I was pregnant with my first child on December 21st, 2010. This baby was lost due to miscarriage at 5 weeks developmentally on December 31st, 2010.
I found out I was pregnant again on February 15th, 2011, and unfortunately was lost at 10 weeks developmentally, a missed miscarriage.
I am pregnant for the third time, with a positive test on December 12th, 2012.
Our wonderful son was born in 2013. I'm going to continue writing about trying to conceive baby Dudley #2
Well the Dudley household will be growing by one come late July/early August. But not in the form of a baby... my little brother in law Andy is coming to stay with Ken and I for a while for a change of pace. Obviously so, I can't give him the office, so he'll be sharing the nursery with the crib and baby clothes in the closet. I've been cleaning it out and organizing the room and closet for his arrival, and knew I had to organize the closet especially so he has room for his things. I decided to take off all the hangers from my purchased baby clothes and put them in the top portion of the small dresser we have in the closet. I forgot how many clothes I've actually bought, and without the dresser/changing table being put together yet, that had to take up a large chunk of the closet as well. As I was taking all the hanging clothes off the hangers to store them, I was faced with an odd feeling. Remorse almost? Extreme sadness? I remember buying every one of those outfits, and how I felt at the time to be buying them. And not being able to use them yet made me a little depressed. I have at least 30 new outfits in neutral and boy colors, and 3 big boxes of stuff for girls that I received second hand from Amy. I'm happy Andy is coming to join our little family, but looking at all the clothes made me sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is it's frustrating to have random grief feelings pop out of no where. I should be able to go into my nursery and put away baby clothes without getting depressed. I did hang up the butterfly we got from the TEARS Rock and Walk on one of the walls, I like it a lot.
The butterfly in honor of our angle babies that is now in the nursery.
Ken and I at the 2011 TEARS Foundation Rock and Walk.
Well, it's official, Ken and I are trying to conceive again. 3rd times a charm right? I ended up getting my progesterone prescription early just in case, and also because as of this Friday, we will not have insurance for a month. I'm not sure if I'll keep posting as often if I do get a positive test, I kind of want to keep it quiet. But on the other hand, keeping this blog has really helped with my emotions and thoughts during this trying time, and I don't know if stopping would be beneficial, especially if I'm not going to tell anyone. I don't know, I guess I'll have to play it by ear, see how I feel as I go. Now it's just a wait and see game, I know it can take like 4 weeks for me to get a positive test. According to Ken's phone app, My Days, my period should come at the end of this month, so I guess we'll see if it's late. I'm still really nervous about trying, but I don't know if I'll ever be ready if I wait. I have to take a leap of faith, trust God, trust my doctor, and trust myself that everything will be ok.
First things first, thank you to everyone who reads this blog! Over 1,000 page views! I'm truly flattered and humbled that this many people would be interested in my story.
Things in this household are looking up. Ken just got a new job, and will be starting on Sunday the 26th. It's a better paying job, a little farther from home but still an easy commute, and has room for advancement which suits Ken just fine. The only unfortunate thing is that this means we will be without insurance for about a month until everything gets started up at his new job. I had to call in my prescription for progesterone because I'm almost positive that we'll be trying again this month, and I wanted to make sure we didn't have to pay out of pocket since I have to take it as soon as I get a positive test. Ken and I have talked it over and ultimately, our grand master plan, is for ken to work his way up the ladder at his new job, and for me to eventually become a stay at home mom. He's cashing out his 401K to pay off all of our debt (besides the house and loans obviously) and we're sticking the rest in savings, to create a nest egg for whatever comes our way.
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I've had a new idea over the past few weeks, and I've kind of introduced the idea to Ken, but it's not something we've talked about a whole lot yet. I want to have some sort of inspirational name, maybe as a middle, since we've had such a tough game of trying to have a baby. I'm thinking Joy, but there are so many factors. Has to be a girl (I don't know of any names like Hope or Joy for a boy lol) and it has to be the right first name. Our current girl name is Abigail, and I like the ring of Abigail Joy, but nothing is set in stone yet, just something I've been rolling around in my head. I want to research a little more too before we change the official name.
