Day 5

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

I get subtle and glaringly obvious reminders of my losses it seems every day. Every time I get a new baby in my room at work, or I go into the infant room for a break, and I get reminded of what I don't have right now. Or the fact that my sister in law s having a baby any day now, or that a dear friend is also having a baby in Jan. That can be hard sometimes. There are more subtle reminders, like people asking if I have kids yet, when am I going to have kids, or seeing kids clothes in the stores when I go grocery shopping. Some songs on my iPod that have nothing to do with loss remind me of my loss. There's lot of little things that remind me that are also totally escaping me right now.
I guess it's about half and half for what I mind and what I don't mind when it comes to reminders. Sometimes it's welcome, sometimes it's all I can do to hold back my tears. It really depends on the day and what has been going on with my personal grief lately for which way a reminder will make me feel. 
...............
There was a contest for the best of western Washington and there was a vote for best charity. I voted for The Tears Foundation for best charity, as it helps local families give headstones and Moses baskets to their lost infants, and help with funeral arrangements. I gave my reason why I voted as "As a parent of loss, the Tears Foundation helped me in my loss and made the pain a little less. It's great to help other families too". And since, I've been kind of struggling with the term "Parent". Yes in the back of my mind, I believe I'm a parent, sort of, but it doesn't seem like a reality to me. Like I believe it but I don't at the same time. Very weird feeling.

Grief Process Day 4

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I guess the only thing is possibility. There is the possibility that I will have a baby, that my fertility is still in control and the possibility of all the things that could happen.  It's hard to express really.

Grief Process

It's been about 3 days since I said I would start this, so I'm going to answer 3 days questions today.

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a 24 year old woman living in WA with my husband Ken (married almost 4 years) and brother in law Andy and 3 fur babies. I love reading, watching movies, the color red, taking pictures, and reality TV. I work full time as a toddler teacher in a daycare, and have my BA in Elementary Education.

Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
I have 2 angel babies, one I lost at 5 weeks in Dec 2010, and one at 10 weeks in March 2011. We never named either of the babies, beyond Baby Dudley. Ken and I are still trying for our first live birth child.

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My mom definitely. My husband has helped definitely in being there for me, but he doesn't understand my personal grief completely, which I understand, he's a man, having a baby is a different experience for him.
My mom though has helped me through every step of trying to conceive, sharing my happy news, and holding me up when I've crumpled from my loss, not once but twice. She's helped me raise money to help other families affected by infant and pregnancy loss, she's heard my fears and anxiety about being pregnant and subsequently becoming pregnant again, she's wiped away my many tears,she held my hand through my D&C, every aspect of my pregnancies and losses, she has been there. I would be in a whole different part of my grief if I didn't have my mom in this process. I thank her every day for everything she does, and I think she understands, but my gratitude extends beyond what I can say in words. I love you mom, and thank you so very much for everything.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

I think  this is something that will help me, especially in the coming weeks as my due date comes up. I may not write each day about the specific question, but I do want to complete the 31 questions.

31 Days Blogging Challenge for Mothers of Loss

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about

Again?

I have a small suspicion that I had another miscarriage. I woke up on Wednesday morning, getting ready for work, and I've noticed over the past 3 months of TTC, my periods have been pretty heavy, heavier than they ever were before I was pregnant or anything. So I'm going through the motions, and pottying, and there were clots. They had a weird look to them, more solid than normal period clots would be, or that I've seen periods before. It strangely resembled the after effects of my first miscarriage, but I never had any cramping, and definitely not the "wringing me in half" type cramps from my first miscarriage.

I guess I'll never know. My August period started on the 27th, and so did my Sept, so I was technically a day before being late. I never took a test though, I was waiting to be a few days late before I used my last test.
I never knew I would struggle this much with trying to have a baby. Who knew that TTC was so stressful, so worrysome? Ken and I had a fight last night, that started mild and progressed into deeper issues. Ken has this weird idea that I don't love him any more, that I'm only putting up with him so that I can have a baby. TTC and this baby loss has definitely put a strain (although mild) on our marriage, and I hate that. I know we're fine, and marriage is always a work in progress, but both being depressed and the emotional strain of this is difficult. Why do we have to struggle? Why is the one thing we both want so badly the thing we are having the most trouble with? I guess I just want a little understanding, some questions answered once and for all.

