Confliction

I've been feeling conflicting emotions lately. That I'm ready to try again, trying to conceive, and then just as suddenly I don't think I am. I'm fearful of trying again, in case a missed miscarriage happens again. But I want a baby so bad, waiting even the 2-3 months like I've been saying seems way too long, let alone 6 months like my doctor wants. I've been reading up on the stages of grief, and I don't really know where I fit anymore. This is from a cancer survivors website "cancersurvivors.org"


Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.
The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
  
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
  
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
  
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
  
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
   

A lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)
  
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss) 
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)

I think I fit more into the Temes version of grief, into the reorganization part. But then I also think I may still be numb to a lot  of things too. I know I've definitely felt the disorganization, as can be seen from a number of my blogs, but as to where I am now, it's weird, I don't know. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure it out and continue trying to live.

Ken and I did have a great day yesterday, despite me having a headache most of the day. It was our 6 year dating anniversary, the 6 year mark of when we met in person for the first time. I had to call into work my head felt so bad, and I kept having to take Tylenol all day just to feel somewhat normal. We went to the mall to get my phone fixed, look at games for him, and buy me new earrings. Then we went to this new restaurant called The Lobster Shop, which is down on the water of Tacoma. Very pretty place and prices were good, and the food amazing. After dinner we took a short walk in a park next to the restaurant,  then to Blockbuster to get movies and a game. We spent the night watching movies, eating popcorn, reading and playing his game all night until almost 3 am. It was so nice to have a special evening together, despite a headache. I think we both needed a night like that. It was nice to be normal for a even a short while, and just have fun.