So tomorrow is finally the day of the D&C. I'm a little nervous, and I probably won't sleep tonight. I'm sure the nerves will really kick in as we're walking into the hospital. Ken decided not to go, as it was a very womanly, personal procedure, but my mom is coming and driving, so I still have support. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mommy! Ken has the day off, so he said he's going to play servant, and make sure the couch is ready for when I get home, and will have movies and snacks handy for me. Everyone has said it will go fine, and it's the recuperation that stinks, I just hope the doctors knock me out completely, I don't want to be awake but aware you know? I just want to get this over with and move on, emotionally and physically. I have been so drained with the weight of this, it's been difficult. And on top of all that, a nurse called on Tuesday to get me registered for the surgery, and she said that our copay for the procedure is going to be $1,000. Out of pocket.
UM WHAT? She even wanted me to do a phone payment, and I told her there was no way, I'll have to pay the day off. I'm really hoping they can give us a payment plan (and St Joseph's is pretty good about it, but you never know) because otherwise I'll have to take money from the baby fund, nearly half, and that is the last thing I want to do. Ken doesn't know yet. I took the advice from Mama Leslie and will tell him when the payment plan is set up. I hate to keep it from him, but he stresses way too much and really bad about money, and it's hard to live with a stressed out person!
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Ken and I did go to doctor today to get all the information for the surgery and go over paperwork, and I got the nice doctor (Dr Jung) yay! Dr Jung said that I may have to go on hormones when I get pregnant again, that as soon as I know I'm pregnant, we need to start. He doesn't think my body is making enough of the pregnancy hormone called progesterone or something, and that's why we can conceive but I haven't been able to carry for long. He said that the body makes about 50 mg or something, and our intestines absorb a lot of it if it's in pill form, but if he gives me 200 mg twice a day, I'll be getting the dose I'll need to sustain the pregnancy. He said there was a 1 in 36 (or like 3%) chance of this miscarriage happening, and it shouldn't have. If it happened a third time, that's less an 1%. He doesn't want to wait for miscarriage #3 to happen to start hormone therapy, so I'm glad he suggested it. I am going to a new OB though, after this D&C gets taken care of, so it's definitely something I'm mentioning. My sister mentioned how much she loved her OB in Enumclaw, Dr Graman, and anyone is better than Dr Bahgdadi, so I want to meet with him and see if I like him. I'd much rather have a personal reference than trying to find someone on the internet like I was trying to do. One more thing to add to the list, ugh.
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There is so much possible change happening lately (long story short, I'm worried about my job, if I'll even have one by 2-3 months) and it's been hard to have that on my mind with this going on as well. It kind of makes me think that while I want this really bad, maybe having a baby is not in the cards right now. But it's like that IFV treatment radio ad... "Part of you is worried about paying your bills, your mortgage, your job. But all of you wants a baby". And that is my feeling EXACTLY. It's funny how much you are willing to sacrifice and give up for that one dream, to have that one hole in your heart filled by a tiny human being.
I've been thinking back over the 8 weeks that I was pregnant before the missed miscarriage, and I think of how I acted... happy, elated, joyful, ecstatic, everything. And I miss being that happy, having so much to hope for, dream about, plan for. I know I haven't been happy, barely at all since this whole thing started, and I want that back. They always say that having a baby changes your life forever, and even though it was only 8 weeks before tragedy, it's encouraging to me to know that life was prefect, even for a short while, because I knew I was going to be a mom. I was pregnant. Ken was going to be a dad. Nothing else seemed to matter, even when something went wrong at work or at home, it was all ok in the end. My baby was on the way. A part of me doesn't want to wait 2-3 months to try again, I want that happiness again. I want the little thrill of knowing that I'm pregnant, of telling Ken and my mom (most definitely going to wait 12 weeks + for anyone else... maybe Jared and Amy but that's it! I mean it this time!!), I want to read my books again and see how the baby is growing, how his or her body is developing. I want it again. I want to be happy again, somehow, someway.
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Anyway, I'll post again in the next few days to report how I'm feeling and how I think it went.
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