Pissed Off

I am so beyond angry right now. It has been a horrible day, between stupid things at work and I was right, no baby. My period came today. I'm such an odd mix of angry and hurt and disappointed right now. I was trying to keep the attitude that Ken has "Expect the worst, hope for the best" but I honestly can't keep that little glimmer of hope in the back of my head, especially when I was so close to being late. I kept trying to convince myself both ways so I wouldn't get really upset, but that obviously didn't work.  I know the window of getting pregnant every month is so short, but no matter what day, what part of the week, tracking ovulation, leaving it up to God, not caring, caring too much, for the 3rd month of actively trying and all I keep getting is hurt more and more. I know it can take up to 6 months, up to year honestly, but I don't want to wait that long. I don't want it to take a year, 6 months, 3 more months. This does not get easier.
And my due date is coming up. Thank goodness it falls on a Saturday, at least I won't be at work thinking about it all day.

I just want to be over all this. Over the stress, over the grief, over the worry, over the constant reminders, over the pain, over the financial burden from the D&C, over the little bit of hope left in my heart, over it all! I want to move on! I wish I could erase this chapter of my life, ask for a do over. Ugh. I want my husband.

Sad

I'm almost 99% sure there is no baby, no pregnancy this month. Does this disappointment ever get easier?

Conflicted

I feel so guilty and such a bad friend right now. I got a message from a dear friend of mine last night over facebook, asking what she should do, she thinks she had a miscarriage at about 2 weeks or so. She had goggled images and symptoms, and was really upset because she was happy about being pregnant and had been excited. She asked me for my advice since she didn't really know anyone else who would understand and her husband is away for Air Force training.
I feel conflicted because while I gave her the best advice I could under the circumstances (it's kind of hard to tell her anything since both of mine were farther along), I found myself upset and angry that she even asked. I know that not many women my age have had miscarriages, and I'm glad she asked, but the whole situation left me bitter. My heart hurts for her pain, and she has been nothing but supportive in my losses, but I couldn't help but find myself angry; she has two kids why does she want to get pregnant again already? If you think 2 weeks is hard and painful, try 5 and 10 weeks; how insensitive can she be?
Which of course, my anger and hurt turned into guilt, I shouldn't be angry, I shouldn't be jealous, I'm glad she came to me during such a hard time....

UGH. I so dearly love my husband. He makes everything better. We cuddled afterward and fell asleep, and he just made me feel better in general. Stil feeling bad today but trying to keep her perspective and be a better friend.

Continued

Nausea has continued, but has become more mild. I hope that's not a bad sign. Sunday I was cooking and had a big wave of nausea after inhaling the smell, but was fine after a moment. Today I tried to eat a food I've eaten plenty of times before and couldn't eat it, it was suddenly way too salty. My coworker gave me the wiggly eyebrows again when I said that, but I'm honestly trying not to hope. I want to test but I know I shouldn't. I guess I'll update about my tummy as times goes on.

Possible

Well I have been feeling slightly nauseated at random times for the last 2 weeks. Last Wednesday, the 31st, I felt qeuasy most of the night and then threw up that night after going to bed. Stayed home Thursday, and was still super sick. Friday went to work and felt half and half, sick and ok. Now the nausea will come and go at random times. Several times over the last week I'll move at work and get a wave of "oh my goodness". Then I'm fine. Yesterday I ate a popsicle and right afterward had a wave of nausea again, and 5 minutes later I was fine. It's been kind of strange, and the coworker I work with the most gave me the raised eyebrows several times yesterday, as in "Roxanne, are you...maybe... huh huh??" which made me laugh. She knows Ken and I are trying, and I told her I'm trying not to hope.
Just the sequence is weird right? I can understand feeling sick on Wednesday and part of Thursday was maybe food poisoning. But the rest of this week, at random times? Maybe I'm not eating enough? But if that's true, why would I get sick for a few minutes after eating something and then be fine? It's been 2 weeks since my period, so I won't have anything to miss for a while longer. I'm curious but I'm not going to waste my last pregnancy test just yet. I think I'll wait another 2 weeks if my period doesn't come by the 7th or so, then I'll test. Hm...