Waiting

Nothing new has really changed, it's just the same waiting game, checking and inputting, and waiting. And waiting. And more waiting. A dear friend of mine told me recently, if I ever need it, an overy, eggs, whatever, she will give it to me, if I experience that sort of problem. Very sweet, and I sincerely hope I never have to ask her.
It seems like the longer I wait, the more my mind thinks of infertility, that having my own kids isn't in the cards and I can't help but imagine just a little what life would be like if I wasn't able to have that one special dream. I'm sure it's not healthy, but once the wheel starts turning, it's so hard to stop it. I'm not ready to give up, not by a long shot, but sometimes worry starts to set in.

A new emotion I've been having lately, has been intense jealousy. Well it starts as anger and then I realize I'm angry because I'm jealous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have these emotions in the first place, for a stupid reason, and something so personal as pregnancy loss. I know I need to let my emotions and feelings flow and out as they come, but I hate feeling angry and jealous, it's not my natural state, especially when it's in reference to people close to me.
I just want to be better. I just want a baby. It sucks to have to track, monitor, worry, record, have a fertility tracker in my phone, predict, be disappointed, be jealous, be angry, be sad. Sometimes I wish life came with a magic wand.