea, and while no food aversions, I can't stop eating! I swear I have to eat like every 2 hours or else I feel sick. This past week has been a little more difficult, the nausea hit me pretty hard for about 4 days (I'm finally feeling sort of human again) where I couldn't keep anything but toast and water down. It made me worry, because I know I have to eat because of the baby, but I can't because I'm so sick. I couldn't even take my prenatal pill, as soon as I did on Monday I threw it right back up. I'm trying to stick to the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast) and applesauce didn't seem to agree with me last night, and I haven't tried the rice or banana yet. It seems I'm limited to chicken noodle soup (only one particular brand unfortunately) Ritz crackers, toast, water, Gatorade and apple juice. It's hard because I am so hungry, but even more than a few bites of anything makes me run to the bathroom. Ken has been amazing though, very helpful with getting me water, cold washcloths for my face, and taking care of the house since I can't do anything but lay on the couch. I don't know what I'd do without him!
I have my next ultrasound on the 6th, when I'm 12 weeks, only 5 more weeks to go! I'll update as I feel up to it.