So I feel like a decision has to be made soon. I've just received my second monthly visitor and I feel like Ken and I need to make a decision as to whether to try again or wait a little longer. But I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I'm pretty sure I'm ready to start trying again. I know Ken is. But unfortunately with our financial situation, it doesn't make sense for us to try for a baby until I have steady employment. And the doctor my mom and sister want me to see, Dr Graman in Enumclaw, is on vacation until the beginning of July. I wanted to talk to him to see what he recommends and see if I like him more and it's more convenient than Dr Jung. If I do that, that means we're waiting another month. Or do we try this month and call in the progesterone from Dr Jung then go see Dr Graman... can I switch my Dr while I'm still pregnant? Should I take the hormones if Dr Graman thinks I should't but Dr Jung thinks I should? How can I ask Dr Jung to send over all my paperwork so Dr Graman knows whats been going on since October?
I have another job interview tomorrow, and it feels like a lot is riding on this. If I get it, I think I'll be more likely to try this month. If not, I'm pretty sure we're going to wait. UGH. And knowing all this in the back of my head is not how I want to be in an interview. Well I guess I'll post back tomorrow and maybe then I'll have more answers.
Have I mentioned lately that I'm stressed? Well if I haven't, then here I am saying it. I'M STRESSED!!
We recently got all of the final bills for my surgery, and I've been on the phone all day trying to get financial assistance and payment plans made up because our grand total out of pocket expenses (after insurance) are $2,430 and some odd change. Just seeing that number makes me cry a little. Ken tells me every day not to stress out over it, that we will get through this, but things seem a little bleak right now. And all this happens when I think I'm finally ready to start trying again. How is it being a responsible adult to try for a baby on an income where we can't even pay our bills and that's not counting the surgery ones? Lord, please help me on this one, I'm running out of steam and I don't know how much farther I can go. Life seems to be in shambles right now, and I don't know how to climb out of the pit that is my depression and stress. I don't know how to deal with all this and still try to be a good friend, to enjoy things in life, to be normal. I know there are those is much worse situations, but it's so hard when there isn't even hope around the corner. It's been such a 180 coming from where we were financially to now, and I hate it. Ken is currently working a 12 hour shift, because we need the money that bad. I HATE that he has to do this to keep us afloat. I hate that he says we can't dwell on the past and he'll do whatever it takes. I hate that I have no choice but to say "if you think you can, do it, please. We need this". Ken is a great man though, and I know he will bend over backwards or until he breaks to keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
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Onto other things I can't dwell on that for too long or else I'll break down. My acne has come back full force since my first pregnancy, and it's so annoying! I guess my extra hormones while pregnant made my acne go away and now it's back with a vengeance. Really not liking that.
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Ken found a cool app for his phone that tracks my period and predicts ovulation and fertility, which I started using yesterday and it's actually really cool. I think it will help with my memory and I've been using it to record everything, that way if a doctor has any questions about my history I can quickly refer to it for exact dates. I wish my phone was able to have it instead, but oh well.
I may have mentioned it before on here, but I am walking with the TEARS Foundation on June 11th in remembrance of my 2 angle babies. The TEARS Foundation is a nonprofit that helps families in WA pay for funeral expenses and headstones after the death of a child. It's a great cause, and one that's obviously very close to my heart. To my readers, if you could donate, even just 50 cents to my fund raising for this amazing cause would be much appreciated. Here are the links to learn about the TEARS Foundation, and a link to my fund raising page so I can help raise money for this amazing charity. http://www.thetearsfoundation.org/ http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/roxannedudley/rememberingbabydudley
It's interesting how your whole perspective shifts during grief. Ken put an old tv in the bedroom, so we can watch movies at night before bed. Friday night I ended up watching "Sleepless in Seattle", a classic feel good movie for me growing up.
Until it came to the part where Sam (Tom Hanks) is on the phone with Dr Marsha Fieldstone, and she asks how he's coping a year and a half after his wife died, and what he's going to do.
From the movie: "Well I'm going to get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long. And after a while I wont have to remind my self to get out of bed and breathe in and out... and after a while I wont have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a little while."
This really struck me. I've seen the movie a million times, and as sad as that part is, I never truly understood it until a couple of days ago. All I could think was "Hm... wow, I actually really understand that". It didn't really make me sad, it just struck me hard in the pit of my stomach, how deeply I understand how he must have been feeling. How sometimes I do have to remind myself to breathe in and out.
So my second movie perspective came from "Steel Magnolias", another movie I've watched countless times growing up and love. I couldn't help but cry at the part where Shelby (Julia Roberts) explains why she almost didn't want to marry her fiance, she thought he was throwing his chance of having children out the window because she couldn't carry a child due to a chronic illness.
From the movie: "Jackson said, Shelby don't be stupid. There's lots of children out there that need good homes. We'll adopt ten of them. We'll buy them if we have to"
I couldn't help it, the tears welled up and spilled over, and Ken just gave me a hug. It hit a little too close to home, and it was a part I completely forgot about. I understand EXACTLY how Shelby felt at that moment, I've had fears that Ken won't want to be with me either if he can't be a father.
It's interesting how your whole perspective on life just shifts slightly due to grief, and how well I can relate to those characters in movies I love who are experiencing similar emotions and hardships through their grief. Grief is such a weird emotional roller coaster. There is no predictability whatsoever, and things that were fine 6 months ago now seem like a mountain that is impossible to climb. When will the load that is my grief get lighter, easier to carry?
I almost broke down in the middle of grocery shopping in Walmart yesterday. It was a very difficult weekend, between Ken and I having a major fight (which for us isn't even yelling, it's laying in bed crying together) dealing with things in our marriage, and the reality and finality of having only 2 more days of work I guess finally hit me. All of this: the miscarriages, my marriage going through a rough patch, and my job being over have really taken a toll on me. Between the stress I'm always carrying in the back of my mind, and the stress of my finances, it was almost like I couldn't go on, like I needed to just fall to my knees in the middle of the store. I feel so broken, like I'm trying to climb a vertical mountain 10 miles high. It doesn't get easier every day, it seems to get more difficult.
I was driving to work today and right before getting on the highway, I received a couple of texts in response to ones I had sent the previous day. After reading and responding again, I was thinking about my miscarriages and my disappointment and anger and everything I've been feeling up until now. And I have another emotion to add to the list, it came up suddenly as I was thinking. Guilt. Not guilt in a way that I feel guilt that my miscarriages happened because I did or did not do something (which is there too, but not nearly as much anymore)... but guilt in the way that I'm disappointing people. I know so many of my family, friends, co-workers, want me to have a baby, are excited for me to, say all the time what I wonderful mom I will be, and I feel like I'm disappointing them by having these struggles with carrying. I never imagined having a baby would be something I'd struggle with, I always thought it would be perfect. I know it's impossible to have anything be perfect, or be a perfect person, but I honestly never thought I'd have a problem. And now that I do I almost feel bad for everyone, knowing they feel bad for me and wish me the best, and I can't give them what they expect of me. It's such a weird feeling, but it's one I can't shake.
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I want this to be over. I want to "get over it". I want to stop the random crying, the always thinking about it, the getting angry at people for things that are not their fault regarding children or pregnancy, the no one understanding. I want the fear to go, I want the intimacy back in my relationship with Ken (not just sex), I want to let go of all my bad feelings and hardened feelings, the shield I've built up around myself to be taken down, I want to be genuinely happy again. I want the guard on my heart to soften, the mask of happiness on my face to melt, and be true, not a facade. I want to wake up and have all this be a dream.
I am so grateful for my husband though. Ken is my rock, the force that keeps me grounded, my best friend, the only one I want to see or hear at the end of a long day. I miss him during the 8 hours we're apart for work, and seeings his pictures when he's not here makes me smile and my heart sing. I don't know what I'd do without him in this time of stress, fear, and unhappiness.
I know this makes me a bad person, and probably a bad friend too, but I honestly can't help it. On my lunch break at work I was checking facebook as usual, and I got a big shock. A dear friend of mine from high school is pregnant. My honest first reaction was anger. And I hate that. I wish her all the best and I hope her baby is well, full term, healthy, all that she hopes and dreams. But it's not fair. Not fair at all. My first reaction may have been anger (not at her, but at the situation) but then my heart broke. It's so hard when people who I don't honestly think were trying or whatever, getting pregnant and having babies, and here I am, Ken and I have been struggling for over 6 months. I was upset when I went back to work, but driving home with nothing but my thoughts and my iPod, I started to cry. I can't help but be so depressed about all this, it's so hard to deal with. It's constantly in the back of my mind, like a nonstop itch that I can't get rid of. And I don't know how to heal, to get over it, to be ok again. No one I'm close with understands, and ken obviously has no clue what I'm feeling. It's like the world keeps turning and I;m the only one stuck in one spot, wondering how to go again.
